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FACETI^ 

OR JOCOSE TALES 

or 

POGGIO 

JVow first translaieJ into English 
With the Ldiin Text 




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THE FACETI^ 



OF 



POGGIO 



VOL. II 



4 THE FACETIiE 

CXXIII 

AN INDISCREET QUESTION BY A PRIEST 

Outside of the gate of Perugia stands the 
church of Saint-Mark, where Cicero, the 
Vicar, on the occasion of a solemn festival 
which had attracted all the parishioners, was 
preaching the customary sermon. « Dear 
» Brethren, » said he by way of conclusion, 
I wish you would put an end to a great 
» perplexity of mine. During Lent, I have 
» heard the confessions of your wives who, 
» one and all, averred that they had kept 
» inviolate the faith they owe their husbands ; 
9 you, on the contrary, have almost all 
» acknowledged having had intercourse with 
» other men's wives. In order that I should 

CXXIII 

INTERROGATIO OBSCENA CUJUSDAM SACERDOTIS 

Extra portam Perusinam est ecclesia Sancti 
Marci. In ea Cicero Sacerdos, die solemn! in quo 
plebs omnis convenerat, cum sermonem de more 
haberet, postremo inter caetera : « Fratres, » 
inquit, c magno quidem errore liberari a vobis 
» cupio. Hac Quadragesima, cum audirem con- 
» fessiones uxorum vestrarum, nullam reperi 
» quae non profiteretur se fidem viro inviolatam 
> servasse : vos autem ferme omnes fassi estis 
» aliorum uxores cognovisse. Ne ergo hac in du- 



OF POGGIO 5 

» no longer be disquieted by that state of 
» doubt, I want to know of you who and 
» where are the women you thus sinned 
» with. » 

CXXIV 

AN AMUSING JEER UPON A PERUGIAN AMBASSADOR 

During the war which the Florentines were 
waging against Pope Gregory, the Perugians, 
who had seceded from the Pontifical party, 
sent Ambassadors to Florence to ask for 
assistance. One of them, a Doctor, began a 
long speech, and, by way of exordium, said : 
a Give us of your oil. » Another, a jolly 
fellow who hated circumlocutions, interrupted 



I bitatione diutius verser, scire a vobis cupio, 
) quae aut ubinam sint istae mulieres fututae. i 

CXXIV 

RIDENDA CUJUSDAM HOMINIS ADVERSUS ORATOREM 

PERUSINORUM 

Quo tempore Florentini cum Pontifice Grego- 
rio bellum gerebant, Oratores Perusinorum, qui 
a Pontifice desciverant, Florentiam pro subsidio 
venerunt. Horum unus Doctor, cum longam 
orationem exorsus, primis verbis, tanquam 
proaemii loco : t Date nobis de oleo vestro, i 
dixisset, alter, festivus homo, cui ambages ver- 
borum odio erant : — c Quid hoc est oleum ? i 

11 1. 



b THE FACETIiE 

him : — « What about that oil? » he exclaimed 5 
« you ask for oil when it is soldiers we want- 
» Do you forget we came here to ask for* 
» arms, and not for oil ? — But those are th^ 
» very words of Scripture, » replied the 
Doctor. — « Most judicious indeed, » was the 
retort ; « we are the foes of the Church, and 
» you invoke the assistance of Holy Writ. » 
The man's drollery set everyone laughing; 
the Doctor's useless flow of words was cut 
short, and business at once proceeded with. 

CXXV 

PERUGIAN AMBASSADORS TO POPE URBAN 

The inhabitants of Perugia had also sent 

inquit. « Oleum tu postulas, cum milite egea- 
» mus ? An oblitus es nos arma, non oleum pos- 
» tulaturos venisse ? » Cum ille verba haec Sacrae 
Scripturae esse responderet : — « Belja res est, » 
inquit alter; « nos quidem hostes sumus Eccle- 
• siae, et tu Sacram Scripturam in nostrum auxi- 
» lium profers r • Riserunt omnes hominis festi- 
vitatem, qui Doctoris superfluam verborum 
superstitionem, cum ad calcem veniendum esset, 
ejusmodi dictis lusit. 

CXXV 

DE ORATORIBUS PERUSINIS AD PONTIFICEM URBANUM 

Ad Urbanum quoque quintum Pontificem 



OF POGGIO 7 

three Ambassadors to Pope Urban V in 
Avignon. When they came, the Pope was 
seriously ill; but, wishing not to keep them 
longer in suspense, he ordered them to be 
introduced, with the previous request that 
they should speak but few words. One of 
them, a Doctor, who had learnt by heart, on 
the way, a long speech which he intended 
to deliver to the Pontiff, took no heed of his 
sickly state nor of his keeping his bed, but 
was so verbose that the Holy Father gave 
frequent signs of fatigue whilst hearing him 
out. When the indiscreet speaker had got 
through his oration, the Pope, with his 
accustomed urbanity, enquired of the other 
Ambassadors if they had anything to add to 
what had been said. One of them, whom had 
escaped neither his colleague's silliness nor 

Avinionem Perusini Oratores numero tres cum 
accessissent, Pontifex autem gravi morbo tene- 
retur : tamen homines ne diutius suspenses te- 
neret, ad se vocari jussit, admonitos antea, ut 
paucis loquerentur. Unus Doctor, qui orationem 
longam in via, quam habiturus esset ad Pontifi- 
cem, menti commendarat, nulla ratione habita 
morbi, aut quod in lecto jaceret, multis verbis 
usus est, ita ut Pontifex saepe molestiam audiendi 
prae se ferret. Cum tandem indoctus ille pero- 
rasset, quaesivit pro sua humanitate Pontifex, 
numquid aliud vellent. Tum alter ex Oratoribus, 
qui et dicentis stultitiam et Pontificis molestiam 
percepisset : — « Pater, » inquit, t Sanctissime, ha- 



8 THE FACETIiE 

the Pontiffs weariness, at once replied : ^ 
a Most Holy Father, we have express ord^^^ 
» that if you do not immediately comj^-* 
» with our demands, we are not to leave yo"«- 
» presence until our friend here has deliver^^^ 
» his speech to you a second time. » The So"^"^ 
reign Pontiff smiled at the joke, and orden 
their business to be expedited without dela.; 

CXXVI 

FOOLISH WORDS OF FLORENTINE AMBASSADORS 

Ambassadors sent by Florence to the French 
Court, when passing through Milan, went to 
pay a deferential visit to Barnabo, the Prince 
of that city. As soon as they came before him, 
the Prince asked them who they were : — 

• bemus hoc in mandatis nostris, ut nisi nobis e 
» vestigio, pro his quae petimus, feceritis satis, 

• socius hie meus, antequam hinc recedamus, 
» Vobis iterum referat sermonem suum. » Quo 
facete dicto cum arrisisset Pontifex, Oratores e 
vestigio expediri jussit. 

CXXVI 

INSULSUM DICTUM ORATORUM FLORENTINORUM 

Nostri Florentini Oratores in Galliam missi, 
cum Mediolamim pervenissent, Bernabovem Prin- 
cipem honoris gratia visitarunt. Rogati ab eo 
primo congressu, quinam essent ; « — Florenti- 



OF POGGIO 9 

« Citizens and Ambassadors of Florence, may 
» it please your Highness, o they replied, as 
is usual out of civility. After a very gracious 
reception, they took leave. They had already 
reached Vercelli when, reviewing what they 
had done as yet, they recollected their words 
to Barnabo. One of them contended that they 
should not have said : May it please your 
Highness, for, whether it pleased him or no, 
they were yet citizens and Ambassadors of 
Florence ; they all agreed that they had done 
wrong in using terms from which their 
dignity might suffer. So, with one consent, 
they returned to Milan in order to withdraw 
the obnoxious formula, and went to the 
Prince. The eldest, who, it would seem, was 
likewise the most learned, then spoke as 
follows : « Prince, on arriving in Vercelli, we 
» remembered having said to you : We are 

» norum et cives et Legati, si vobis placet, » qui 
mos est loquendi, respondenint. Comiter ab eo 
accepti dimissique, cum jam Vercellas devenis- 
sent, recensentes quae hactenus egissent, venit in 
mentem verborum, qui bus ad Bernabovem usi 
erant : et cum unus male ab eis dictum diceret, 
si vobis placet, nam etiamsi displiceret, tamen Flo- 
rentini, et cives, et Ora tores essent, omnes sen- 
tentiam ejus approbarunt, id perperam prolatum, 
neque ex sua dignitate asseverantes. Communi 
igitur consilio ad retractanda ea verba Mediola- 
num reverai, Principem adierunt. Turn senior 
qui et doctior videbatur : c Princeps, • inquit, 



10 THE FACETIiE 

» citizens and Ambassadors of Florence, ma^ ^ 
» it please your Highness; a most silly 1 
» expression. For, whether it please oi:^ 
» displease you, Florentines we are, citizens J 
» and Ambassadors. » The Prince, usually ^ 
stern man, laughed at their being so foolishb 
concerned. — « I am quite satisfied wit 
» you, » he rejoined; « you are indeed wha^ 
» I took you for. » 

CXXVII 

HUMOROUS SAYING OF GIOVAN-PETRO OF SIENNA 

Giovan-Petro, a citizen of Sienna, ever 
ready for a joke and a laugh, was, one fine 
summer morning, in Rome, invited by 
Bartolommeo de' Bardi to have a glass. We 

c cum Vercellis essemus, venit in mentem 
» dixisse nos tibi, nos Florentinos Ora tores et 
» cives esse, si tibi placeret : insulse ac inscite 
» dictum. Nam, placeat, an displiceat, sumus Flo- 
» rentini, et cives, et Oratores. » Risit Princeps, 
ad caetera severus, hominum stultam curam, 
sibi placere asserens, quod hi essent quos ere- 
debat. 

CXXVII 

FACETE DICTUM CUJU8DAM JOANNIS PETRI SENENSIS 

Joannes Petrus, civis Senensis, ad facetias et 
jocos promptus, semel Romae invitatus ad potum 



OF POGGIO - II 

"were a good many of us there, met together 

lor the same purpose, and also to tease our 

liost. According to custom, before the wine, 

lie tendered each of us a mouthful of bread, 

which we all took and began chewing, Giovan- 

Petro alone keeping his in his hand. Being 

asked the reason for which he did not eat : 

— a Bartolommeo, » said he, « your bread is 

» the most humble and modest I ever saw in 

» my life; I have repeatedly tried to carry it 

» to my mouth, but in vain : I could never 

» prevail upon it to take precedence of the 

» wine. » We all laughed at the man's witty 

remark, who thought that it was not obligatory 

to eat before drinking, when one is very 

thirsty. 



(mane enim et aestas erat) a Bartholomaeo de 
Bardis ; cum plures una convenissemus, tum po- 
tandi, tum vexandi hominis causa, atque esset 
unicuique, ut moris est, ante potum particula 
panis oblata, sumptum panem cum alii comede- 
rent, solus partem suam servabat in manu. Ro- 
gatus cur et ipse non ederet, ridens : — t Bartholo- 
» maee, » inquit, c hie tuus panis, ultra omnes 
» quos viderim, reverens est ac modestus : nam, 
» cum saepius hunc ad os admoverim, nullo ta- 
» men pacto potis sum ut velit vinum praeire. » 
Risimus omnes facete dictum ejus, qui existima- 
bat cibum non semper in magna prsesertim siti 
praeire oportere. 



12 THE FACETIiE 



CXXVIII 

A MAN^ WHO HAD MADE HIS WIPE A PRESENT OP A 

COSTLY DRESS 

A man who had given his wife a valuable 
dress, complained that he never exercised his 
marital rights without its costing him more 
than a golden ducat each time. — « It is your 
» fault, » answered the wife ; « why do you 
» not, by frequent repetition, bring down 
» the cost to one farthing ? o 



CXXVIII 

DE TIRO QUI UXORI VCSTEM MAGKI PRETII FECERAT 

Querebatur vir quidam, cum uxori vestem 
magni pretii fecisset, nunquam se matrimonio 
usum, quin amplius aureo nummo computari 
posset. Cui uxor : — € Hoc quidem, • inquit, 
c tua accidit culpa; cur enim non toties concu- 
» bitu uteris^ ut nummulo aereo constet ? • 



OF POGGIO l3 

CXXIX 

A PLEASANT STORY OF A SURGEON 

The Cardinal of Bordeaux told me that a 
fellow-townsman of his, coming home one 
night, began to complain loudly of an exqui- 
site pain in one of his legs. His wife rubbed 
down the limb with rose-oil, covered it with 
tow and wool, and wrapped it up with a linen 
band. The man kept on groaning and moan- 
ing, and requested that a Surgeon should 
be called in. One came, who laid the leg 
bare with the utmost caution and gentleness, 
as the patient professed to be in great suffer- 
ing ; but, after feeling it all over carefully, 
he declared there was nothing wrong with 
it. — « Why then, it must be this one that 

CXXIX 

RECITATIO JOCOSA DE MEDICO 

Retulit mihi Cardinalis Burdegalensis quern- 
dam contribulem suum, cum sero domum redis- 
set^ clamare coepisse se cms vehementer dolere. 
Uxor, cum oleo rosaceo cms perunxisset, stuppa 
et lana additis, fascia insuper linea circumvolvit. 
Homo cum dolore premi se diceret, ac gemens 
Medicum postularet, advenit ille, et paulatim le- 
niterque (magnum enim dolorem prae se ferebat) 
detecto cmre, cum palpitans nihil in illo morbi 
esse diceret, tunl rusticus : — c Ergo hoc » (aliud 

II 2 



14 THE FACETI^ 

» hurts me, » said the blockhead, stretching " 
out his other leg. Amusing stupidity of a man, 
who waited for the Surgeon's advice to know 
where he was in pain. 

cxxx 

A MAN WHO FOUND GOLD DURING HIS SLEEP 

A friend of ours related, at a party, that, 
one night, he had found gold in a dream. 
— « Mind, » said someone, « mind the same 
thing does not befall you, that befell one of 
my neighbours, whose gold was turned into 
muck. » Being asked to relate that dream, 
« My neighbour, » he said, « one night 
dreamt that the Devil had led him into a 



crus porrigens) t quod doleo est, • inquit. Stul- 
titia hominis perjocunda, qui, quod doleret, a 
Medico admoneri voluit ! 

CXXX 

DE HOMINC QUI IN SOHNIS AURUM REPERIEBAT 

Amicus quidam noster aurum a se repertum 
noctu per somnium referebat in ccetu. Turn qui- 
dam : c Vide ne tibi accidat, » ait, c quod meo 
vicino, cui aurum in stercus cecidit. » Cum som- 
nium narrari posceremus : t Vicinus, • inquit, 
c noster somniavit, ductum se a Daemone in 
agrum ad aurum efiPodiendum, et cum multum 
reperisset : c Non licet, » inquit Daemon, € nunc 



or POGGio i5 

field to dig out gold. When he had found a 
good lot : « You are not allowed to carry it 
» away now, » quoth the Demon ; « but 
» mark the place, that you may be alone to 
» know it again. » The man enquired what 
sign he could well use : — « Cack here, » 
replied the Devil ; « it is the best way that 
» nobody should suspect there is gold ; none 
» but you will have cognizance of the matter. » 
The man thought that a good plan, and, 
awaking forthwith, became aware that he had 
abominably loosened his bowels in the bed. 
Rising amid the muck and stench to leave 
the house, he set on the crown of his head a 
cap wherein the cat had just done its needs. 
Enraged at the horrible smell, he had to go 
and wash the filth off his head and hair. Thus 
the golden dream had turned to turd. 



» auferrC; sed signa locum, ut cognosci a te solo 
I queat. » Cum alter, quo signaculo uteretur, 
peteret : — t Caca hie, » Daemon inquit, t nam 
1 hoc maximo modo nuUus hie esse aurum su- 
I spicabitur, et tibi soli res nota erit. • Annuit 
vir; et statim expergefactus, sensit se in lecto 
ventrem admodum laxasse. Inter foetorem et 
stercus cum surrexisset, domum exiturus, capiti 
caputium ultimo imposuit, in quo cattus ea nocte 
stercus fecerat. Iniquo foetore permotus, inquina- 
tum caput et caesariem layit. Ita aureum som- 
nium in merdam rediit. • 



l6 THB FACETIiE 

CXXXI 

A SECRETARY TO EMPEROR FREDERIC II 

Peter delle Viti, a learned and clever man, 
was Secretary to Emperor Frederic, who, 
whilst waging war against Pope Alexander III, 
andlaying waste the dominions of the Church, 
listened to the slanderous attacks of the Ger- 
mans, envious of Peter, an Italian, and had 
his eyes put out. Later, he repented his injus- 
tice, and admitted the victim thereof into his 
most secret counsels. The Emperor being 
driven to narrow straits from lack of money, 
Peter advised him to fight the Church with 
its own resources, to seize and melt down, 
for the maintenance of his soldiery, all the 
gold and silver articles that adorned the 

CXXXI 

DB QUODAM SECRETARIO FRIDERICI IMPERATORIS 

Petrus de Vineis, vir doctus et prudens, Fride- 
rici Imperatoris Secretarius fuit, qui, cum esset 
hostis Alexandri tertii Pontificis, ac bellum terris 
Ecclesiae inferret, Petrum (is Italicus erat), ex in- 
vidia adversus eum a Barbaris orta, lumine pri- 
vavit. Deinde poenitentia ductus (inique enim 
egerat), s^dscivit eum in secretius consilium suum. 
Cum Imperator angustia rei pecuniariae preme- 
retur, consuluit Petrus vires Ecclesiae suismet 
opibus conterendas, capienda et conflanda esse ad 



or poGGio 17 

churches, and, amongst others (they were then 
in Pisa) the renowned golden chain which 
encircled the cathedral. This advice found 
favour with Frederic, who provided for his 
army with the spoils of the churches. « Sire, » 
then said Peter, « I have now avenged my- 
» self of the wrong you inflicted upon me : 
» you had secured the hatred of men ; by the 
» sacrilege you have perpetrated I have called 
» down upon your head the enmity" of God. 
» Whatever you may undertake henceforward 
» will come to naught. » Frederic was, 
however, again victorious, but Alexander 
broke down his pride in the end. Those words 
are a warning that holy things should not be 
converted to profane uses, and that God chas- 
tises those who break that law. 



usum belli (is turn Pisis erat) ecclesiarum omnia 
ornamenta^ aurea atque argentea, inter quae zona 
ilia quae cingebat templum memorabilis erat. 
Placuit consilium Friderico, etspoliis ecclesiarum 
exercitum paravit. Turn Petrus : t Imperator, » 
inquit; c injuriam abs te injuste mihi illatam ul- 
» tus sum. Tu tibi hominum odia comparasti : 
» ego tibi Deum ex sacrilegio reddidi inimicum. 
3 Omnia tibi deinceps in deterius cadent. • Ita 
postea fuit victor. Tandem Alexander superbiam 
fregit Imperatoris. Hoc dicto monuit res sacras 
ad profanum usum transferri non oportere ; qui 
secus facerent, a Deo puniri. 



II 3. 



l8 THE FACETIJE 

CXXXII 

A FLORENTINE WHO UNCONSCIOUSLY ATE A DEAD JEW 

Two Jews b^ng on their way from Venice, 
their place of residence, to Bologna, it came 
to pass that one of them fell sick, and died. 
The survivor, anxious to bring the corpse 
back to Venice, which it was not lawful to do 
openly, cut it up into little pieces, put it, 
with aromatics and honey, into a small bar- 
rel, whence issued, in consequence, a most 
delightful flavour, and committed it to the 
care of another Jew, who was going to Ve- 
nice. This man, intending to reach Ferrara 
by canal, took his charge with him on the 
boat, and as there was a crowd of passengers, 

CXXXII 

DE JUDfO MORTUO ASSUMPTO IGNORANTER IN CIBUM 

PER FLORENTINUM 

Cum duo Judaei ex Venetiis, ubi habitabant, se 
Bononiam contulissent, accidit ut alter morbo 
correptus interiret. Cupiens superstes defuncti 
cadaver Venetias deferri, cum palam id fieri pro- 
hibitum esset, minutatim concisum in parvo do- 
lio posuit, admixtis diversis aromatibus et melle, 
ita ut mirum in modum suavis ex dolio prodiret 
odor. Hoc Venetias ituro Judaeo alteri commen- 
davit. Qui, cum navicula secum per canale Ferra- 
riam dolium deferret, accidit (plures enim unam 



or POGGio iq 

a Florentine happened to take his seat close 
to the barrel. Night came ; attracted by the 
fragrancy, and suspecting that some dainty 
was stowed away there, the glutton stealthily 
broached the cask, and began to taste the 
contents. He found them luscious, and revert- 
ed to them so frequently before morn, that 
he well nigh emptied the vessel, convinced 
that he had been eating some delicacy. When 
about to leave the boat at Ferrara, the Jew 
took up his barrel, and, from its light weight, 
perceived it was empty. He screamed that 
he had been plundered of the corpse of his 
brother in Israel, and the Florentine thus 
became aware of being a Jew's tomb. 



naviculam conscenderant) ut Florentinus quidam 
prope dolium consideret^ et cum nox supervenis- 
sety motus odore dolii, ac suspicatus aliquid ad 
usum edendi reconditum esse, clanculum ore 
dolii retecto, coepit quod intus erat degustare. Et, 
cum sibi cibus sapidissimus videretur, totumfere 
dolium edendo ea nocte paulatim consumpsit, 
existimans rem optimam comedisse. Egressurus 
Ferrariae navem Judaeus, cum dolium auferret, 
sensit ex ejus levitate vacuum esse. Turn Judsei 
cadavere cum se fraudatum vociferaretur, tandem 
cognovit Florentinus se Judaei sepulchrum esse. 



20 THE FACETIiE 

CXXXIII 

A VISION OF FRANCESCO FILELFO 

Francesco Filelfo, jealous of his wife, was in 
the greatest anxiety lest she should have to 
do with some other man, and was, day and 
night, intent upon keeping good watch over 
her. One night, in a dream (for we are 
often visited in our slumbers by what has 
preyed upon the mind when waking) he 
saw a certain Demon, who promised him full 
security respecting his wife, if he but followed 
his prescription. Fast asleep, he accepted, 
saying it would afford him the greatest plea- 
sure, and that he would be happy to requite 
such a good turn : — « Well then, » quoth 
the Demon, « take this ring, and keep it ca- 

CXXXIII 

VISIO FRANCISCl PHILELPHI 

Franciscus Phiielphus, zelotypus uxoris, summa 
cura torquebatur, ne cum altero rem haberet, 
semper dies ac noctes ad ejus custodiam intentus. 
Huic dormienti, per somnium (fit enim, ut quae 
vigilantes versamus animo, in somniis saepius 
occurrant), visus est Daemon quidam uxoris se- 
curitatem poUiceri, si, quae admoneret, vellet fa- 
cere. Et cum per somnium annuisset, idque sibi 
pergratum fore diceret, simul praemium poUici- 
tus : — € Cape hunc, • ille inquit, t annulum et 



OF POGGIO 21 

» refully on your finger; for, so long as the 
» finger shall be in the ring, your wife may 
» never sleep with another man without you 
» know of it. » Filelfo, whom joy at once 
wakened, sensit se digitum habere in uxor is 
cunno. That ring is indeed a first rate pre- 
servative for jealous husbands, and secures 
them against their wives being unchaste 
without their knowledge. 

CXXXIV 

A TOPER 

A distinguished wine-bibber caught a fever 
which made him much more thirsty still 
than usual. The medical men, who had been 
called in, were discussing the means of remov- 

» diligenter in digito serva. Nam dum in eo ge- 
> staveris hunc, nunquam uxor, te inscio, cum 
J alio concumbet. j Prae gaudio excitatus a 
somno, sensit se digitum habere in uxoris cunno. 
Optimum quidem ejus annuli zelotypis reme- 
dium, ne uxores, ignorantibus viris, possint esse 
incontinentes. 

CXXXIV 

DE POTATORE 

Quidam vini potator egregius incidit in febrem, 
ex qua multo majorem solito sitim contraxit. Ac- 
cersiti Medici cum de removenda febri et siti 



22 THE FACETIiE 

ing together both fever and thirst : — « Busy 
» yourselves only with the fever, » said the 
sick man ; « FU take good care of the thirst. » 

cxxxv 

A JOKE OF EVERARDO, APOSTOLIC SECRETARY, 
WHO LET A FART AJ A CARDINAL 

Cardinal de' G)nti, a stout and burly man, 
had been out hunting, and, towards noon, 
feeling hungry, came down to dinner; he 
took his seat at table, perspiring^ copiously 
(it was summer time) and requested that 
someone should air him with a fan. The ser- 
vants had left the room on various duties, 
and he asked a certain Everardo Lupi, Apo- 

quoque majuscula agitarent : — t Febris tantum, » 
inquit aegrotus, c removendae officium et onus 
» sumatis volo, sitim autem mihi'curandam re- 
» linquite. > 

CXXXV 

FACETUM EBERHARDT, SCRIPTORIS APOSTOLICI, QUI AD 
CARDINALIS CONSPECTUH VENTKIS CREPITUM DEDIT 

Cardinalis de Comiiibus, vir crassus et corpu- 
lentus, cum aliquando venatum isset, esuriens 
circa meridiem ad prandium descendit ; sudans 
ad mensam (aestas enim erat) ac poscens ut ventus 
flabello sibi fieret, cumministri abessent diversis 
rebus occupati, jussit quemdam Eberhardum 



OF POGGIO 23 

stolic Secretary, to ventilate him.— « But, » 
said the latter, « I do not know how that is done 
» with you. — Never mind, » answered the 
Cardinal, a do it as you like, in your own 
» way. — All right, by Jove, » replied the 
Secretary, and raising his right leg, he emit- 
ted from the very depths of his bowels the 
most sonorous fart, saying at the same time 
that that was how he was accustomed to 
make a breeze for himself. There was a nu- 
merous company, who could not help burst- 
ing out into a fit of laughter. 

. CXXXVI 

AMUSING JOKE OF ANOTHER CARDINAL 

A like reply was made by the Cardinal of 

Lupi, Scriptorem Apostolicum, sibi ventum fa- 
cere. At ille, € Nescio id vestro more, j cum re- 
spondisset, — « Ut scis, » ait Cardinalis^ c et tuo 
» modo facito. » Tum ille, — t Libens me Her- 
» cule ! » et, suspenso dextro crure, pergrandem 
ventris crepitum edidit, eo pacto se ventulum fa- 
cere solitum dicens. Quo excitati omnes (multi 
enim jam aderant) ad risum sunt maximum 
compulsi. 

CXXXVI 

FACETIA ALTERIUS CARDINALIS JUCUNDIS8IMA 

Eodem instrumento Cardinalis Tricaricensis, 



24 THE FACETIiE 

Tricarico to the admonitions of Alto de' 
Conti. The Cardinal led a most dissolute life, 
and, one day, when hunting, Alto urgently 
lectured him that he should amend his ways. 
On hearing this remonstrance, the Cardinal 
looked him a minute full in the face, stooped 
on his horse's neck, and gave a tremendous 
fart, exclaiming : « To your beard. » He then 
moved off without another word, thus show- 
ing the value he set upon his advice. 

CXXXVII 

A WOMAN WHO, WISHING TO HIDE HER HEAD, 
EXHIBITED HER BOTTOM 

A woman who, in consequence of a dis- 



Alto de Comitibus se monenti respondit. Nam 
cum Cardinalis esset vitae dissolutions, Altus 
vero ilium in venatione admoneret multis verbis 
ad melioris vitas mores, auditis AIti verbis^ in 
eum paululum respexit ; et e vestigio se in equi 
caput reflectens, ventris crepitum edidit ingen- 
tem, inquiens : c Ad barbam tuam ! » Quo solo 
responso abiit, ostendens quanti foceret suas mo- 
nitiones. 

CXXXVII 

DE MULIERE QUiE, CUM CAPUT COOPERIRE VKLLET, 
CULUM DETEXIT 

Mulier, capite ob defectum cutis abraso, evocata 



OF POGGIO 25 

ease of the skin, had had her hair shaved 
off, being called by a neighbour on some press- 
ing business, went out precipitately, and 
forgot to cover up her head. On seeing her 
in that state, the neighbour rated her for 
showing herself in public with such a bald 
and uncomely pate. She then, in order to 
hide her head, pulled up her petticoats from 
behind, and wishing to conceal her baldness, 
disclosed her backside. People had a good 
laugh at the expense of the poor woman, 
who, in her anxiety to avoid a small breach 
of decorum, was guilty of such gross impro- 
priety. — The foregoing applies to those who 
endeavour to conceal a slight delinquency 
by committing a more grievous offence. 



foras avicina ob rem necessariam, immemor prse 
festinatione caput tegere, jdomo egressa est. Eam 
conspicata altera foemina increpat, quod nudo ca- 
pite atque invenusto in publicum prodisset. Turn 
ilia, ut caput tegeret, veste retrorsus a natibus 
sublata, cum caput cooperire vellet, culum de- 
texit. Ridere qui aderant coepere mulieris factum, 
quae, ut levis pudoris culpam vitaret, majorem 
contraxit. Hoc eos respicit qui parvum delictum 
graviori scelere occultare quaerunt. 



II 



26 THE FACETIA 



CXXXVIII 

FUNNY STORY OF A MAN WHO WROTE TO HIS WIFE 
AND TO A MERCHANT 

Francisco de Ortana, a Neapolitan Knight, 
whom King Ladislas had entrusted with the 
government of Perugia, one day received two 
letters, the one from his wife, the other from 
a Genoese merchant, to whom he owed mo- 
ney. His wife's called him home, reminded 
him of his plighted faith, of his conjugal du- 
ties, and requested his speedy return; the 
merchant's demanded payment of the out- 
standing debt. To the merchant he, of course, 
replied he would satisfy him shortly, and 
asked for a small delay ; his wife's anxiety he 

CXXXVIII 

FACETISSIMA CUJUSDAM QUI LITTERAS UXORI 
MERCATORIQUE MISERAT 

Francisco de Ortano, Equiti Neapolitano, quern 
Ladislaus Rex praefecerat civitati Perusinae, litte- 
rae et ab uxore, et ab Genuensi mercatore, cui 
mutuo creditas pecunias debebat, simul reddits 
fuerunt. Alterae ab uxore eum rogabant, ut do- 
mum rediret, conjugalis officii el fidei datas ac 
citi reditus admonentes : alterae ut creditam red- 
deret pecuniam poscebant. Mercatori, ut aequum 
erat, se quam primum ei satis esse facturum re- 
spondit, parvulam nescio quam dilationem pe- 



OF POGGIO 27 

endeavoured to soothe with a string Ox endear- 
ing words and promises, told her he was on 
the point of taking his departure, that he 
would do his best to compensate her for lost 
time, and, being as amorous as herself, made 
use of rather familiar terms, vouching, by 
way of conclusion, that he would caress, or, 
to use his own words, f... her in a hundred 
ways. When superscribing his letters, he di- 
rected to the merchant the one he intended for 
his wife, and to his wife the one that was 
meant for the merchant. When the lady re- 
ceived the epistle, she was greatly surprised 
at not finding one word in answer to what 
she had written. As for the Genoese, he read 
and read over again the missive which had 
come into his hands : finding therein nothing 
but nonsense and uxorious prattle, the chief 

tens : uzoris vero desiderium multis blanditiis et 
pollicitationibus l^niebat, se illuc e vestigio ac- 
cessurum scribens, et omnia facturum, per quae 
resarciret amissas conjugii voluptates, utens (pro 
ut ad uxorem par erat) verbis paulo lascivioribus, 
in quibus et illud erat adjectum, se eam multi- 
mode cogniturum, seu (ut verbis suis utar) fiitu- 
turum. In obsignandis epistolis, ad mercatorem 
uxoris, ad uxorem vero mercatoris litteras in- 
scripsit. Accepta uxor epistola, mirata est admo- 
dum nihil Sibi responderi ad ea quae scripserat. 
Genuensis vero, perlectis ad se litteris, cum res 
jocosas atque uxorias continerent, in quibus 
illud erat praecipuum, se reversurum, et cum 



28 THE FACETIA 

point of which was that his debtor was coming 
home, promising himself abundant sport, and 
the like, he thought he was made game of, 
waited upon the King, and showing him the 
letter, complained of being offered coition in 
payment of his debt, and exclaimed that he 
had been sufficiently f...ed the day he had 
lent his money. Every body laughed; but 
much more still later on, when the misdi- 
rection of the letters was ascertained. 



CXXXIX 

STORY OP A CERTAIN DANTE WHO FREQUENTLY 
SCOLDED HIS WIFE 

A fellow-townsman of mine, Dante by name, 
whose wife was reputed not over-chaste, had 

ea saepius coiturum, atque*alia paulo obscoeniora, 
existimans se verbis deludi, ad Regem profectus 
est, ostentans litteras, ac conquerens sibi pro 
nummis debitis coitum promitti, seseque satis 
fututum fuisse eo die clamitans, quo illi pecu- 
nias credidisset. Omnibus ad risum conversis, 
magis postmodum, epistolarum errore cognito, 
risere. 

CXXXIX 

FABULA DANTI8 QUI SJEPIUS UXOREM SUAM INCREPABAT 

Contribulis meus, Dantes nomine, cujus uxor 
ferebatur parum pudica, cum sttpissime admo- 



OF POGGIO 29 

often been advised by his friends to look to 
the honour of his household, and in conse- 
quence, reproached her bitterly. She asserted 
her virtue with a flood of tears and upon 
oath, declaring all such stories to be con- 
cocted by scandal-mongers who wanted to 
make them live unhappily together. Per- 
suaded by those specious words, when his 
friends persisted in charging his wife : — 
a Oh 1 enough , » said he ; « don't plague me 
» any more with that. If she misconducts 
» herself, can you know any thing about it 
» better than she does ? » They confessed they 
could not. — « Well, » he kept on, « she avers 
» that you are but liars; ahd I have more 
» faith in her alone than in all of you put 
» together. » 

• 

nitus esset a sociis, ut prohiberet turpitudinem 
domus, uxorem acrius increpabat. Ilia multis la- 
crymis juramentisque honestatem suam tueba- 
tur^ asserens ea a malevolis confingi, qui eorum 
quieti inviderent. Persuasus vir hujusmodi ver- 
bis, cum adhuc amici in increpanda uzore per- 
starent : c Ohe ! ne me his verbis obtundatis am- 
» plius. Dicite, » inquit, < ne ilia an vos sua 
» errata melius nostis ? ) Cum ilH uxorem affir- 
marent : — c Ilia vos omnes mentiri afiirmat, 

> cui soli magis quam vobis omnibus praesto 

> fidem. > 



II 3. 



3o THE FACETIiE 

CXL 

AN OLD man's will IN FAVOUR OF HIS WIFE 

Pietro Masini, of our city, was extremely 
sarcastic in his speech. In his latter days, he 
made a will by which he left his wife nothing 
but her dowry. In high dudgeon at being 
thus laid aside by her husband, she com-, 
plained loudly of his not bequeathing her 
any thing, and entreated him, with bitter 
tears, to make some provision for her old age : 
— « Send for a notary and witnesses, » said 
the dying man, « that I may leave something 
» to my wife. » They came at once, and, in 
her presence, turning to the witnesses : — 
« This here woman, » quoth Pietro, a pesters 

CXL 

TESTATIO CUJU8DAM SENIS FACTA UXOR! 

Petrus Masini, civis noster, admodum mordax 
in loquendo fuit. Is cum senex diem suum obi- 
. ret, condito testamento, nihil, praeter dotem, re- 
liquit uxori. Hoc ilia cum gravissime ferensapud 
virum se postpositam, neque sibi ab eo quicquam 
relictum quereretur, contenderetque multis cum 
lacrymis ut aliquod suae senectuti subsidium le- 
garetur : t Vocate Notarium ac testes, » vir mori- 
bundus inquit, c ut aliquid relinquatur uxori. » 
Quibus subito accersitis, adstante uxore, ad tes- 
tes conversus Petrus : t Haec me obtundit, » ait, 



OF POGGIO 3l 

» me with her entreaties that I should leave 
» her something. Out of compliance with her 
» solicitations, I take you all here to witness 
» that I leave her fcetidiorem et ampliorem 
» vulvam than that of any female in this 
town. » On hearing those words, the assis- 
tants departed laughing, and left to her sorrow 
the poor disconsolate woman, 

CXLI 

A NARRATIVE OF ZUCCARO's ABOUT A WOMAN 
WHO ASKED A PRIEST FOR A RECIPE 

Zuccaro, the most amiable of men, used to 
relate that a woman in his neighbourhood, of 
not inconsiderable personal attractions, but 
who was barren, frequently enquired of a 

» ut aliquid sibi relinquam. Ei ergo ut morem 
9 geram, vos testes advoco qui adestis, me sibi 
» relinquere fcetidiorem et ampliorem vulvam 
) aliqua alia hujusce civitatis muliere. i Hoc 
dicto, ridentes omnes abiere, elusa foemina ac 
moesta responsione viri. 

CXLI 

NARRATIO QUJEDAM ZUCHARI DE MULIERE PRESBYTERO 
MEDELAM QU^RENTE 

Zucharus^ vir omnium urbanissimus, narrare 
solebat mulierem quamdam haud spernendae 
formas^ vicinam suam, quae sterilis erat, quaesi- 



32 THE FACETIiE 

Priest, her Confessor, if he knew of some recipe 
to make her pregnant. The Confessor at last 
assented, and bade her come to his house one 
Thursday, that being the most favourable day 
in the week for the object in view. Punctual 
to the appointment, through her anxiety to 
be with child, the woman entered the Priest's 
room : — « I am about to use, » said he, «an 
» incantation which is productive of many 
» and various illusions, to such a degree that 
» things that are not, yet seem to be. Strength 
» and firmness of mind are therefore requi- 
» site to ensure success. You will fancy that 
» I touch you, that I kiss and embrace you, 
» that I even take some particular liberties 
» which are your husband's privilege : nothing 
» of the kind ; it will all appear to you so by 
» virtue of the words I must use, the efficacy 
D of which is such, that things of imagination 

visse saepius a Sacerdote Confessore suo, an sciret 
aliquam medelam ad liberos concipiendos. Ilium 
postremo annuisse, ac mandasse ut die Jovis 
ejusmodi rei apta ad se veniret. Cum accessisset 
filiorum cupida mulier ad cameram Sacerdotis : 
c Utar, » ille inquit, c incantatione, quae inducit 
» multas variasque illusiones, ita ut quae non 
) fiunt, fieri videantur. Itaque constantia et fir- 
» mitate animi opus est, ne res incassuiA evadat. 
» Videbitur tibi ut te tangam, osculer, amplexer, 
» et secretoria etiam faciam quae vir tuus con- 

> suevit : attamen nihil eorum erit; sed ita vide- 

> bitur ex vi verborum quibus utehdum est; 



OF POGGIO 3S 

» seem to be really in existence. » Confiding 
in the fellow's words, the woman consented, 
and promised to take little account of all 
those enchantments. The Priest, after going 
through a number of cabalistic signs, and 
whispering mysterious sentences into her 
ears, began to kiss her, and threw her down 
on the bed. Trembling with fear, she asked 
what he was about : — « Did I not warn 
» you, » he replied, o that you would take 
» illusions for reality? » He thus took advan- 
tage twice of the poor credulous creature, 
still asserting that nothing was going on ; and 
she went home with the persuasion that she 
had been deluded by false appearances. 

• 

» quae adeo est efficax^ ut quae non sunt, esse vi- 
» deantur. » Consensit mulier, confidens compa- 
tris verbis, et se has praestigias parvi fecturam 
dixit. Sacerdos, multis peractis signis, dictisque 
in aurem secretioribus verbis, coepit mulierem 
osculari, et in lectum sternere. Cum ilia treme- 
bunda, quidnam compater ageret, quereretur : — 
c Nonne praedixi antea, > inquit, c quae nulla 
» essent pro veris visum iri ? » Ita mulierem cre- 
dulam bis cognovit, semper affirmans id nihil 
esse. Hoc pacto mulier, se delusam falsa imagine 
existimans, rediit domum. 



34 THE FA.CETIJE 



CXLII 

A HERMIT WHO HAD INTERCOURSE WITH A GREAT 

NUMBER OF WOMEN 

In the time of the seventh Duke Francis, 
there was in Padua a Hermit named Ansimi- 
rio, who, being reputed a holy man , had 
succeeded, under pretence of confession, in 
securing the possession of a great number of 
women, some of whom even belonged to the 
aristocracy. His misdeeds got at last rumour- 
ed abroad, for hypocrisy cannot long escape 
detection ; apprehended by the Head Con- 
stable, he made numerous admissions, and 
was taken before Francis. The Duke sent 
for one of his Secretaries, and, desirous of 
having a bit of fun, asked of the Hermit some 

CXLII 

DE EREMITA QUI HULTA8 MULIERES IN CONCUBITU HABUIT 

Eremita quidam Paduae erat, Ansimirius no- 
mine, tempore Francisci, Duels Patavini septimi. 
Hie, cum vir sanetus haberetur, multas mulieres 
etiam nobiliores, per confessionis speciem, ad 
coneubitum pellexit. Vulgata tandem (neque enim 
diu hypoerisis celari potest) seelerum fama, ca- 
ptus a Praetore, cum multa eonfessus esset, ad 
Franeiseum deducitur. Is, aecito Secretario ex 
suis, quaedam joei causa sciscitabatur ab Eremita, 



OF POGGIO 35 

particulars, and the names of the women he 
had known intimately. A great many were 
given, among them those of ladies married 
to officers of the Prince's household, and 
they were written down in succession by the 
Secretary, as a source- of future amusement. 
The enumeration seemed at an end ; the Duke 
enquired if there were any more, and the 
Hermit persisted in the negative. The Secre- 
tary urged him sternly, and threatened him 
with rigorous punishment in case he did not 
disclose them all. — « Well then, » sighed 
the Hermit, « write down your own wife, 
» and add her name to the roll. » Those 
words gave the Secretary such a painful 
shock, that the pen fell from his hands ; the 
Duke burst into laughter, saying it was well 
done, and quite right that a man, who took 
such pleasure in other people's shame , 

et nomina mulierum quas cognovisset. Quas cum 
multas^ etiam ex domesticis familiaribus, uzores 
protulisset, scribebat nomina Secretarius, ut 
exinde causam risus eliceret. Cum tandem nomi- 
nandis finem fecisse videretur^ peteretque Dux an 
plures superessent^ ille vero constanter negaret, 
asperius hominem arguebat, et vim minabatur 
Secretarius^ nisi omnes retulisset. Tum ille su- 
spirans : — c Scribas et tuam quoque, > ait, c at- 
1 que eam addas numero aliarum. » Quo dicto, 
et calamus prae dolore e manibus Secretarii ex- 
cidit, et Dux in maximum risum est conversus, 
recte factum esse dicens, ut, qui tanta voluptate 



36 THE FACETIiE 

should be included in the same flock with 
them. 

CXLIII 

A YOUNG FLORENTINE WHO FORNICATED WITH HIS 

STEP-MOTHER 

A young Florentine was sporting amorously 
with his step-mother, when his father, 
coming upon them unawares, caught them 
in the very act. Stupefied at the strange indi- 
gnity, he began to clamour, and to assail 
with the most violent reproaches his son, 
who endeavoured to stammer out some ex- 
cuse. The dispute waxed hotter and louder, 
and attracted a neighbour who, ignorant of 
what had taken place, but anxious to pacify 



reliquorum maculas audiebat^ et ipse in eorum 
coetum adduceretur. 

CXLIII 

DE FLORENTINO QUODABC JUVENE QUI NOVERCAM 
SUAM SUBEGIT 

Florentiae, juvenisquidamcum novercam subi- 
geret, ac superveniens pater filium in stupro 
uxoris deprehendisset, rei novitateindignitateque 
permotus, clamando objurgare acriter filium coe- 
pit. Ille tergiversando peccatum excusabat. Cum 
diutius elatioribus verbis ambo concertarent, cla- 
more excitus supervenit vidnus quidam, ad jur- 



OF POGGIO 37 

the quarrel, enquired the cause of it. All 
kept silence , for fear of bringing down 
shame on the family ; but the would-be 
mediator pressed for an answer : « It is my 
» son's fault, » at last said the father. — « No, 
» indeed, » retorted the youth, « it is he who 
» began ; he has done it to my mother a thou- 
» sand times, and I never said a word ; and 
» now, for once that I touch his wife, rather 
» silly of me and indiscreet, I confess, he 
» fills the air with his screams, as if he were 
» a mad-man. » The neighbour laughed at 
the funny reply, and led away the father, 
whom he comforted as best he could. 



gia componenda, ignarus rei. Cum peteret conten- 
tionis causam, illis ob domesticam turpitudinem 
silentibus, instabat vicinus vehementius ut cau- 
sam nosceret. Tandem, cum pater in filium cau- 
sam rejiceret, tum filius prior : « Hie pater meus 
» admodum indiscretus, t inquit, c millies ma- 
» trem meam futuit, me etiam tacente : nunc 
9 quia semel uxorem suam cognovi, ut rudis 
9 atque inconsultus, ccelum clamoribus, veluti 
9 insanus , replet. t Risit ille facetum fiUi re- 
sponsum, et patrem, quoad potuit, solatus, dis- 
cessit. 



II 



38 THE FACETI^ 



CXLIV 

A DISCUSSION BETWEEN MINORITES ABOUT A PICTURE 

OF ST. FRANCIS 

Some Brothers of the Order of Minorites 
had sent for a painter, of whom they intend- 
ed to order a picture of St. Francis ; but 
they were not agreed among themselves as 
to the subject to be depicted : one of them 
wanted the Saint to be represented with his 
stigmata, another in the act of preaching to 
the people, another again in some dififerent 
way. The discussion took up the whole day, 
without any resolution being arrived at ; and, 
leaving the artist in doubt as to what he had 
to do, they retired to sleep. Seeing how stu- 
pid they were, and believing they had tried 

CXLIV 

DISCEPTATIO FRATRUM MINORUM PRO IMAGINE SANCTt . 

FRANCISCI FIENDA 

Fratres quidam Ordinis Minonim decreverant, 
accersito pictore, ut imaginem Beati Francisci 
pingeret; sed in forma picturae dissidebant, cum 
alter stigmaticum, alter ad populum praedican- 
tem, alius alio modo pingendum censeret. In ea 
disceptatione cum universum diem consumpsis- 
sent, nulla certa sententia, pictorem dubium 
quidnam ageret relinquentes, dormitum iere. Pi- 
ctor, inspecta Fratrum insulsitate, cum se delusum 



or poGGio 39 

to make a fool of him, the painter portrayed 
St. Francis playing on the flute, some say 
hanging by the neck, and immediately after, 
took to his heels. As soon as they beheld the 
picture, the Brothers went in search of the 
artist, anxious to visit him with severe punish- 
ment; but he had made a good use of his 
legs. They considered that he had been 
guilty of a gross outrage against Religion, 
and wanted to make him pay the penalty 
for it. 

• 

CXLV 

A FLORENTINE PRIEST WHO HAD GONE TO HUNGARY 

In the Kingdom of Hungary it is customary, 
that, after the celebration of Mass, all such 
as are blear-eyed go near the altar, and 

putaret, figuram cam pinxit fistula sonantem, alii 
iaqueo suspenso dicunt, statimque abiit. Figura 
inspecta, Fratres, cum pictorem ut male mulcta- 
retur quaesissent, ille vero pedibus sibi consu- 
luisset, existimantes summam Religion! contu- 
meliam illatam, pictorem ad poenam quaerebant. 

CXLV 

DE SACERDOTE FLORENTINO QIH HUNGARIAM IVERAT 

Est in Regno Hungariae moris, ut post Missam 
celebratam, omnes qui adsunt oculi lippientibus, 



40 THE FACETIiE 

have some water poured into their eyes from 
the chalice by the officiating clergyman, who, 
at the same time, says a few appropriate 
words from Scripture, to call down upon them 
the blessings of health. A Florentine Priest 
formerly went to Hungary with Philip, sur- 
named the Spaniard. As he had, one day, 
said mass in the presence of the Emperor 
Sigismund, many blear-eyed members of the 
congregation came up to him to have their 
eyes wetted as usual. But he, believing that 
drunken and filthy habits were the cause of 
their disease, took up the chalice as he had 
seen it done, and besprinkled them, saying 
in Italian : « Andatemene, che siate morta- 
» gliadiy » that is : « Be off with you, and 
» get your throats cut. » The Emperor- 
King understood it all, and could not help 

accedentes propius altare a Sacerdote aqua in ca- 
licem effusa oculos conspergantur. Dicit autem 
interim Sacerdos verba quaedam ex Sacris Litte- 
ris bonam valetudinem precantia. Accessit ad 
Hungariam olim Sacerdos quidam Florentinus 
cum Philippe, qui Hispanus cognominabatur. 
Hie, cum astante Sigismundo Rege Missam dixis- 
set, accessenint plures ad eum lippientes, ut aqua 
de more oculos conspergerentur. At ille existi- 
mans id nimio potu et crapula contigisse, assump- 
to calice (ita enim fieri viderat) astantes repersit 
dicens lingua Itala : t Andatemene, che siate morti 
» a ghiado, p id est, c Moriamini gladio. » 
Quod intelligens Rex idemque Imperator, risum 



OF POGOIO 41 

laughing. The next day, at a banquet, he jest- 
ingly repeated the words of the Priest, 
which greatly irritated blear-eyed people, but 
vastly amused the rest of the Company. 

CXLVI 

A rustic's reply to his landlord * 

A peasant in our district was, one day, 
asked by his landlord which was the time of 
the year when he was most busy : — « In 
» May, » was the answer. — « How can that 
» be? » inquired the landlord; « there seems 
» to be nothing to do in the fields during 
» that month. — The reason is, » replied 
the rustic, « that we have then to ply both 
» our own wives and yours. » 

continere non potuit. Postridie vero in convivio 
joci causa verba Sacerdotis referens, lippientes 
ad iracundiam, caeteros omnes ad risum com- 
movit. 

CXLVI 

RESPONSIO RUSTICI AD PATRONUM SUI FUNDI 

Rusticus quidam e nostris roganti Patrono 
fundi) quo maxime tempore pluribus laboribus 
implicarentur, — c Maio, 1 respond! t. Scisci- 
tanti causam, id enim minim videbatur, cum 
ad temporis quaedam ab opere rustico vacatio 
esse videatur : — c Quoniam, • inquit, c et no- 
• stras, et vestras, nos uxores subigere oportet. i 

II 4* 



42 THE FACETI^ 

CXLVII 

A RIDICULOUS REMARK BY A FOOL 

A Roman we knew once got on the top of 
a mound surrounded with reeds, and, as if 
making a harangue to the people, began 
addressing the reeds, and discoursing at length 
the state of public affairs in the City. Whilst 
he was speaking, a slight breeze inclined the 
heads of the audience. The silly fellow, 
pretending to take the reeds for men, who 
bowed to him in acknowledgment of his 
speech, said forthwith : a Spare me those 
» tokens of respect, Gentlemen of Rome ; for 
» I am the least of you all. » A sentence 
which, thereafter, became proverbial. 

CXLVII 

RlDICULOSI HOMINIS DICTUM 

Romanus quidam nobis notus ascendit semel 
maceriam in arundineto sitam, ac similis ad po- 
pulum concionanti, coepit ad arundines loqui, 
disserens multa de Urbis statu. Inter dicendum, 
ex levi aura, arundinum capita coeperunt flecti. 
Homo ridiculus, qui sibi arundines pro homini- 
bus finxerat, tanquam pro concione gratias age- 
rent : « Non tanta reverentia, » inquit, t Domini 
I Romani; nam ego ex vobis minimus sum. » Hoc 
postea in proverbii locum venit. 



OF POGGIO 43 

CXLVIII 

SCOFFING AT A MAN WHO INTENDED TO KILL A PIG 

In a village of the Piceno district, it was 
customary, when one killed a pig in winter, 
to ask the whole neighbourhood to dinner. 
Desirous of avoiding that expense, one of the 
villagers consulted his crony : — « The only 
» thing you have to do, » was the advice 
given, « is to say to-morrow that your pig 
» has been stolen during the night. » And the 
blade did indeed steal the animal, whose owner 
suspected nothing of the kind. But, the next 
morning, he became aware of his loss, rushed 
to his crony's, and shouted that he had been 
robbed of his pig. — « Very good , » said the 
other, « that is just what I told you to say. » 

. CXLVIII 

DERISIO HOMINIS PORCUM OCCIDERB TOLBNTIS 

Mos erat in oppido quodam Piceni, ut qui 
hieme porcum occidisset, viciniam ad coenam in- 
vitaret. Quidam quo pacto earn impensam vita- 
ret, compatrem consuluit : — t Die, • inquit ille, 
« eras, porcum tibi hac nocte furto ablatum. • 
Et simul, nihil tale illo verente, clam porcum 
nocte subripuit. Mane conspiciens sibi porcum 
ablatum, ad compatrem profectus, alta voce que- 
rebatur porcum sibi furto subreptum. Tum al- 
ter : -^ <f Recte, compater mi, sapis, • inquit, 



44 THE FACETIiE 

And, as the victim swore, by all the Gods in 
Heaven, that it was the precise truth : — 
a Capital, » he continued, « you follow my 
» advice to perfection. » Oath upon oath 
availed nothing : — « That is just the 
» language I taught you, » he replied, a and 
» I really counselled you soundly. » Thus 
taken in, the gull withdrew. 

CXLIX 

A JEST. OF FACING CANE 

Facino Cane, a General in the service of 
the Ghibeline faction, entered Pavia, and, 
according to agreement, pillaged only Guelph 
property. When this was got through, he 



c ita enim te docui locuturum. • Cum ille sae- 
pius et per Deos omnes juraret id verum esse, 

— < Bene agis, • respondebat; c et secundum 
• consilium meum. • Cum ille juramento iteraret. 

— c Hoc modo te loqui debere antea monui, » 
respondebat, c et sanum consilium dedi tibi. » 
Tandem elusus abiit. 

CXLIX 

DICTUM PACINI CANIS 

Facinus Canis, Dux armonim, opera Ghibel- 
linae factionis, Ticinum ingressus, ex composito 
Guelforum tantum bona diripuit. His consump- 



OF POGGIO 45 

began to ransack the houses of the Ghibelines, 
under pretence of their being filled with 
Guelph goods. The Ghibelines waited upon 
him, and indignantly complained of being 
themselves plundered in that way. — « Quite 
» right, my boys, » answered Facino ; « you 
are all Ghibelines, but the chattels are 
» Guelph. » In that manner, without dis- 
crimination between the factions, he took 
every body's property alike. 



CL 



AN INEXPERIENCED YOUTH WHO DID NOT MAKE THE 
ACQUAINTANCE OF HIS WIFE DURING THEIR FIRST 
WEDDING-NIGHT 

A young Bolognese, a simple-minded ninny, 
had married a beautiful maiden. The first 



tis, coepit et Ghibellinonim domus exinanire, 
tanquam Guelfonim bonis refertas. Dum illi 
apud Ducem quererentur, se, cum Ghibellini es- 
sent, indigne spoliari, turn Facinus : — c Venim 
I dicitis, filii mei, Ghibellini estis omnes, sed 
) bona sunt Guelfa. • Hoc pacto, nullo factionis 
discrimine, bona omnium direpta sunt. 



CL 

DE ADOLESCENTS QUI IGNARUS RERUM UZOREM PRIMA 
NOCTE NON COGNOVIT 

Adolescens Bononiensis, stupidi ingenii el in- 



46 THE FACETIiE 

night, not being in the least up to his business, 
since he had never before frequented any 
woman, he did not succeed in consummating 
the marriage. The next morning, being asked 
by a friend how matters had fared over- 
night : — « Sadly, » he sighed; « for, after 
» repeated endeavours, I could never find in 
» my wife the aperture I was told of. » Seeing 
his silliness : — « Hush, for God's sake, » said 
the friend ; « speak not a word about it ; how 
» unpleasant, and what a shame for you if 
» the thing were known! » The simpleton 
begged for his advice and assistance : — <r Til 
» undertake, » said his interlocutor, « to bore 
» that aperture for you , if only you stand a first 
D rate supper; but I shall require eight days 
» to perform the operation, which is a very 



sulsi, uxorem duxit adolescentulam forma egre- 
giam. Prima nocte, ignanis rerum, ut qui nun- 
quam mulierem cognovisset, matrimonium non 
consummavit. Mane rogatus a socio, quomodo 
res nocturnae processissent, suspirans, — c Male, 1 
inquit; nam cum diu qussisset uxoris concubi- 
tum, tandem illam absque foramine consueto, ut 
aiebant, ab se repertam. Cognita illius stultitia 
socius : — € Tace, • inquit, « obsecro, neque ver- 

• bum hiscas, cum res sit magni pudoris ac pe- 

• riculi, si palam fiat.^» Ille, cum auxilium et 
consilium simul petisset : — c Ego laborem pro 
» te subibo, » ait, c hoc foramen faciendi, si mihi 
» sumptuosam coenam velis prsbere : sed octo 
Y dierum spatium mihi opus est ad banc rem, 



OF POGGIO 47 

» difficult one. » The idiot assented, and, at 
night, secreted his mate with his wife, him- 
self retiring to another bed. After the interval 
agreed upon, the road had been so well 
opened by friendly exertions, that no more 
thorns were to be feared : the husband was 
sent for : « I have toiled and moiled for your 
» service, » said his obliging companion, 
« but the requisite orifice is at last made. » 
The young woman, now thoroughly initiated, 
congratulated her husband, praising highly 
his friend's labour. The fool, overjoyed at his 
wife's perforation, gave his best thanks to his 
comrade, and paid the supper. 



) cum admodum sit difficilis, perficiendam. » 
Annuit autem stultus, et secreto ilium cum uxore 
noctu collocavit, ipse in alio lecto recubans. 
Transacto spatio, cum via esset admodum patens 
amici opera, ut sentes non essent timendi, ac- 
cersito viro, multum diuque se sudasse dixit in 
obsequium ejus, et tandem confectum foramen, 
quod quaerebat. Docta adolescentula viro gratu- 
lata est, amici labores commendans. Stultus cum 
uxorem perforatam invenisset, laetus, et socio 
gratias egit, et coenam persolvit. 



48 THE FACETIiE 



CLI 

A shepherd's wife who had a child 

BY A PRIEST 

The wife of a shepherd, who lived in a lone 
village of our snow-covered mountains, had 
an intimacy with the Vicar, by whom she 
had a child which she brought up at home. 
When it was seven years old, the Vicar 
blandly told the shepherd that the child was 
his, the Vicar's, and asked his leave to take it 
with him to his parsonage. — « No, indeed, » 
replied the shepherd; « I mean to keep the 
» child that is born in my house ; it would be 
» a bad job for myself and for my master if, 
» after allowing my sheep to be tupped by 



CLI 

DE UXORE PASTORIS QUJE DE SACERDOTE HLIUM HABUIT 

Pastoris cujusdam in Rivo frigido, oppidulo 
montano, uxor cum Sacerdote consueverat coire, 
ex quo puenim concepit, educavitque in pastoris 
domo. Cum puer esset septennis, Sacerdos be- 
nigne allocutus pastorem, ait tandem eum pue- 
rum suum filium esse, rogavitque ut sua volun- 
tate puer ad se migraret : — c Minima hoc fiet, » 
pastor inquit; c ego puerum pro me volo, qui sit 

• domi natus. Male enim ageretur mecum et cum 

• patrono meo, » inquit, c si omnes agnos qui ex 



OF POGGIO 49 

» Other people's rams, I were to give their 
» lambs to the owners of the rams. » 



CLII 

A PEASANT WHO BROUGHT DONKEYS LOADED 
WITH WHEAT 

A peasant was craving a favour before the 
magistrates of Perugia, one of whom opposed 
his request, on the ground of dishonesty. 
The next day, the well-advised rustic brought 
to the house of his adversary three donkeys 
loaded with wheat; four days later, his 
opponent had altered his mind, and spoke 
warmly in the peasant's behalf. Whilst he 
was speaking, his colleague next to him asked 
the other magistrates : « Do you hear how 

) ovibus alieno ariete compressis oriuntur, tra- 
I derem arietum patron is. • 

CLII 

DE RU8TICO QUI ASINOS ONUSTOS DEDUXIT FRUM^NTO 

In concilio Perusino, nisticus cum gratiam cer- 
tain quaereret, tanquam inhonesta postulanti ci- 
?is unus contradixit. Postridie admonitus homo, 
tres asinos frumento onustos domum ejus qui 
contradixerat deduxit : post quartum diem, sen- 
tentia mutata, multis verbis rustici causam egit. 
Turn vicinus ejus inter loquendum ad socios in- 

11 3 



bo • THE FACETI^ 

» those donkeys are braying? » in allusion 
to the acceptance of the wheat. 



CLIII 

FUNNY REPLY OF A PAUPER TO A RICH MAN WHO 

WAS COLD 

A rich man, well wrapped up in warm 
clothing,' was on his way to Bologna during 
winter-time; while crossing the mountains, 
he fell in with a rustic who had nothing on 
but one jacket, worn threadbare, and 
wondering at the endurance of the man in 
such weather, with a heavy fall of snow and 
a biting wind, he asked him if he was not 
suffering from the cold? — « Not in the 
» least », was the cheerful reply. — « How 



quit : c Auditisne quemadmodum illi asini ni- 
• giunt? • in frumentum susceptum jocatus. 

CLIII 

FACETUM DICTUM PAUPERIS AD DIVITEM FRIGENTEM 

Dives quidam sufFultus vestibus hieme Bono- 
niam proficiscens, roperto inter montana rustico, 
qui unica tantum et ea contrita tunica indutus 
erat, admiratus in tanta vi frigoris (nives enim et 
ventus erant) hominis patientiam, rogavit, num- 
quid non frigeret? — c Minime, » alter cum laeto 
respondisset vultu; stupenti responsum dicen- 



OF POGGIO 5l 

» now, » retorted the rich man, amazed at 
the answer, « I am freezing under my furs, 
» and you, who are half naked, you do not 
» feel the cold? — If, like myself, .» rejoined 
the rustic, « you had your whole wardrobe 
» on your back, you would not mind the 
» cold either. » 

CLIV 

A .MOUNTAINEER WHO THOUGHT OF MARRYING 

A GIRL 

A mountaineer, of the village of Pergola, 
was inclined to marry the quite youthful 
daughter of one of his neighbours ; but, after 
close inspection, he found her too young, 
too delicate, and refused. — « She is riper 
» than you think, » said the stupid father; 

tique, — c Ego sub pellibus algeo ; tu seminudus 
» non sentis frigus? — Si tu, » inquit ille, f om- 
> nes tuas vestes ferres, sicuti ego meas, tu 
1 quoque nequaquam frigeres. » 

CLIV 

DE HONTANO QUI FILIAH DESPONSARE YOLEBAT 

Cupiebat ex oppido Pergula montanus despon- 
sare uni ex vicinis juvenem filiam. Quam ille 
conspicatus, ut cum nimium teneram et adoles- 
centiorem respueret, insulsus pater : — f Ma- 
) turior est, » inquit, c quam opineris; tres 



52 THE FACETI^ 

a for she has already had three children by 
» the Vicar's clerk. » 



CLV 

A PRIEST WHO ORDERED A YOUNG WOMAN 
TO PAY HIM THE TITHE 

In Bruges, an illustrious city of the West, 
a rather silly young woman was confessing 
to her Parish-priest. He enquired, among 
other things, if she was punctual in the dis- 
charge of the tithes she owed the clergy, and 
assured her that she was bound to pay the 
tithe etiam coitus, which she did on the spot, 
anxious to avoid being in anyone's debt. As 
she came home somewhat late, her husband 



» enim jam filios peperit ex clerico Sacerdotis 
» nostri. » 

CLV 

DE PRESBYTERO QUI ADOLESCENTULJE DECIMA8 
DARE PR^CEPIT 

Brugis, ea nobilis est in Occidente civitas, in 
qua adolescentula baud admodum scita fatebatur 
Parochiano peccata sua. Ille, cum inter caetera 
quaesisset, an debitas decimas traderet sacerdoti, 
persuasit etiam coitus decimam esse reddendam, 
quam juvencula, ut seaere alieno liberaret^ statim 
persolvit. Domum tardius reversa, admiranti 
viro causam morae absque ullo timore dixit. Vir 



OF POGGIO 53 

seemed surprised, and she told him the reason 
as a matter of course. The man concealed 
his wrath, and, four days later, asked the 
Priest to dinner, in company with some 
friends, the better to expose him. When they 
were all seated, he related the story, and 
turning to the Priest : « Since you must have 
1) the tithe of all my wife's things, » said he, 
« take this one too. » And raising to the 
Priest's mouth a cup full of the woman's or- 
dure and urine, he compelled him to empty it 
down his throat. 

m 

CLVI 

A PHYSICIAN WHO RAVISHED A TAILOR*S SICK WIFE 

A certain tailor in Florence asked a medi- 
cal man he knew, to visit his wife who was 

rem dissimulans, post quatriduum Parochianum 
ad prandium vocavit, nonnuUis adhibitis, quo 
res fieret notior. Cum sederent in mensa, vir, 
narrata prius fabula, ad Sacerdotem versus : 
€ Postquam, » inquit, * tibi rerum omnium 
» uxoris meae debetur decima, et banc quoque 
» accipias. » Et simul vas stercore et urina uxoris 
plenum ori Sacerdotis admotum, in mensa libare 
compulit. 

CLVI 

DE MEDICO QUI UXOREM 8UT0RIS INFIRMAM SUBEGIT 

Sutor quispiam Florentiae ad uxorem non recte 
II 5. 



54 THE FACETIiE 

unwell. The physician called whilst the hus- 
band was away from home, and, notwith- 
standing the patient's ineffectual resistance, 
ravished her there and then. On his return, 
the tailor met the Doctor, who, taking leave, 
told him he had carefully attended his wife; 
but, as he entered the room, he found the 
poor woman in tears, and quite distracted. 
Apprized of the dastardly act, he dissembled; 
and, a week later, taking with him some costly 
cloth, he called on the Physician's wife, 
and told her he was sent by her husband, 
who had ordered for her an under-garment, 
which they call a cotta. That the measures 
might be correctly taken to ensure a good 
fit, it was necessary for the lady, a most hand- 
some creature, to strip almost entirely. No 
sooner had she done so, in a secluded recess, 
than the tailor took her by force, thus paying 



valentem Medicum sibi notum rogavit ire. lile, 
absente viro, domum profectus, uxorem ejus, li- 
cet reluctantem, compressit in lectulo. Vir re- 
diens, cum Medicum abeuntem, qui se recte 
mulierem curasse dixit, ofFendisset, uxorem la- 
crymantem capite dissolute invenit. Medici per- 
fidia cognita, rem dissimulavit, et post dies octo, 
sumpto pretiosiori panno, ad uxorem Medici pro- 
fectus, dixit se ab eo missum, quo sibi interior 
tunica (ea cotta vocatur) fieret. Opus erat ut mu- 
lier, quae forma erat egregia, majori ex parte 
nudaretur, quo rectius corporis mensura capi 
posset, ad vestem recte perficiendam. Nudatam, 



OF POGGIO 55 

out the Physician, whom he took good care 
to inform of it later. 



CLVII 

A FLORENTINE BETROTHED TO A WIDOW'S DAUGHTER 

A Florentine, who thought himself a very 
clever fellow, was betrothed to the daughter 
of a widow, and being, as is usual, a frequent 
visitor at his sweetheart's house, one day, 
whilst the mother was away, took advantage 
of the girl. Her looks betrayed the thing to 
the mothef , who scolded her bitterly for hav- 
ing disgraced herself and the family, and told 
her that the marriage was anything but a 
certainty, since she would do all in her power 
to break it off. The young man had been 

remotis arbitris, sutor comprimit, parem vicem 
Medico reddens : quod et postea objecit ei. 

CLVII 

DE FLORENTINO QUI FILIAM VIDU-E DESPONSAVERAT 

Florentinus, qui sibi scitus videbatur, viduae 
filiam cum desponsasset, uxoris domum, ut fit, 
saepius accedens, absente aliquando matre, ado- 
lescentulam cognovit. Ex vultu filiae cognita re, 
mater jurgare acriter illam ccepit que se do- 
mumque deshonestasset, demum testans matri- 
monium illud minime ratum esse futurum, et se 
acturam enixe ut id solveretur. Rediens vir, qui 



56 THE FACETIiE 

keeping watch, and came back as soon as his 
intended mother-in-law had gone out again; 
he found the girl in tears, enquired the reason, 
and was told that the mother meant to break 
off the match : — « And you ? » he asked. — 
« I wish to obey mamma, » was the reply. — 
« Nothing easier, » said he; and, as she 
wondered how it was to be done : — « The 
» first time » he continued, « you acted the 
» inferior part ; now take the upper one, and 
» contrary action will dissolve our marriage. » 
She assented, and thus the match was broken 
off. Some time afterwards, she took another 
husband, and her former lover another wife- 
She was present at his wedding, and the me- 
mory of the past brought a smile on their 
lips when they looked at each other. This did 
not escape the new bride's observation, and 
suspicious of something wrong, she asked her 

id observabat, absente socru, cum moestam ju- 
venem deprehendisset, quaesita causa, matris 
sententiam de distrahendo matrimonio intellexit : 
f Quid tu ? » ille. — « Matri obsequi volo, » re- 
spondit. — « In tua est potestate, » inquit alter. 
Cum ilia modum quaereret : — « Antea, » ait, 
c inferiores partes egisti ; nunc superior evadas 
» oportet, ut per contrarium actum dissolutio 
» matrimonii fiat. » Consensit ilia, et matrimo- 
nium dissolvit. Tandem ilia virum, ille uxorem 
alteram duxit. In ejus nuptiis prior sponsa affuit 
et cum ambo, praeteritorum memoria, invicem 
subridere coepissent, videns haec nova uxor, et 



OF POGGIO 57 

husband, in the night, the meaning of what 
she had noticed. He tried hard to evade an 
answer, but, by dint of urgency, she forced 
him into relating the story and exposing his 
former mistress's silliness : — « Confound the 
» hussy who was such a fool as to tell her 
» mother of it ! » exclaimed the wife. « What 
» was the use of letting her know about your 
» doings? Our valet slept more than a hun- 
» dred times with me, without my ever men- 
» tioning one word about it to mamma. » 
The husband remained silent ; he felt he had 
been rewarded according to his deserts. 

aliquid suspicans mali, noctu rogavit virum, 
ecquid ille sibi voluisset risus ? Tergiversantem 
detundendo compulit, ut fabulam referret, et 
simul illius sttiltitiam accusaret. Tum uxor : — 
c Contristetur, » inquit, c 11 lam Deus quae tarn 
9 fiiit amens, ut id notum fecisset matri ! Quid 
» enim opus erat, ut matri vestrum concubitum 
» referret stulta ? Me quidem noster famulus 
» amplius centies cognovit, neque ullum unquam 
» verbum a me innotuit matri. » Tacuitvir, sen- 
tiens sibi debitam mercedem impensam. 



58 THE FACETIiE 

CLVIII 
A USURER IN VICENZA 

A Friar, a man of great authority, who 
frequently preached to the people, was being 
constantly urged by a usurer of Vicenza to 
inveigh against usurers, and to brand their 
villanous trade, particularly rampant in that 
city; the man was so pressing on the subject 
as to be at times troublesome. Someone felt 
surprised at the fellow's anxiety to have 
brougth into contempt misdeeds that were 
his own, and asked him the reason for such 
marvellous solicitude : — « There are so 
» many people who practice usury here in 

CLVIII 

DE FCENERATORE YICENTINO 

Foenerator Vicentiaus Religiosum, magnae 
auctoritatis virum, continues sermones de more 
ad populum habentem, hortabatur saepius ut 
acriter inveheretur contra usurarios, detestare- 
turque quam maxime vitium, quod praecipue in 
ea urbe vigeret ; adeoque instabat, ut quandoque 
esset molestus Religioso. Admiratus unus tarn 
continuo instantem pro ejus rei castigatione, 
cujus quaestum ipse faceret, quaesivit quid sibi 
.tam frequens sollicitudo vellet. Turn ille : — cita 
» multi sunt, » inquit, c in hoc loco, qui artem 
» usurariam exercent, ut, cum pauci admodum 



OF POGOIO 59 

» Vicenza, » was the reply, « that hardly any 
)) borrowers come to me, and I make no mo- 
» ney. But if the rest could be persuaded to 
» give it up, all their profits would come into 
» my till. » I have the story from the Friar 
himself, who, laughing, related it to me. 

CLIX 

MOST AMUSING STORY OF GIANNINO, THE COOK 

Giannino, head-cook to Baronto, who had 
practiced the culinary art in Venice, related, 
at the Secretaries' dinner, a most amusing 
story. A foolish Venetian had received a trash- 
ing, and was desperately anxious to have 
sons who should avenge the outrage he had 
received ; but his wife was barren ; so he went 

» ad me accedant^ nihil faciam lucri. Sed si cae- 
» teris foenus dissuasum erit, cessabunt ipsi, et 
» pervenient ad me omnium reliquorum emo- 
» lumenta. » Hoc mihi postea Religiosus ridens 
retulit. 

CLIX 

FABULA FACETISSIMA JANNINI COQUI 

Janninus cocus Biaronti Pistoriensis, qui Vene- 
tiis coquinariam exercuerat, in convivio Secreta- 
riorum retulit fabulam admodum jocosam. Ve- 
netus insulsus fiiit^ qui per injuriam vapulavit. 
Cum filios habere cuperet^ qui acceptam injuriam 



60 THE FACETIiE 

to a friend of his, who pretended to great 
proficiency in procreation, and appealed to 
his abilities. The friend promised his best and 
most zealous efforts, and acted the husband's 
part. One day, the latter had left his substitute 
to sow his field, and was strolling about the 
town, so as not to interfere with the operation, 
when he fell in with his enemy, who threaten- 
ed further violence . — « Oh ! oh ! » he 
cried, shaking his head, a hold your peace, 
» you fool. You know nothing of what is brew- 
» ing for you at home. If you did, far from 
» threatening me, you would go in bodily 
» fear for your own self. He is on the stocks, 
» upon my word, he who shall be my aven- 
» ger! » 

ulciscerentur, uxor autem esset sterilis, rogavit 
amicum^ qui filiorum procreandorum se opificem 
optimum profitebatur, ut sibi hoc munus impen- 
deret procreandi. lUe operam studiumque poUi- 
citus, mariti vice fungebatur. Interim, cum semel, 
relicto ad serendum agrum viro, ne quid ei operi 
impedimenti afferret, per urbem vagaretur, obvio 
ac majora minanti inimico : — c Ho ho, » quassans 
caput, <c tace, stulte, » inquit. c Nescis bene quid 
» te contra agatur domi. Si quidem id scires, 
» nedum contineres minas sed timeres tibi. Fi 
» jam, mihi crede, fit qui faciet vindictam no- 
» straml » 



OF POGGIO 6l 



CLX 

A STUPID VENETIAN, WHO, WHEN RIDING, CARRIED 
HIS SPUR IN HIS BREAST-POCKET 

He also related another rather similar tom- 
foolery of a Venetian, who, having mounted 
his horse for a ride in the country, carried 
his spurs in his breast-pocket. As the animal's 
pace was slow and heavy, he kept nudg- 
ing its sides with his heels, saying all the time : 
« You won't move on, will you? If you but 
» knew what I've got in my pocket, you'd 
» soon mend your step, I warrant. » 



CLX 

DE FATUO VENETO QUI EQUITANS CALCARIA 
IN SINU GESTABAT 

Addidit et alterius Veneti haud imparem stulti- 
tiam, qui, cum equum ascendisset, rus iturus, 
calcaria in sinu ferebat. Equus cum pigre tar- 
deque ambularet, ille calcaneis armos saepius 
percutiendo : c Tu non moveris? » inquit; c en, 
» si scires quid in sinu habeam, mutares pas- 
> sum. » 



II 



62 THE FACETI-fi 



CLXI 

A DOLTISH VENETIAN MADE A FOOL OF 
BY AN ITINERANT QUACK 

We laughed heartily at another story he 
told us. He related that an itinerant quack 
came to Venice, on whose sign was pictured 
a Priapus divided, at certain intervals, by 
band-strings. A certain Venetian came up, 
and enquired the meaning of those partitions. 
The quack, for the fun of the thing, replied 
that memhrum suum was endowed with such 
a peculiar property, that if, with a woman, he 
used but the first part, he begot merchants; if 
the second, soldiers; up to the third, Generals; 
up to the fourth. Popes ; his fee being propor- 

CLXI 

DE VENETO INSANO QUEM PHARMACOPOLA 
CIRCUMFORANEUS DERISIT 

« 

Narravit quoque aliam fabulam^ in qua plu- 
rimum risimus. Ait pharmacopolam circumfora- 
neum Venetias venisse, cujus in vexillo pictus 
erat Priapus pluribus ligaturis distinctus. Accessit 
quidam Venetus, quid ilia distipctio significaret, 
quaerens. lUe per jocum ait, membrum suum 
illius esse naturae, ut quum mulierem' prima 
tantum parte cognosceret, mercatores faceret; 
secunda milites ; tertia Duces; quarta Pontifices: 
et pretium pro qualibet personarum petebat. Id 



OK POGGIO 63 

tionate to the rank and quality ordered. The 
dolt took his word for it, and, after a confer- 
ence with his wife, brought him to his 
house, and bargained for a soldier. As soon 
as the quack had set about the job, the hus- 
band made a pretence of withdrawing, but 
hid himself behind the bed; when he saw the 
pair hard at work manufacturing the soldier 
agreed upon, he rushed forward, and giving 
the man's backside a vigorous push, so as to 
secure the advantage even of the fourth divi- 
sion : « By God's Holy Gospel, » be shouted, 
8 this will be a Pope! o fencying he had 
diddled the fellow. 



credens stultus, 
domum vocavii bominem, facto pretio, ut sibi 
filium Diilitem faceret. Cum ad coitum cum 
uxore ventum esset, maritus simukns se abire, 
clanculum post tectum secessit. Et cum illi gj- 
gnendo militi inlenti esscnt, prosiliit tatuus, et 
culum sessoris vehementer premcns, ut quarta; 
quoque partis beneficio uterelur : < Per Sancta 
> Dei Evangelia, hie erh Papa! ■ inquit, putans 
se socium defraudasse. 



i 



64 THE FACETI^ 



CLXII 

A VENETIAN, WHO, ON HIS WAT TO TREVISO, GOT BIS 
BACK STRUCK BY A 'STONE WHICH HIS SERVANT HAD 
THROWN 

A Venetian, proceeding to Treviso, rode a 
livery-horse, while his servant went on foot. 
On the way, the animal gave the servant a 
kick on his leg, which so pained him, that 
wishing to be revenged, he picked up a stone 
and threw it, unintentionally, on the small 
of his master's back. The silly rider thought 
he had been struck by his horse ; and, as 
his man went but at a slow pace, on account 
of the injury he had sustained, he began 
chiding him. — « I cannot go any faster, » 
said the poor fellow : « your horse has kicked 

CLXII 

DE VENETO QUI, TERYISIUM PROFICISCENS, A SERVO 
IN RENES LAPIDE PERCUSSUS EST 

Venetus, Tervisium profecturus, equo conducto 
vehebatur, servo pedibus iter faciente. Inter 
eundum, cum equus servi crus calce percussisset, 
ille dolore motus, abrepto saxo, equum ulcisci 
cupiens, casu in renes patroni projecit. Credidit 
stultus equum id egisse; cum servus, qui tardius* 
ex vulnere incedebat, increparetur a Domino : — 
c Nequeo citius proficisci, » inquit, c ex equL 
» calce, qua me afflixit. » Tum ille: — c N& 



OF POGGIO 65 

» me severely. — He is indeed a deuced 
» kicker, » retorted the Venetian ; « he has 
» just given it me hard on my back. » 



CLXIII 

A FOX PURSUED BY HOUNDS, AND HIDDEN IN STRAW 

BY A PEASANT 

A Fox, chased by a pack of hounds, took 
refuge with a Peasant who was thrashing 
corn, and craved his protection, promising 
never to make free with his fowls. The Pea- 
sant agreed to the bargain, took up some 
straw with his pitch-fork, and ensconced the 
Fox therewith. Soon came one sportsman, 
and then another, searching for Reynard, 



» cures^ » inquit, c est video admodum calci- 
» trosus; nam et mihi quoque modo calcem 
» magnam in renes dedit. » 

CLXIII 

DE VULPE A RUSTICO IK PALEA ASCONDITA 
QVJE FUGABATUR A CANIBUS 

Vulpes olim fugiens in venatione canes^ divertit 
ad Husticum, qui in area triticum terebat^ rogans 
ut a canibus tueretur, et simul poUicita est nun- 
quam se ejus puUos gallinaceos laesuram. Annuit 
Rusticus conditioni, et sumptis paleis furcula 
Vulpem texit. Advenit unus et item alter ex ve- 
il 6. 



66 . THE FACETIiE 

and they asked the rustic if he had not seen 
a Fox running off, and in what direction. By 
word of mouth he answered that it had speed- 
ed away along a certain path, but, by nods 
and winks, he gave them to understand that 
it was hiding under the straw. The sports- 
men, minding his words rather than his signs, 
went away. The Peasant then uncovered the 
Fox, saying : « Now, mind you keep your 
» promise ; for you owe your escape to what 
B I said, and to my telling them you had 
» gone. » But Reynard, anxious for dear life, 
had carefully followed the Rustic's every 
motion through the intervals of the bits of 
straw : — « Your words, » he rejoined, « were 
9 good indeed, but your action was very bad.» 
This applies to all such as say one thing and 
do another. 



natoribus, Vulpem quserens : rogitabant autem 

Rusticum, numquid Vulpem fugientem vidisset^ 
et iter ejus. Ille verbis Vulpem per certam viam** 
diffugise, nutu vero et oculis latere sub palei^s 
innuebat. Illi, potius ad verba quam nutum re^ — 
spicientes, abierunt. Tum Rusticus, detect^s 
Vulpe : « Serva, » inquit, « modo promissa 
» nam meis verbis evasisti, cum dicerem tf^ 
» abiisse. » At ilia, quae sibi timens per rimaiL ^ 
inter paleas Rusticum contemplabatur diligenter : 
— t Verba tua, » inquit, c bona fiierunt, se«:=i 
» actus satis mali. » Dictum in eos qui ununsr:! 
verbis, aliud re agunt. 



OF POGGIO 67 



CLXIV 

A FLORENTINE WHO HAD BOUGHT A HORSE 

A Florentine I was acquainted with was 
under the necessity of buying a horse in 
Rome, and bargained with a dealer, who 
asked him twenty-five golden ducats, too 
high a price ; he offered to pay fifteen ducats 
cash, and to owe the surplus; to which the 
dealer assented. On the following day, when 
asked for the balance, the buyer refused 
payment thereof, saying : « We must keep 
» our agreement : it was settled between us 
» that I was to be your debtor ; I should be 
» so no longer if I were to pay you. » 

CLXIV 

DE FLORENTINO QUI EQUUM EMERAT 

Notus mihi Florentinus Romae empturus ne- 
cessario equum, pactus est cum venditore, qui 
25 aureos pretium carius equo postulabat, se 
1 5 daturum in praesentia, reliquomm vero se 
debitorem ejus esse velle. Annuit venditor. Pos- 
tridie cum residuum peteret, solutionem recu- 
sans : « Serva conventa, » emptor inquit. 
« Pepigimus quidem ut debitor tuussim futurus: 
» si autem tibi satisfecissem, non futurus essem 
» amplius debitor. » 



68 THE FACETIiG 

CLXV 

A JOKE OF GONNELLA THE JUGGLER 

Gonnella, who was formerly a highly amus- 
ing juggler, had promised an inhabitant of 
Ferrara,most desirous of becoming a diviner, 
that he would make one of him, for a consi- 
deration. He made the man lie in the same 
bed with himself, let out noiselessy a fizzle, 
and bade him put his head inside, between 
the sheets. The fool complied, but immedi- 
ately beat a hasty retreat, driven out by the 
stench : « You have broken wind, I think, » 
said he. — o Out with the money, » replied 
Gonnella ; « for you have divined right. » 

CLXV 

FACETISSIMUM HISTRIONIS GONNELLJE 

Gonnella, quondam histrio perfacetus, polli- 
citus est, ob pauculos nummos, se quemdam 
Ferrariensem, qui id admodum cupiebat, Divi- 
num esse facturum. Accersito, ut una secum in 
lecto cubaret, homine, ventum tacitum ventris in 
lecto emisit, deinde eum in interiorem lectupi 
caput subducere jussit ; quo facto, cum ille foetore 
motus, caputque statim exserens, t Crepitum 
» ventris edidisti, ut video, » dixisset, tumi Gon- 
nella : — c Solve nummos, nam recte divinasti, » 
inquit. 



OF POGGIO 69 



CLXVI 

ANOTHER PRACTICAL JOKE AT THE EXPENSE OF A MAN 
WHO WISHED TO BECOME A DIVINER 

Gonnella also said to another man, who 
eagerly expressed the same wish: « I can 
» make a diviner of you, by means of one 
» single pill. » And he made up a ball of 
ordure, which, with the booby's consent, he 
thrust into his mouth. The fellow immedi- 
ately spit it out in disgust, exclaiming : « What 
» you have given me there smells of turd I » 
Gonnella assured him he had guessed quite 
right, and claimed the price agreed upon. 



CLXVI 

ALTERA FACETIA DE UNO QUI DIVINARE VOLEBAT 

Alteri quoque, ut divinator fieret optanti : 
c Unica^ > inquit, c pillul'a te Divinum reddam. » 
Assentienti pillulam e stercore confectam in os 
praebuit. lUe prae foetore vomitans : c Stercus, » 
inquit^ c sapit, quod dedisti. » Tum Gonnella ve- 
nim ilium divinasse affirmavit^ et pretium divi> 
nationsi poposcit. 




70 THE FACBTIiE 

CLXVII 

PRODIGIES REPORTED TO POPE EUGENE 

This year, during the month of October, 
after Pope Eugene's return to Florence, se- 
veral prodigies were reported, on such trust- 
% worthy autority, that it would seem unsafe 
to deny them credit. They were related in a 
letter from Como, written by people of high 
respectability, who asserted that they had 
derived their information from eye-witnesses. 
One evening, at the twenty-first hour, from 
a spot about five miles outside Como, a mul- 
titude of seemingly red-coloured dogs had 
been descried, at a distance of four miles, 
making for Germany. This first corps was 

CLXVII 

DE PRODICnS NUNCIATIS EUGINIO PAP£ 

Hoc anno, mense Octobri, cum itenim Ponti- 
fex esset Florentise, plurima prodigia nuntiata 
sunt, et ita certis autoribus, ut fidem abnuere 
imprudentis videatur. A Como litterae allatse ab 
honestissimis viris asserentibus ea ad se delata a 
plurimis, qui id conspexefant, testabantur, a.certo 
loco, qui ultra Comum est mill, passum. 5, ves- 
peri 2 1 . hora, visam esse ingentem canum, qui 
rubeo colore videbantur, multitudinem ad qua- 
tuor millia, iter Alemanniam versus facere. Hanc 
veluti primam aciem sequebatur bourn pecu- 



OF POGGIO 71 

followed by an immense number of beeves 
and sheep; next came horse and foot, divided 
into squadrons and companies, many of 
them clad in armour , and so numerous that 
they represented a veritable army; some 
seemed as if they had hardly any heads, 
others appeared headless. The rear was 
brought up by a man of enormous size, as 
tall as a giant, who, riding a very big horse, 
drove a considerable quantity of various 
beasts of burden. The continuous filing ofif 
lasted near upon three hours, so that it was 
seen in several places, and that many men 
and women witnessed it, who had even drawn 
closer, in order to have a better view. After 
sunset, as if the strange procession had sud- 
denly removed to some other locality, it was 
not seen any where. 

dumque ingens numerus : post hos equites pedi- 
tesque in turmas cohortesque divisi, scutati 
plures^ adeo magna manu, ut exercitum reprae- 
sentarent^ quorum partim vix capita, partim sipe 
capite conspiciebantur. Ultima acies erat hominis 
permagni gigantis more equo altiori insidentis, 
et ipse magnam jumentorum diversi generis co- 
piam secum ducens. Tres ferme horas eorum 
transitus fuit longissimo agmine, ut diversis in 
locis apparerent : cujus rei plures exstant testes 
viri foeminaeque, qui etiam propius conspiciendi 
causa accesserunt. Post solis occasum, veluti ad 
alia transissent, nequaquam conspecti sunt. 



7» THE FACBTIiE 

CLXVIII 

MARVELLOUS TO BBHOLD 

A few days later, and from the city of 
Rome, other facts were reported, which are 
beyond doubt, since they have left behind 
traces that are still to be seen. On the 
twentieth day of September a whirlwind 
tumbled down the walls of an uninhabited 
castle, called Borgeto, six miles from the 
City, and those of a very old church in the 
same neighbourhood ; the stones were broken 
so small, that it seemed as if they had been 
scattered by human hands. A small tavern, 
at the foot of the walls, where wayfarers put 
up and many people had taken refuge, had 

CLXVIII 

MIRANDUM CONSPICIENDUM 

Paucis post diebus, et ab urbe Roma allata 
sunt alia baud dubia fide, cum manifesta exstent 
vestigia. Ventorum turbine coorto, die 20. Sep- 
tembris, muri castelli deserti, qui Borgetus ap- 
pellatur, prope Urbem mill, passuum 6, et item 
ecclesia qusedam pervetusta ei loco propinqua, 
solo tenus dejecta sunt, ita contritis lapidibus, 
utmanibus hominum disturbata viderentur. Cau- 
ponulae quse infra muros erat peregrinantium 
diversorium, cum in earn plures confiigissent, 
tectum omne sublatum, alioque baud longe in 



OF POGGIO 73 

its roof swept away by the wind, and carried 
to a short distance on the road, without 
anyone being hurt. The tower of St. Rufina's 
church, ten miles from Rome, on the opposite 
bank of the Tiber, towards the sea, at a place 
called Casale, was levelled to the ground by 
the force of the hurricane. People were 
amazed at such destruction, and wondering 
what could have occasioned it, when two 
herdsmen, who lived and usually worked in 
Casale, came to Rome, impelled by those 
strange events; they related that they had 
frequently seen, walking in the neighbouring 
woods, the Cardinal, who, surnamed the 
Patriarch, recently died of a wound in Adrian's 
mausoleum. According to custom with Car- 
dinals, he was clothed in a linen upper- 
garment, had his head covered with a square 
cap, as during his life-time, looked sad, 

viam translatum est absque hominum nocu- 
mento. Turris quoque ecclesiae S. Rufinse longe ab 
Urbe mill, passuum 10 in ora Transtiberina, 
mare versus, Casale appellatum, a solo avulsa, 
prostrataque est. Horum causam multis mi- 
ran tibus sciscitantibusque, bubulci duo, qui 
eo in Casali morabantur, agriculturse causa, ad 
Urbem ob rei, novitatem accedentes, retulemnt 
saepius a se visum in sylvis propinquis inambu- 
lantem Cardinalem, qui in sepulchro Adriani 
ex vulnere nuper decessit, Patriarcham cognomi- 
natum, veste desuper linea, ut moris est Cardi- 
nalium, et bireto capite contecto, prout deferre 

II 7 



74 THE FACBTIiE 

moaned and groaned. At the very moment 
when the storm suddenly broke out, it being 
day-time, they had seen him aloft, in the 
midst of the hurricane, clasp the tower with 
his arms, raise it some distance from the 
ground, and then throw it down with all his 
might. A number of ogks and holms, of 
marvellous thickness, had likewise been 
uprooted and carried away. All this was 
scarcely believed at first, but the truth of it 
was subsequently confirmed by several other 
people who came from the place. 



consueverat, moestum, lamentantem ac conque- 
rentem. Eo vero tempore, quo ventorum turbo 
adeo repens fuit (interdiu autem erat)^ conspe- 
ctum ab sese in aere inter ventos amplexantem 
eam turrim, et ab solo a se longius delatam ad 
terram prostrasse. Complures insuper quercus 
atque ilices mirae grossitudinis ab radicibus avul- 
sas, atque alio esse delatas. Quibus rebus cum 
parum fides haberetur, multi cum accessissent, 
id pro comperto retulerunt. 



OF POOGtO 75 

CLXIX 

A DECEITPUL NOTARY IN FLORENCE 

A Notary in Florence, who made but little 
money by his profession, in quest of some 
crafty trick from which he could derive a 
profit, called upon a young man, whom he 
asked if five hundred florins, formerly lent by 
his father to someone now dead, had been 
paid him back. The young man, who knew 
nothing about it, said that the debt was not in 
his father's books. But the Notary asserted 
that it was the result of a contract drawn up 
by himself, and induced, him to cause a copy 
to be delivered, for cash, that he might urge 
his claim before the Magistrate. In answer to 
the summons, the son of the pretended debtor 

CLXIX 

DE NOTARIO FLORENTINO FALSO 

Notarius quidam Florentinus, qui parum quae- 
stus arte sua faciebat, excogitata aliquid lucrandi 
versutiaf adolescentem quemdam adiit, petens^ 
numquid ei satisfactum esset de quingentis flore- 
nis, qui olim patri per quemdam jam defunctum 
mutui causa debebantur? Inscius ille, negavit id 
debitum in nominibus patris esse. Notarius id 
instrumento constare ab se facto asserens, juve- 
nem perpulit, ut nummis redempto instrumento 
apud Praetorem debitum peteret. Citatus filius 



76 THE FACETIA 

denied that his father had ever borrowed 
anything of anyone, no debt of the kind 
being entered in his books, as is the rule in 
business; and he forthwith waited upon the 
Notary, whom he taxed with forgery for 
having drawn up the deed of an agreement 
which had never taken place : — « My lad, » 
replied the Notary, « you know nothing 
» about what was done at the time, since 
» you were not yet born. Your father did 
» indeed borrow that sum, but he paid it 
» back a few months later ; it was myself who 
» made out the receipt. » The youth, by 
ineans of a handsome fee, obtained possession 
of the document, and thus escaped the 
annoyance of a law-suit. By that smart con- 
trivance the rogue extorted money from both 
parties. 



ejus, qui debitor dicebatur, negavit parentem un- 
quam mutuo quicquam ab alio sumpsisse, cum 
nihil de ea re (ut mos est mercatoribus) libris 
suis constaret; statimque ad Notarium profectus, 
ut falsum hominem arguere coepit, qui, quod 
nunquamesset actum, scripsisset. TumNotarius: 
— c Nescis, fili, temporis illius, acta, » inquit, c cum 
» nondum natus esses. Pater quondam tuus earn 
» summam mutuo sumpsit, sed post paucos re- 
» stituit menses. Ejus rei ego contractum feci, 
» quo liberatus ist pater. » Ille, pecunia data, in- 
strumentum redemit, eteamolestia liberatus est. 
Ita ab utroque nummos bella fraude contraxit. 



OF POGGIO 77 



CLXX 

A FRIAR WHO INTRODUCED « PER FORAMEN 
TABULiE PRIAPUM > 

In the district of Piceno there is a town 
called Jesi : a Friar, Lupo by name, who lived 
there, was in love with a young maiden whom 
he passionately urged to gratify his desires. 
She at last yielded to his entreaties ; but as, 
from fear of feeling too mucja. pain, she 
showed some hesitation, the Friar promised 
to put between them a wooden board, through 
a hole in which telum mitteretur. In conse- 
quence, he provided himself with a very thin 
deal board, made a hole in the middle, stole 
into the girPs room, missoque per foramen 
Priapo, which was still asleep, cum puellam 

CLXX 

DE MONACHO QUI MISIT PER FORAMEN TABULA PRIAPUM 

In Piceno est oppidum Esis nomine. In eo 
Monachus quidam, qui Lupus vocabatur, amabat 
virginem adolescentiorem. Cui cum multis verbis 
coitum suasisset, cessit ilia tandem precibus; sed 
cum verita esset ne nimio dolore transfoderetur, 
paululumque haesitaret, Monachus tabulam li- 
gneam, per cujus foramen telum mitteretur, in- 
termediam se positurum dixit. Dehinc tabula 
abiegna, quae pertenuis erat, quaesita ac paulum 
perforata, ad puellam clanculum adiit, missoque 

II 7. 



78 THB FACETIiE 

deosculari ccepisset, sublatis vestibus, he went 
in search of the longed for dainty. Virga 
vero, roused by the maid's sweet breath et 
ittferioris partis tactu, coepit admodum, et 
prater mensuram /oraminiSy tumescere, and 
was strangled like. It was held so tight that 
it could neither go in nor out without acute 
suffering. The expected pleasure was converted 
into harrowing pain, and the Friar, writhing 
under the infliction, began to groan and 
scream. The lass, thoroughly scared, endea- 
voured to comfort him with her kisses, and 
to achieve the desired end ; but the alleviation 
she tried to apply only increased his anguish, 
for, the greater the swelling, the more 
excruciating the compression. The luckless 
Friar was on the rack, and begged for cold 
water, wherewith to bathe and reduce the 



per foramen Priapo, qui adhuc dormiebat, cum 
puellam deosculari suaviter coepisset, sublatis 
vestibus cibum concupitum quaerebat. Virga 
vero, suavitate oris et inferioris partis tactu 
expergefacta, coepit admodum et praeter men- 
suram foraminis tumescere, adeo ut valde con- 
stricta teneretur. Res ita in arcto erat, ut neque 
ingredi, neque egredi absque magno dolore 
posset. Versa in dolorem voluptate, clamare et 
gemere Monachus ccepit nimio vexatus cruciatu. 
Exterrita puella, cum osculo solari hominem 
vellet, et rem optatam perficere, in doloris le- 
vamen, tormentum augebat ; nam cum ea ex re 
virga mmentior fieret, eo arctius torquebatur. 



OP POGGIO 79 

tumor which tortured him ; but the damsel, 
afraid of the people of the house, did not 
dare to ask for any. At last, strongly moved 
by the poor wretch's screams and sufifering^ 
she went and fetched some, bathed profusely 
the painful locality, and the swelling soon 
decreased. The Friar, hearing somobody 
stirring about already, felt anxious to get 
away, and e tabula membrum deduxit, galled 
to the quick. He had to put himself under 
medical care, and his mishap became public. 
If everyone paid such a high price for his 
freaks, many people would become more 
reserved. 



Cruciabatur miser, petens aquam frigidam) qua 
abluto telo tumor ille resideret. Virgo, quae do- 
mesticos timeret, aquam petere non audebat. 
Tandem hominis clamore doloreque percita, 
aquam advexit. Ea perfuso inguine, et ea parte 
quae tabulae inserta erat, paululum tumor abiit. 
Monachus, cum jam strepitum quemdamdomi 
fieri persentiret, abeundi cupidus, e tabula mem- 
brum deduxit, majori ex parte decoriatum. Me- 
dicum cum morbo quaesisset, fabula palam facta 
est. Si caeteris tanto sua vitia constarent, plures 
fierent continentiores. 



8o THE FACBTIiE 



CLXXI 

SHOCKING STORY OF A BOY WHO USED TO EAT 
LITTLE CHILDREN 

Under cover of these tales I shall relate a 
most horrible and abominable fact, unheard of 
in former ages, and which I myself utterly 
disbelieved, until I was convinced of its truth 
by a letter from one of the King's Secretaries, 
worded somewhat as follows : « A monstrous 
atrocity has been perpetrated ten miles from 
Naples, in the mountains, close to a village 
named Somma. A Lombard boy, thirteen 
years of age, has been arrested and taken be- 
fore the Magistrate, after having eaten two 
little children three years old. By dint of 



CLXXI 

HORRIBILE DE PUERO QUI INFANTULOS COMEDEBAT 

Inseram his nostris confabulationibus rem ne- 
fandam horrendamque, nullis antea sseculis au- 
ditam, quam ego quoque fabulosam existimabam, 
quoad litteris cujusdam Regii Secretarii certior 
factus sum, verum esse quod fatebatur. Sententia 
particulse litterarum his ferme verbis explica- 
batur : c Rem monstro similem accessisse prope 
Neapolim decern millibus passuum, in montibus 
Summae, quod est castrum eo loci situm. Puer 
Lombardus tredecim annorum captus est, et ad 
Praetorem perductus, qui jam duos infantulos 



OF POGGIO 8l 

caresses, he enticed them into some cave, 
where he hung them, cut their bodies into 
small pieces, some of which he ate raw and 
still palpitating, whilst he cooked the re- 
mainder oh a fire. He admitted having eaten 
several more, because their flesh was more 
savoury than any other, and he added that he 
.would begin again, if he had a chance. He 
was at first taken to be out of his mind ; but, 
as his answers were quite pertinent on all 
other subjects, it was made clear that he had 
acted fi-om savage impulses, and not from 
insanity. » 



trium annorum comederat. Seducebat eos blan- 
ditiis in speluncam quamdam, atque ibi sus- 
penses in frusta partiebatur, partim crudas a 
recenti caede carnes edens, partim igni coctas. 
Fassus est se plures alios comedisse, idque se 
agere, quoniam sapidiores reliquis carnibus vi- 
derentur; seque denuo comesturum, si posset. 
Cum dubitaretur insania ne hoc faceret, consulte 
ad caetera respondit, ut feritate, non dementia 
factum constaret. > 



82 THE FACETIA 



CLXXII 

A FLORENTINE ENIGHT, WHO MADE A PRETENCE OF 
GOING OUT, AND HID HIMSELF IN THE BED-ROOl, 
UNKNOWN TO HIS WIFE* 

A gouty Florentine Knight (I suppress, 
his name out of regard) had a wife who 
cast her eyes on the steward of the house. It 
had not escaped the husband ; one holiday, 
he pretended to go out, and hid himself in the 
bed-room, unsuspected by his wife. She, be- 
lieving her lord to be far out of sight, called 
in the steward privately. After a few words of 
greeting : « I want us to play some game to- 
» gether, » she said. He assented, and she 
continued : — « We will simulate a fight, 



CLXXII 

DE EQUITE F1,0RENTIN0 QUI, PINGENS 8E ITURUM P0RA8, 
INSQA CONJUGE IN CUBICULO LATUIT 

Eques Florentinus podagrosus, cujus nomen 
honoris causa reticeo, habebat yxorem, quae in 
dispensatorem domus oculos conjecerat. Id viro 
cum esset perspectum, ac die festo simulasset se 
foras iturum, in cubiculo, inscia uxore, latuit. 
Ilia e vestigio virum abesse rata, dispensatore 
clanculum accersito : c Volo, > inquit, post aliqua 
primi congressus verba, c ut ludum aliquem iter 
9 nos ineamus. > Cum ille annueret : c Simu- 
» lemus, » ait mulier, c bellum inter nos esse, et 



OF POGGIO 83 

» and then make peace. » The steward inquir- 
ing what he should do : — a Let us wrestle 
» a bit, » she explained, « and when you have 
» thrown me down, you shall thrust the dart 
» into my wound ; then we will conclude 
» peace by an exchange of kisses. » It was 
quite agreeable to the man, who had always 
hfard peace .extolled, and for whom peace 
had so many prospeaive sweets. But, when 
they were both lying on the floor, preparing 
the deed of pacification, the husband sallied 
from his lurking-place : — « A hundred times 
» during my life, » said he, « I have succeeded 
B in bringing about peace ; but this one, 
» against my wont, I must break off. x> So the 
two lovers had to depart without having 
signed the protocol. 



9 pacem postea faciemus. » Altero modum quae- 
rente : — c Luctemur paululum, » inquit, c et 
» cum me ad terram prostraveris^ telum inferas 
» in meum vulnus, tuncque mutuis osculis 
» pacem constituemus. > Placuit illi, cum semper 
pacem audisset laudari ab omnibus, pax tarn 
suavis fiitura. Cum vero recumbentes ad pacem 
se pararent, turn vir e latebra egrediens : « Cen- 
i tum jam ego diebus meis, » inquit, c paces 
> perfect. Hanc ego unam tantum dirimam, 
1 praster consuetudinem meam. » Ita pace in- 
fecta abierunt. 



84 THE FACETIAE 



CLXXIII 

A FELLOW WHO WANTED TO KKKP UP APPEARANCES 
OF EXTREME CHASTITY, AND WAS TAKEN IN THE 
ACT OF FORNICATION 

A fellow-townsman of ours, who wanted to 
be taken for a chaste and highly religious 
man, was one day caught in the act of un- 
clean intercourse by a friend, and sharply 
reproached for falling into such an ugly sin, 
he who was constantly preaching up chastity. 
— « Oh ! » he replied, « it is not through 
» lust, as you might think, it is for the break- 
» ing and mortification of this miserable 
» flesh, and also to cleanse my loins. » That 
is the way with those vile hypocrites : they 



CLXXIII 

DE QUODAM YOLENTE SE VIDERI SUMM£ CASTITATlS, 
IN ADULTERIO COHPREHENSO 

Quidam civis noster, qui se castum summseque 
religionis videri volebat, semel deprehensus a 
socio in coitu inhonesto, acriter ab illo repre- 
hensus est, quod castitatem praedicans, in id 
facinus laberetur. Turn alter : — t Oh! Oh! • 
iiiquit, c non proper luxuriam. ut forsan putas, 
» sed ad domandam macerandamque hanc mi- 
» seram carnem, et ad purgandos renes, hoc ago. » 
Ita et isti pessimi hypocritse qui bus omnia op- 
pleta sunt faciunt, qui semper eorum ambitionem 



OF POGGIO 85 

never deny themselves anything, and always 
clothe their ambition and crimes with some 
honest pretence or other. 

CLXXIV 

ON THE SAME SUBJECT 

A liermit, who inhabited Pisa, in Pietro 
Gambacorta's time, once introduced a whore 
into his cell, and, in one night, had twenty 
transactions with her, each time cum moveret 
dunes, in order to free himself from the 
reproach of lewdness , saying in Italian : 
ff Domati, came cativella, » which means : 
c Master thyself, miserable flesh. » It got re- 
ported by the whore, and the fellow was 
expelled from the town. 



et scelera sub aliquo honesti velamento contegi 
volunt. 

CLXXIV 

AD IDEM 

Eremita, qui Pisis morabatur, tempore Petri 
Gambacurtae, meretricem noctu in suam cellulam 
deduxit, vigesiesque ea nocte mulierem cognovit, 
semper cum moveret clunes, ut crimen higeret 
luxuriae, vulgaribus verbis dicens : c Domati, 
» came cativella, » hoc est : c Doma te, miserrima 
» caro, » Quod cum retulisset meretrix, ille urbe 
pulsus est. 

II 8 



86 THK rXCETlM 



CLXXV 

A POOR FELLOW WHO GOT HIS LIVING AS 
A FERRY-MAN 

A poor fellow picked up a livelihood by 
conveying people across a river in his boat. 
One day he had had nobody to ferry over, 
and was going home, late, in a melancholy 
mood, when someone appeared in the di- 
stance, and hailed the ferry-man, who, in the 
hope of making a small profit, retraced his 
steps, and cheerfully rowed the passenger 
across. But, when he asked for his salary, the 
stranger solemnly declared he was penailess, 
and offered good advice instead of money. — 
« Nonsense », exclaimed the boatman, « can 
» I put your good advice on the table to feed 

CLXXV 

DE PAUPERS QUI NAVICULA VICTUM QUJEREBAT 

Pauperculus, qui navicula ad flumen transpor- 
tandis hominibus victum quaerebat, cum ne- 
minem una die transvexisset, seroque mcestus 
domum rediret, apparuit longe quidam clanii- 
tans, ut veheretur. Ille, lucellum sperans, cum 
redisset, Isetus hominem traduxit. Cum pecuniam 
peteret, ille enixe jurans nullos sibi nummos 
adesse, se sapientiam illi pro nummis datunun 
pollicetur : — « Quid ? » nauta inquit, c num 
» familia mea esuriens sapientia pro dbo pasd 



OF POGGIO 87 

» my starving family ? — Well, it is not in my 
» power to pay you otherwise », said the pas- 
senger. The poor devil wrathfully asked 
what the advice was : — « Never more », re- 
plied his interlocutor, « never ferry anyone 
» over without first having your money, and 
» never tell your wife cuiquam majus gent" 
» tale memh^m quam tihi esse ». Thereupon, 
the boatman sadly returned to his cottage. 
The housewife asked him how much he had 
earned to buy bread with ; be replied that in 
lieu of money he had received excellent ad- 
vice, and, without omitting any particular, 
told her all about it. When he came to the 
geniiale business, the woman pricked up her 
ears : — a How is that, man, » she said, c are 
» not all of you equally sized ? — No, for- 
» sooth, » was the reply ; a there are vast dif- 

» potest? — Hoc solOi i alter ait, c tibi satis 
» possum £eicere. » lile subiratus, petens quaenam 
hsc asset sapientia : — c Ut nunquam, i ait, 
f quempiam transportes de caetero, nisi prius 
» pecunia recepta ; turn ut nunquam dicas uxori 
» cuiquam majus genitale membnim quam tibi 
» esse. » His auditis, mcestus domum rediit. 
Uxor quid quaestus fecisset ad emendum panem 
cum percontaretur, vir pro lucre sapientiain se 
reportasse affirmat, remque narrans ordine, tra- 
ditam sapientiam refert. Mulier, cum ad genitale 
aurem erexisset : c Numquid, mi vir. i inquit, 
c non omnes aequa mensura estis? — Yah! » 
respondit^ c magna est inter nos differentia. Nam 



88 THE FACETIA 

» ferences between us ; our Vicar, for instance, 
» surpasses us all by one half, » and, so saying, 
he stretched out his arm, to describe the 
length he was alluding to. She immediately 
blazed up for the Vicar, and had no rest till 
she had experimentally ascertained the truth 
of her husband's assertion. Thus, the good 
advice given to the poor fellow helped but to 
his confusion, and he learnt, arliis own ex- 
pense, that everyone should leave untold 
what may be prejudicial to himself. 

CLXXVI 

A FOOLISH MILANESE WHO WROTE DOWN HIS SINS 

FOR A PRIEST 

A certain Milanese, either through foolish- 
ness, hypocrisy, or diffidence of his memory, 



» Sacerdos noster dimidio ferme nos omnes 
> excedit, » et brachium extendens mensuram de- 
scripsit. Ilia statim in Sacerdotem accensa, nun^ 
quam destitit quoad, vir an vere dixisset, quam 
primum experiretur. Ita, sapientia in stultitiam 
versa, docuit reticenda nobis esse quae sunt noci- 
tura. 

CLXXVI 

DE QUODAK IN8ULS0 MEDIOLANENSI QUI IN SCRIPTIS 
PORREXIT PECCATA SUA 8ACERD0TI 

Mediolanensis quidam, sive stultus, sive hypo- 



OF POGGIO 89 

had recorded his sins in a lengthy memoran- 
dum with which he went to a learned man, 
of great experience in the matter, Antonio 
Raudenense the Milanese, of the Order of Mi- 
norites, and handing him the manuscript 
which recited his confession, requested him 
to read it. Antonio was far too cautious and 
clever not to see that the perusal would take 
up a great part of his time, and, knowing 
what a silly prater he had to deal with, he 
merely asked him a few short questions, and 
hastened to say : « I absolve you of all the 
» transgressions mentioned in this schedule. » 
Being asked what penance he enjoined : 
— « During this month, » he replied, a you 
» shall read seven times a day what you have 
» written there. » The Milanese protested he 

crita, sive obliviosus, cum libellum quemdam 
pergrandem suorum erratorum scripsisset, pro- 
fectus est semel ad virum doctissimum inque ea 
re admodum peritum, Antonium Raudenensem 
Mediolanensem, ex Ordine Minorum, ut ei pec- 
cata sua confiteretur, libelloque porrecto, rogavit 
ut cum legeret, qui contineret confessionem 
suam. Vir scitus et prudens, qui cam lectionem 
plurimi temporis esse videret, stultitia hominis 
cognita, paucis ilium verbosum interrogans : c Ab 

> omnibus te^ > inquit, c quae in hoc codice con- 
» tinentur, absolvo. > Cum alter, quam. sibi 
poenitentiam injungeret, rogaret : — * Ut per 

> mensem hunc, > inquit, c tuum libellum sep- 

> ties in die legas. > Cum id a se fieri posse ne- 

II 8. 



90 THE FACETIiE 

could fiever get through it ; but to no pur^ 
pose : the Confessor would not abate one jot. 
The fool's prolixity was thus aptly rewarded. 



CLXXVII 

A MAN WHO, WHILST ON A VISIT TO HIS BRIDE'S 
RELATIONS, HAD ASKED HIS FRIEND TO SET 
HIM OFF 

A man, of weak health and scant means, 
was taking a wife. One day, in the middle of 
summer, he had been asked to dinner by her 
relatives, and introduced a friend of his, 
whom he had instructed to enhance whatever 
he should hear him say. His mother-in-law 
admiring the doublet he was wearing, he 
alluded to a much finer one he had; 



garet, perstitit Confessor in sententia. Ita fatui 
verbositas responso superata est. 

CLXXVII 

DE QUODAM QUI YISITANDO AFFINES UZORIS VOLBBAT 
A SOCIO COMMENDARI 

Desponsaverat uxorem quidam haud satis 
firma valetudine, et minima opulentus. Accer- 
situs sestate ad coenam ab uxoris parentibus, 
duxit secum amicum quemdam, rogans, ut sem** 
per verbis augeret ea quse ab se dicerentur. 
Laudante socru tunicam qua vestitus erat, se 
aliam multo pulchriorem gener habere dixit. 



OF POGGIO 91 

eupon the friend mentioned another one 
twice as costly and valuable. In reply 
s £sither-in-law, who enquired about his 
35, he said he owned a farm, the income 
hich suf&ced for his wants : — « You 
•get », interrupted the confederate, a you 
get that other demesne, so much more 
isiderable, and that brings you in such 
leal of money. » In short, whatever the 
boasted of was bloated up by his com- 
>n. Noticing that his son-in-law was 
[g but little, the host urged him to do 
i honour to the fare. — « I am rather out 
sorts in summer time », apologized the 
1 eater. — « There is much more in it 
m he says, » exclaimed his friend, 
ing up his brag, a he is unwell in 
mmer, but much worse still in winter. » 

socius praeter cam alteram etiam duple 
osorem illi esse asseveravit. Rogante socero 
as possessiones haberet, se prsedium extra 
dum possidere ait, quod victum suppedi- 

: — c Non meministi, > inquit socius, c et 
erius praedii, quod illo multo est elegantius, 

quo plurimos nummos contrahis? > Deinde 
ngula quae ab illo jactabantur, socius duplum 
srebat. Cum vero panim quid ederet, so- 
le hortaretur ad cibum : — t Non bene 
!, 1 inquit, c testate habeo. » Hie socius, 
olitam jactantiam servaret : — c Plus 
ilto quam dicat est, » inquit; c nam aestate 
lie se habet, et multo pejus hieme. > His 



92 THE FACETIiE 

There was a hearty laugh all round : the 
vainglorious fool had wanted himself untruth- 
fully praised up, and got scoffed at for his 
pains. 

CLXXVIII 

A CERTAIN PASQUINO OF SIENNa'S JOKE ABOUT 
A FART FROM A BODY CORPORATE 

Pasquino of Sienna, a humorous and quick- 
witted man, exiled from his country in con- 
sequence of a political revolution, had retired 
to Ferrara, where he was visited by a compa- 
triot, of no great consistency, who, coming 
from Venice, was going back to Sienna. This 
man met with a good reception at Pasquino's 
hands, and, in conversation, promised his 

verbis cum risissent omnes levissimi hominis 
jactantiam ad falsam laudem quaesitam, stultitis 
praemium tulit. 

CLXXVIII 

DE PASQUINO QUODAM 8ENENSI QUI IMPOSUIT CinDAH 
EX STATU UT CREPARET 

Pasquinus Senensis, vir dicax ac jocosus, mu- 
tato statu civitatis, cum exul a patria Ferrariam 
se contulisset, accessit ad cum visendi gratia civis 
quidam Senensis, haud magni vir pretii, qui ex 
Venetiis Senas redibat. Comiter a Pasquino 
susceptus, cum inter loquendum suam ille ope- 
ram, si quid in ejus gratiam agere posset, Senis 



OF POGGIO 93 

good offices if he could do anything in his 
behalf : a I have a long arm », he added 
boastingly; a I am actually part of the body 
» of the State. — Wish to God, » retorted 
Pasquino, « that that body may soon let a 
9 good fart and rid itself of you and your 
». like! » thus facetiously punishing the 
fellow's vainglory. 

CLXXIX 

A STUPID DOCTOR, WHO SPOKE LATIN WHILE 
BIRD-CATCHING 

An ignorant and silly Milanese Doctor saw 
a man who was going bird-catching with an 
owl^ and, anxious to witness the sport, asked 
leave to accompany him. The fowler assented, 



1 nam cito crepet id corpus, > inquit, c ut tu 
1 tuique similes ex eo quam primum egre- 
> diantur! » Facete jactantiam hominis casti- 
gavit. 

CLXXIX 

DE DOCTORE QUI L1TTERALI 8ERM0NE LOQUEBATUR 
IN AVIBUS CAPIENDIS ET INDOCTUS ERAT 

Doctor Mediolanensis, indoctus, atque insul- 
sus, hominem qui ad capiendas aves cum noctua 
proficiscebatur, rogavit, ut se^ qui id videre cu- 



•»f 



94 THE FACETIiE 

and stationed him under cover of thick foliage, 
close to the owl, on condition of not speaking 
a word, lest he should frighten away the 
birds. There soon congregated quite a flock 
of these, and the fool shouted the information 
to his companion, advising him to draw the 
net. At the sound of his voice, the winged 
tribe took their flight. Sharply taken to * 
account by the fowler, the Doctor promised 
he would hold his tongue : the birds came 
back to the spot, when the idiot bawled out : . . 
« Aves permultce sunt, » convinced that they 
could not understand what he said in Latin. 
They were all immediately on the wing, and 
the bird-catcher, once again disappointed of 
his prize, rated the man most vehemently 
for having spoken. — a But how, » he asked, 
« do birds know Latin? » That clever Doctor 



piebat, ad capturam avium secum duceret. An- 
nuit auceps, et hominem frondibus contectum 
juxta noctuam statuit, ea conditione ne verbum 
faceret, ne aves terrerentur. Cum aviculae plures 
convenissent, stultus ille e vestigio clamavit avi- 
culas multas adesse, ut rete contraheret. Ills 
audita voce diffugerunt. Increpatus acriter ab 
aucupe, silentium est pollicitus; aves cum iterum 
convenissent, e vestigio stultus verbis Latinis, 
c Aves permultae sunt! » inquit^ existimans qus 
ab eo Latine dicebantur, aves minime intelle- 
cturas. Rursus fugientibus avibus, cum auceps 
captura fnistraretur, hominem acerrime, quod 
locutus essety objurgavit. Turn alter : **- t Num- 



OF poGOio gS 

imagined that they had been put to flight, 
not indeed by the sound of the human voice, 
but by the meaning of the words, as if they 
had understood them. 



CLXXX 

A WOMAN WHO TOOK IT FOR A COMPLXMENT TO BE 
TOLD THAT SHE HAD A BROAD CHANNEL 

A married woman in Sienna was in con- 
versation with her lover. Post coitum, he 
affronted her by saying that he never in his 
life had found so broad a .channel. But she 
took it for a handsome compliment, and 
smilingly replied : — « That's your amiability, 
» no merit of mine. I only wish you said the 



1 quid Latine sciunt, » inquit^ c aves? » Existi- 
mavit Doctor ille, non ad sonum, sed ad sensum 
verborum, tanquam ab se intellectam vocem, 
aves diffiigisse. 

CLXXX 

DE MULintB SE CREDENTE AD LAUDEK TRAHI) CONPITBNDO 
LATIOREM YULYAH HABERE 

Subigebatur ab adultero mulier Senensis. Hie 
cum post coitum in ejus contumeliam dixisset^ 
se nunquam in alia latiorem vulvam reperisse^ 
ilia existimans id sibi laudi esse : — c Ex gratia 

> tua hoc, » inquit, c dicis, non meo merito : 

> utinam miht ea, quam profers, adesset copia ! 



96 THE FACKTIJK 

» truth : I should be very proud of it, am 
» think a deal more of myself. » 



CLXXXI 

AMUSING REMARK BT A YOUNG WOMAN IN LABOUR 

In Florence, a young woman, somewhai 
of a simpleton, was on the point of being 
delivered. She had long been enduring acute 
pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, 
inspected secretiora ejus, in order to ascertain 
if the child was coming : a Look also on the 
» other side, » said the poor creature; c my 
» husband has sometimes taken that road, i 



• nam multo propterea me nobiliorem, et majori 
f existimandam reputarem. » 

CLXXXI 

DE ADOLBftCENTULA LABORANTE EX PARTU FACETUX 

Adolescentula paulo simplicior, Florentine, la- 
borabat ex partu, magno dolore constituta. Cum 
diutius summo cruciatu distraheretur, et.ali- 
quando obstetrix, sumpto lumine, secretiora ilHus 
inspiceret, an nondum infans egrederetur, posti' 
cum etiam, an ea prodiret infans, inspicere jussit, 
nam et secum ea quoque parte quandoque vinim 
coisse ait. 



OF poooio 97 



CLXXXII 

SOMEONE WHO PASSED THE HIGHEST EULOGY 
ON A YOUNG ROMAN 

One of our party was enthusiastic in the 
praise of a very handsome young Roman, 
who combined a most happy disposition with 
a highly cuhivated mind, and warmly extolled 
his distinction and good morals. Several 
persons having echoed the eulogy : — « I 
i> verily believe, » said he, q that our Lord 
B Jesus-Christ, at his time of life, was just 
» like him, and not otherwise. » What a 
splendid encomium of human beauty ! Neither 
Cicero nor Demosthenes could have found 
any thing more exquisite. 



CLXXXII 

DK QUODAM .QUI ROMANUM AD0LE8CENTULUM 
ADMODUM LAUDAVIT 

Rpmanum adolescentulum admodum formo- 
sum, sed honestate praeditum, certe deditum stu- 
diis litterarum, laudabat summopere quidam e 
nostriS; formam moresque ejus multis verbis 
extollens. Et cum plures in eum laudes con- 
gessisset, tandem : c Existimo, t inquit, C'Jesum 
• Christum nostrum, cum id esset aetatis, ne- 
1 quaquam alia atque ista forma fuisse. t In- 
gens laus formae, ut qua nullam exquisitiorem 
neque Demosthenes, neque Cicero adinvenisset ! 

II 9 



98 THK FACSTIiB 



CLXXXIII 

SBVBIUL PERSONS UTTE3UNG VARIED WISHES 

Several persons were conversing in Flo- 
rence, and each was wishing for some different 
thing that would make him happy ; such is 
always the case. One would have liked to be 
a Pope, another a king, a third somethiog 
else, when a garrulous child, who happened 
to be there, said : a I wish I was a melon. 
» — And for what reason ? » was the query. 
— « Because everyone would smell my 
» bottom. » It is usual for those who want to 
buy a melon to apply their noses under- 
neath. 

CLXXXIII 

DE PLURIBUS QUI DIVER8A BONA SIBI OPTABANT 

Erant complures Florentiae coUoquentes, et sibi 
diversa bona optantes, ut fit. Cum alter se Pon- 
tificem Maximum, alter Regem, alter quippiam 
aliud se velle esse asseveraret, tum puer loqua- 
culusy qui aderat : c Ego, t inquit, c pepo esse 
f vellem. t Rogatus quam ob causam : — c Quo- 
> niam omnes mihi culum olfacerent, t respon- 
dit. Est enim mos frequens, ut melones empturi 
posteriorem olfaciant partem. 



»* 



OF POGGIO 99 



CLXXXIV 

A TRADESMAN, WHO, PRAISING HIS WIFE, ASSERTED 
THAT SHE HAD NEVER FARTED 

A tradesman was praising his wife in the 
presence of a nobleman, on whom he was 
dependent, and, among other things to her 
credit, asserted that she had never let a fart. 
— c Too good to be true, » said the noble- 
man ; a ril bet you a good dinner that, before 
» three months are over our heads, she will 
» have farted more than once. » The next day 
he asked to borrow of the tradesman five 
hundred ducats, which he promised to return 
in a week's time. The man did not like to lend 
such a large sum; he consented however, 

CLXXXIV 

DC aCRCATORE QOT, LAUDANDO UZOREM 8UAM, A88BRIBAT 
CAM NUNQUAX CREPITUM EDIDI8SE 

Mercator quidam, coram Domino, cui subditus 
erat, uzorem inter caetera commendans, cum 
diusset illam nunquam ventris crepitum edi- 
disse, admiratur Dominus, idque negans fieri 
potuisse, posito inter eos opiparae coenae pignore, 
quod, antequam tres exissent menses, aliquos 
crepitus ederet uxor, mercatorem postridie ro- 
gavit, ut quingentos sibi aureos infra octo dies 
reddendos mutuo concederet. Gravabatur ille 
tantam summam ab eo mutuo concedendam. 



100 THE FACSTIA 

though reluctantly, and gave the money. H 
waited anxiously for the term agreed upoi 
and waited upon the nobleman to claim h 
debt. His lordship, pretending to be ver 
short of cash and under urgent engagement 
begged the tradesman to let him have anothc 
five hundred ducats, with the promise ( 
paying back both loans before the end of tfa 
month. The honest fellow pleaded povert) 
and made a protracted resistance ; howevei 
for fear of losing his first advances, he dis 
bursed in the end other five hundred. Sad an 
sick at heart, he went home; worried b 
anxiety and apprehension, his nights becam 
sleepless. Whilst he was lying awake, he fre 
quently heard his wife fart in her sleep. A 
the end of the month, the nobleman sent fo 



Assensit aegre tamen et pecuniam concessit. Cue 
sollicitus diem conventum exspectasset, accessi 
ad Dominum, creditam pecuniam poscens. Alter 
tanquam re graviori pressus, rogavit mercato 
rem, velut in arcto constitutus^ ut pro re admo 
dum gravi alios quingentos mutuaret, et se omnei 
infra mensem poUicetur restituturum. Cum ba 
nus vir, diutius inopiam praeferens, denegasset 
tamen, ne et reliquorum solutio deficeret, multh 
suspiriis et alios quingentos attulit. Domum re- 
versus, moestus atque animo seger, multa cogi- 
tans, plurima dubitans, agebat noctes insomnes. 
Vigilans saepius, audivit uxorem dormientem 
edere ventris crepitus. Post mensem, Dominus 
mercatorem ad se vocavit, sciscitans an unquam 



OF POGGIO 101 

him, and enquired whether he had since heard 
his wife break wind? The poor man confessed 
his mistake : « I have heard her so often, > 
said he, a that it would cost me, not a dinner 
» indeed, but my whole patrimony. » He 
then got his money back, and paid for the 
dinner. Many things escape sound sleepers. 

CLXXXV 

MOST SENSIBLE REPLY TO A SLANDERER 

LoYsio Marsilio, an Austin friar, who re- 
cently lived in Florence, was a man of infi- 
nite judgment and learning. In his old age, 
he had brought up, and initiated into polite 
literature, a poor young countryman of ours, 
Giovanni, whom we knew and who, thanks 



postea uxorem crepitantem audisset? Tum tile, 
errorem suum confessus : — c Toties, t inquit, 
f ut nedum coena, sed patrimonium consu- 
> mendum fiiisset. » Hoc dicto, pecuniae Tedditae, 
et coena soluta. Multa itaque subterfugiunt dor- 
mien tes. 

CLXXXV 

SAPIENTISSIMA RE8PON8IO CONTRA DCTRACTOREM 

Loisius Marsilius, ex Ordine Augustinensium, 
fiiit nuper Florentiae, vir excellei\ti ingenio et 
doctrina. Hie senex educaverat institueratque in 
studiis humanitatis pauperem adolescentem no- 

II 9« ^ 



102 THE FACBTIA 

to him, became a remarkable scholar. One of 
his fellow-pupils, a Florentine — for a num- 
ber of students attended the old friar's lectu- 
res — prompted by jealousy, began to secretly 
disparage the youth with his Master, asserting 
that he repaid his benefactor with ingratitude 
by thinking and speaking ill of him. As he 
was constantly reverting to the subject, the 
old man, full of sagacity, asked him how long 
he had known Giovanni : — « Not more 
» than a year, » was the reply. — a Well 
» then, » retorted Marsilio, « I wonder you 
» should think yourself so clever and me so 
» foolish as to pretend to know more of Gio- 
» vanni's nature and disposition in one twelve- 
» month, than I with whom he has been living 
» these ten years. » A most sensible reply, 



mine Joannem (quem novimus) contribulem 
nostrum, adeo ut postea vir doctissimus eva- 
deret. Fiorentinus quidam condiscipulus (plures 
enim discendi gratia ad senem confluebant) invi- 
dia motus, coepit occulte detrahere apud Magi- 
strum adolescenti, asserens eum veluti ingratum 
male de eo et sen tire et loqui. Id cum saepius 
egisset, tunc senex, qui erat prudentissimus : 
c Quanto, » inquit, f tempore Joannem nosti?i 
Cum detractor haud amplius annum respon- 
disset : — c Mirer, » ait, c adeo sapientem te 
1 existimari et me stultum velle, ut putes melius 
1 anno quam me decennio, quo mecum vixit» 
f naturam et mores Joannis nosse. » Sapientis- 
sima responsio, et detractantem nequitiae coar^ 



OF POGGIO I03 

which exposed the slanderer's wickedness, 
and enhanced the faithful young man's loyalty! 
If that example were generally followed, envy 
and backbiting would not stand such a good 
chance. 

CLXXXVI 

A FUNinr ANSWER WHICH APPLIES TO MANY BISHOPS 

Loi'sio Marsilio was asked by a friend what 
was the meaning of the tassels on Bishop's 
mitres, and replied that the one signified ^e 
New, and the other the Old Testament, which 
Bishops should always have by heart. The 
querist proceeded to ask the signification of 
the two bandlets which hang down from the 
mitre to the loins : — a They mean that 



guens, et adolescentis fidem commendans. Hac si 
plures uterentur, minor esset invidis et detrac*- 
tioni locus. 

CLXXXVI 

FACETA CUJUSDAM RESP0N8I0 MULTI8 KPISCOPIS 
ACCOMMODATA 

Idem rogatus ab amico, quidnam sibi vellent 
duo veluti apices in Episcoporum mitris consti- 
tuti, respondit significari anterior! Novum, poste- 
riori Vetus Testamentum, quae ipsi tenere me- 
moria deberent. Procedens ulterius percontator, 
cum quaesisset quid etiam significarent due 
veluti corrigiae, quae a mitra post renes pendent : 



\ 



104 "^^^ FACETIiE 

» Bishops are ignorant of both, » answered 
Marsilio. A funny, but correct answer, as 
regards many Prelates. 



CLXXXVII 

A JEST ON FRANCESCO FILELFO 

At a meeting of the Pope's Secretaries, in 
the Pontifical palace, attended, as usual, by 
a number of men of great learning, conver- 
sation had turned upon the filthy and dis- 
gusting life led by that villain, Francesco 
Filelfo, who was, on all sides, charged with 
numerous outrages, and someone inquired 
if he was of noble extraction. — <c To be 
» sure, » said one of his fellow-countrymen, a 
good and jolly companion, assuming a most 

— € Neutrum illorum, » inquit, c Episcopos 
1 scire. > Faceta responsio et multis Episcopis 
accommodata. 

CLXXXVII 

FACETUM DICTUM CUJUSDAM IN FRANCISCUIC PHILBLPHXJM 

Cum in palatio Apostolico, in coetu Secretario- 
rum, cui et multi viri doctissimi (ut solet) ade- 
rant, sermo de impura inquinataqu^ vita scele- 
stissimi hominis, Francisci Philelphi^ ortus esset, 
multique multa in eum scelera conjecissent, 
quaesivit quispiam, an Philelphus genere nobilis 
esset. Tum unus contribulis ejus, optimus vir 



OF POGGIO I05 

earnest look, « to be sure he is, and his nobi- 
» lity is even most illustrious; for his father 
. constantly wore silk in the morning, » 
meaning by that that Filelfo was the bastard 
of a priest. When ofiBciating, priests are ge- 
nerally clothed with silk. 

CLXXXVIII 

A JEER AT THE SAME 

a No wonder, 9 rejoined a second wag, 
a that, descended from Jupiter and walking 
» in the steps of his forefathers, he should 
9 have kidnapped another Europa and an- 
» other Ganymede; » alluding to Filelfo's 
having brought over to Italy a young Gre- 

et admodum facetus, vultu ad gravitatem com- 
posite : c Apprime, » inquit, c maxima is fiilget 
» nobilitate, nam pater ejus semper mane vestes 
* sericas induebat, > denotans eum sacerdotis 
filium. Vestimenta enim, quibus presbyteri in 
sacris utuntur, ut plurimum serica existunt. 

CLXXXVIII 

CONTRA EUMDEM FACETIA 

Turn alter non injucundus vir : c Non mirum 
I est, > inquit, c si, nepos Jovis, gesta parentum 

> imitatus, et alteram Europam rapuit, etalterum 

> Ganymedem, > denotans eum et virginem Grae- 
cam, Joannis Chrysolorae filiam, ab eo stupratam 



I 



I06 • THE FACETIA 

cian, the daughter of John Chrysoloras, 
whom he had previously ravished, and to 
his having taken with him to Greece, op 
account of his handsome form, a certain 
young man of Padua. 

CLXXXIX 

A NOTARY WHO HAD TURNED A PROCURER 

There was in Avignon a French Notary, 
well known to the Roman Curia, who, 
smitten with love for a common harlot, gave 
up his practice and lived by the proceeds of 
her prostitution. When came the calends of 
January, which denote the beginning of the 
year, he put on a new coat, and wrote on 
the sleeve, in French and with silver letters : 



in Italiam advezisse, et quemdam adolescentem 
Patavinum ab eo propter formam in Graeciam 
advectum. 

CLXXXIX 

DE LENONE FACTO EX NOTARIO 

Erat Notarius Gallicus Avenione, in Romana 
Curia admodum scitus, qui, cum pub^ici scorti 
amore captus artem Notarii descisset, quaestu 
meretricio vitam agebat. Is, cum Calendis Janua- 
riiy quod est anni principium, novam vestem 
induisset, in manica litteris argenteis adscripsit 
verbis Gallicis : De bene in melius. Visum est sibi 



OF POGGIO 107 

From good to better. He deemed the trade 
of a procurer more honourable than his 
former profession. 



CXC 

A JOKE BT MEANS OF WHICH A CERTAIN PETRILLO 
RID A HOSPITAL OF A FILTHY LOT OF INMATES 

The Cardinal of Bari, a Neapolitan, owned 
at Vercelli, in Cisalpine Gaul, a hospital 
from which he derived but a scant income, 
on account of the expenses incurred there 
for the poor; so he sent one of his agents, 
Petrillo by name, to collect his moneys. 
Petrillo, finding the hospital filled with all 
sorts of invalids and lazy fellows, who 
exhausted the resources of the place, entered 



lenonis exercitium priori esse honore prseferen- 
dum. 

CXC 

FACETUM CUJUSDAM PETRILLI UT LIBERARET HOSPITALE 

A SORDIDIS 

Cardinalis Barensis, Neapolitanus genere, tene- 
bat hospitale Vercellis in Gallia Citeriori, ex quo 
parum percipiebat emolumenti, propter impensas 
quae in pauperes ibi fiebant. Misit ergo de suis 
quemdam, PetrilluiA nomine, ad colligendum 
pecunias. At ille, cum hospitale refertum variis 
languidis ac morbosis, qui bona illius loci ab- 



I08 THE FACBTIA 

the wards, attired in a Physician's gown, 
inspected the different sores, and called all 
the inmates together : « There is but one 
» thing, » said he, « which ban cure such 
» diseases, and that is an ointment made of 
» human fat. I shall therefore, this very day, 
draw lots amongst you, to decide which of 
» you shall be immersed alive in hot water, 
» and boiled for the recovery of the rest. » 
All ran away terrified on hearing this, each 
one fearing that the unlucky number might 
fall to himself; and thus was the hospital rid 
of the expense of keeping such a dirty set. 



sumebanty conspexisset, vestimentis Medici indu- 
tus, hospitale ingressus est, visisque diversi gene- 
ris ulceribus, cum omnes convocasset : c Nulla, • 
inquit, c medela utilis ad sanandum ulcera vestra 
f adhiberi potest, nisi ex pinguedine hominis 
» unguentum fiat. Itaque inter vos hodie sortem 
1 jactam, quis pro salute caeterorum vivus in aqua 
> poni ac coqui debeat. i Singuli his verbis territi 
aufugerunt, ne mortis sors in eum caderet : eo 
modo hospitale impensa sordidorum hominum 
liberavit. 



OF POGGIO 109 



CXCI 

A DROLL STORY OF A YOUNG MAN WHO HAD 
TO DO WITH THE WHOLE HOUSEHOLD 

A certain Florentine had in his house, for 
the literary instruction of his boys, a young 
tutor who made himself so familiar, that he 
took undue liberties first with the maid- 
servant, then with the nurse, next with the 
lady, and lastly with his pupils themselves. 
Made aware of the fact, the father, who was 
jovial to a fault, called the young man into a 
private room, and thus addressed him : 
« Since all my folks have been your tools 
» (and much good may it do you), there shall 
D be no exception, and I require that you do 
9 with me likewise. » 



CXCI 

FACETIA CUJUSDAM QUI SUBAGITABAT OMNES DE DOMO 

Florentinus quidam habebat domi juvenem, 
<}ui filios litteras doceret. Is diutina consuetudine, 
primo ancillam, turn nutricem, deinde patronam, 
postremo etiam discipulos cognovit. Hoc cum 
xescisset pater, erat enimhomo perfacetus, vocato 
in secretius cubiculum juvene : t Postquam, » in- 
quit, c omnes meos subegisti (quod tibi vertat 
» bene), ne quis excipiatur hac sorte, et me quo- 
» que subagites, volo. » 

II ' 10 



110 THE FACETIA 

CXCII 

THE MOST ACCEPTABLE SOUND 

Several persons, in the time of Boniface IX, 
were arguing as to which was the most 
pleasant , the most agreeable sound , and 
opinions were divided. Lito of Imola, 
Secretary to the Cardinal of Florence, the 
one who was really a Cardinal, said that to 
a hungry man no sound was more acceptable 
than that of the bell. It is, in fact, the custom 
with Cardinals for the bell to call the house- 
hold to dinner and supper; and, should it 
ring rather later than some appetites could 
wish, when heard at last it is most delight^l 
to the ears of the famished. Everyone assented, 

CXCII 

DE SONO 

Erat olim tempore Bonifacii Noni sermo inter 
quosdam, quis ex omnibus jucundior ac suavior 
esset sonus. Aliis aliud praeferentibus, Litus Imo- 
lensis, Secretarius CardinalisFIorentini, ejus qui 
vere Cardinalis fuit, campanulam caeteris sonis 
jucundiorem esurienti videri dixit. Mos est enim 
Cardinalibus ut familiam ad prandium atque 
coenam sono campanulas vocent, qui cum tar- 
diusculus fit quandoque quam ferat multorum 
appetitus, auditus fert summam esurienti vo- 
luptatem. Itaque omnes ilium recte sensisse 



or POGGIO III 

especially such as had frequently ascertained 
the fact from personal experience. 



CXCIII 

THE SON OF A PRINCE, WHOM, ON ACCOUNT OF HIS 
SLANDEROUS TONGUE, HIS FATHER HAD ORDERED 
TO REMAIN SPEECHLESS 

A Spanish Prince had a grown up son, 

whose vile and slanderous tongue had brought 

down upon him numerous enmities; for. 

which motive he ordered him never to open 

his lips, and the young man: obeyed the 

injunction. It came to pass that both attended 

a grand entertainment given by the King, 

tlte Queen being present. The youth most 

attentively waited upon his father, without 



;U<dicarunt, ethi praesertim qui id saepius fuerant 
exLjDerti. 

CXCIII 

DE HLIO PRINCIPIS MUTO, JUSSU PATRIS, PROPTER 
LINGUAM MALEDICAM 

f^rincipi olim Hispano erat filius adultus linguae 

i^^si.ledicae ac contumeliosae, qua ex re multorum 

<>*^ i a contraxerat : ob eam causam pater filio, ut 

P^X'petuo sileret, cum indixisset, paruit ille. Ac- 

ciclit interea ut solemni convivio Regis, praesente 

l^^gina, ambo interessent. Adolescens ad caetera 

i^ciustrius, cum ministraret, ut mutus, patri, 



Iia THK FACKTIiE 

saying one word; the Queen, a dissolute 
woman, concluded he was really deaf and 
dumb, and thinking she might improve the 
circumstance, asked the father to let her take 
his son into her service. Having obtained his 
consent, she employed the young man in her 
most private concerns, and thus made him a 
frequent witness of her deportments. Two 
years later the father was again present at a 
similar entertainment. In the interval, the 
King had frequently seen the young man, 
whom everyone took to be dumb. Whilst he 
was waiting upon the Queen, the King asked 
the father whether his son was dumb from 
his birth or by accident. — « Neither, » was 
the reply ; a it is I who forbid him to speak, 
» on account of his evil tongue. » The King 
requested him to revoke the prohibition. 
After declining several times to comply, and 

Regina (ea impudica erat), vere mutum surdum- 
que existimans, et sibi id conducere, rogavit pa- 
trem ut secum esse filium pateretur. Id cum im- 
petrasset, adhibuit eum secretioribus rebus, ita 
ut impudicitise saepe testis esset. Simili iterum 
convivio pater post biennium adfuit. Rex interim 
viderat saepius adolescentem, quern omnes mu- 
tum putabant. HiccumReginaeministraret, petiit 
patrem Rex, casune an natura filius mutus eva- 
sisset : neutnim, ille respondit, sed jussu suo ob 
linguae maledicentiam. Rogavit Rex ut licentiam 
permitteret loquendi. Cum diutius pater restitis- 
set, dicens aliquid scandali secuturum, tandem 



OF POGGIO Il3 

saying that some scandal would be sure to 
ensue, he at last yielded to the Sovereign's 
urgency, and allowed his son to speak if he 
liked. Turning immediately to the King : 
« You hs^ve, » said the young man, u a wife 
» who is more dissolute and more shameless 
» than the most despicable prostitute. » Filled 
with confusion, the King bade him speak no 
further. Some people's words may be scarce, 
and yet be always wrong. 

CXCIV 

A GUARDIAN 

Daccono degli Ardingelli, a citizen of 
Florence, had been appointed guardian to a 
child, whose estate he long administered and 
entirely squandered in eating and drinkiijg. 



Regis praecepto loqui filium, si vellet, jussit. Ule 
imprimis ad Regem conversus : c Habesuxorem, » 
inquity c earn, qua nunquam aliqua prostituta 
» meretrix in\pudentior , aut improbior fiiit. » 
Confusus Rex prohibuit amplius loqui. Mos est 
quorumdam ut, licet raro, tamen semper loquan- 
tur male. 

CXCIV 

CUJUSDAH TUTORIS FACTUM 

Dacconus de Ardingellis, civis Florentinus, 
relictus tutor cuidam pupillo, cum bona illius 

II 10. 



m.-r«r..^ ^.. . - . -^.«i^^ 



114 '^'I^ FACETIiE 

He was at last called upon to render his 
accounts, and the Magistrate summoned him 
to produce his Books of Entries and Issues, 
as they say. Daccono pointed to his mouth 
and to his bottom : « I have none but 
» these, » quoth he; « this is my Book of 
» Entries, that my Book of Issues, n 

CXCV 



A friar's facetious device for getting 

POSSESSION of a woman 



A certain Mendicant Friar had cast his eyes 
upon a pretty young woman, with whom he 
was ardently in love. Not daring to make 
her dishonest proposals, he bethought him- 
self of some deception he might practice 

diutius administrasset , omniaque gulae causa 
absumpsissetj tandem, cum posceretur ratio ge- 
storum, jussus a Magistratu producere Libros 
Introitus, ut aiunt, et Exitus, os et nates osten- 
dit : dicens nuUos sibi, nisi illos, altenim introi- 
tus, alterum exitus, libros esse. 

CXCV 

DE FRATRE QUI COGNOVIT COMMATREU MALITIA FACETA 

Frater quidam Mendicantium injecerat oculos 
in commatrem adolescentem pulchram, maxi- 
meque torquebatur amore illius. Cum plideret 



OF POGGIO Il5 

upon her. Several days in succession , he 
went about with his fore-finger swathed in 
linen, and pretended to be writhing with 
pain. He kept on whimpering so long, that 
the female at last enquired whether he had 
tried any remedies. No end, he replied, 
but all to no purpose; there was but one 
that would be efficient, and which he had 
been prescribed by the doctor, but could not 
resort to ; nay, it was of such a nature that he 
would even blush to describe it. The woman 
urged him not to be ashamed to mention 
what could cure such a grievous disease, and 
he, with affected bashfulness, said that he 
must either have his finger cut off, or hold 
it in natura mulieris, till such a time as the 
heat had brought the sore to a head, adding 
that, out of propriety, he dared not ask that 



aliquid inhonestum ab ea petere, excogitavit ver- 
sutia mulierem decipere. Pluribus diebus fascia- 
tum detulit indicemdigitum, simulans se maximo 
dolore torqueri. Tandem diutius conquerente 
illo, rogavit commater, num quae remedia exper- 
tus esset : Multa, ille respondit, sed nihil pro- 
fuisse; uno autem medicamento, quod quidam 
Medicus suasisset, se uti non posse, et id tale 
esse, ut erubesceret proferre. Hortante muliere, 
ne puderet loqui quae ad medelam tanti morbi 
spectarent, ille, veiut admodum timidus aut di- 
gitum abscindendum esse ait, aut in natura mu- 
lieris esse aiiquandiu tenendum, quoad ex calore 
ulcus maceraretur : sed non audere se propter ho- 



Il6 THE FACETIiE 

of anyone. The woman, moved with pity, 
tendered her good offices. He remarked that 
modesty made it a necessity to repair to some 
dark place, for he wQuld never make bold to 
avail himself of such kindness in the light of 
day. The female complied, suspecting nothing 
wrong. Once in the dark, the Friar made 
her lie down, and primo digitum, deinde 
Priapum in vulva inseruit; which done : 
« The abscess has burst, » said he, « and 
9 discharged its matter. » And thus was the 
finger cured. 



nestatem id ab aliqua petere. Commater, pietate 
mota, suam operam poUicetur. Ille, ex verecun- 
dia^ loco tenebroso opus esse dixit : non enim se 
in luce ausurum tali obsequio uti. Consensit mu- 
lier, nil mali verita. Ille, ut in obscumm ventum 
est, recumbente muliere, primo digitum, deinde 
Priapum in vulva inseruit : quo facto, ulcus aper- 
tum esse dixit, et saniem emisisse. Ita index libe- 
ratus est. 



OF POGGIO 117 



CXCVI 

FUNNY SAYING OF ANGELOTTO ABOUT A LONG«BEARDED 

GREEK CARDINAL 

A Greek Cardinal came to the Curia, 
wearing a long beard, as is usual in his 
country, and many persons wondered that 
he did not shave it off, conformably to general 
custom. — (t He is quite right, » said the 
Roman Cardinal Angeletto, a highly facetious 
man ; a among so many goats, one buck is no 
B superfluity. » 



CXCVI 

FACETIS8IHUM ANGELOTTI DICTUM DE CARDINAL! 
GRJECO BARBATO 

Angelottus Romanus Cardinalis, inmultis per- 
Facetus, cum Cardinal is Graecus ad Curiam, pro- 
lixa de more barba, venisset,mirantibus aliquan- 
diu multis ilium barbam non deponere praeter 
consuetudinem caeterorum : — c Bene se hoc 
» habet, » inquit, c nam inter tot capras, percom- 
i» mode residet unus hircus. » 



Il8 THE FACETIiE 

CXCVII 

A CORPULENT HORSEMAN 

A tun-bellied horseman was riding into 
Perugia, when some by-standers (the in- 
habitants of that town are fond of a joke] 
jestingly inquired of him why he thus 
reversed the custom by carrying his valise 
on his horse's neck. — « I am bound to do 
» so, » he replied, « in a city full of thieves 
» and robbers. » 



CXCVII 

DE QUODAM BQUESTRE CORPULENTO 

Equestrem quemdam admodum corpulentum 
urbem Perusium ingressum, cum permulti (na- 
tura enim ad facetiam sunt prompti) anteriori 
contra morem equi parte jocando ferre mallam 
dicerent, ille faceto response : — t Atqui ita est 
> opus, f inquit, « in urbe furibus ac latronibus 
» referta. » 



OF POGGIO 119 



CXCVIII 

COMICAL REMARK OF A JUDGE TO A BARRISTER 
WHO QUOTED THE C CLEMENTINA » AND THE 
C NOVELLA f 

A will case was being argued in Venice, 
before a secular Tribunal. Counsel for each 
suitor maintained their clients' right. One 
of them, a clergyman, quoted the a Clemen- 
tina » and the « Novella » in Confirmation of 
his argument, and recited certain passages 
thereof. One of the Judges, a very old man, 
to whom those names were utterly unknown, 
and whose converse with Solomon had been 
of the slightest, turned fiercely to the 
Barrister, exclaiming : « What the deuce. 



CXCVIII 

FACETUM CUJUSDAM JUDICIS IN ADVOCATUM QUI 
ALLEGAVIT « CLEMENTINA M » ET C NOVELLAM f 

Causa qusedam testamentaria tractabatur Vene- 
tlis apud Jiidices in certa Curia saeculari. Ade- 
x^ant Advocati partium, quisque sui clientis jus 
ciefendens. Alter et sacerdos, qui testem suae de- 
fensionis attulit Clementinam et Novellam cer- 
tain sententiam earum referens. Turn ex Judicibus 
^randaevus quidam, cui ea nomina ignota erant, 
et qui parum cum Salomon ecommercii contraxe- 
t*et, truci vultu in Advocatum versus : t Quid 
» diabole, tu^ » inquit^ c non erubescis coram 



120 THE FACETIA 

» are you not ashamed to mention to s 
» men as we dissolute and profligate worn 
» Do you imagine we are going to take t 
» word for Gospel and base our judgn 
» thereon? » The ignorant man fancied 
Clementina and Novella were, not inc 
the titles of laws, but the names of won 
with whom the Barrister was living in c 
cubinage. 

CXCIX 

HOW TO AVOID THE COLD 

I was once asking how I could a 
feeling cold in bed. « Only do, » said on 
the by-standers, « what a friend of mine 
» when a student. He was in the cons 



» talibus viris foeminas impudicas et meret 
» las nominare, earum verba pro sententi 
» nobis comprobari putans? t Existimavil 
ille stolidus Clementince et Novellce non Lq 
sed foeminarum nomina esse, quas ille pro 
cubinis haberet domi. 

CXCIX 

REMEDIUM AH FRIGUS EVITANDUM 

Quaerenti aliquando mihi, quomodo 
frigus in lecto vitaretur : — c Eo, » quidam a 
ait^ c quo socius meus^ dum vacaret studiis, 



OF POGGIO 121 

» habit of clearing his bowels after supper ; 
1) but he occasionally refrained, asserting 
» that the matter thus retained kept up, 
s during the night, the heat of his body. » A 
remedy against cold which has fallen into 
disuse. 

CC 

A PREACHER 

On the occasion of the festival of St. 
Christopher, a preacher was extolling at length 
that Saint to the congregation for having 
borne Christ on his shoulders, and frequently 
exclaimed : « Who ever on earth had such a 
» noble privilege as that of bearing our 
» Saviour? » As he reiterated his tedious 



f batur. Nam cum semper solitus esset post 

> coenam ventrem purgare, quandoque eo usu 

> abstinebat, asserens retentum stercus calefacere 
» noctu corpus. > Remedium frigoris desuetum. 

CC 

DE PRJEDICATORE QUODAM 

Praedicator ad populum in festo Sancti Christo- 
phori multis verbis extollebat Sanctum , quod 
Christum suis humeris portasset, ssepius inter- 
rogans : c Ecquis tantam habuisset in terris 
» praerogativam, ut Salvatorem ferret? » Et cum 
molestius in hac interrogatione perseveraret : 

ti tt 



122 THE FACETIiE 

question : « Who was ever the recipient of 
» such grace ? — The ass who bore both the 
» child and the mother, » said a wag, wearied 
out by the constant repetition of the inter- 
rogation. 

CCI 

A YOUNG WOMAN WHO HAD BEEN PARTED FROM 

HER HUSBAND 

A young man of Verona had taken a very 
youthful and handsome wife. As he indulged 
rather too freely in the pleasures of matri- 
mony, his face grew wan and pale, his body 
weak and spare. His mother, anxious on his 
account, and afraid lest he should fall dange- 
rously ill, sent him to the country, at a di- 
stance from his wife. The young woman, griev- 

c Quis, » inquam, c simili fuisset gratia ? t Ex 
astantibus facetus quidam frequenti interroga- 
tione pertaesus : — < Asinus t inquit, c qui et 
» filium et matrem portavit. » 

CCI 

DE ADOLESCENTULA SEGREGATA A VIRO 

Adolescens quidam Veronensis praestanti forma 
adolescentulam uxorem duxit. Is cum plus aequo 
indulgeret matrimonio, pallorem vultus macies 
ac debilitas corporis secuta est. Mater filio solli- 
cita, ac deteriorem morbum verita, filium rus 



OF POGGIO 123 

ing for her husband's absence, caught sight 
of an amourous couple of sparrows : « Hie 
» away, » she said; « that my mother-in-law 
» see you not, for she would not fail to part 
» you. » 

ecu 

TWO MEN QUARRELLING BECAUSE THEY HAD 
THE SAME COAT OF .ARMS 

A Genoese, the captain of a merchant-ship 
armed for the King of France against the 
English, carried a shield on which was depict- 
ed a bullock's head. A French Nobleman 
saw that coat of arms, which he claimed as 
his own; an altercation ensued, and the 
Frenchman called out the Genoese. The latter 
accepted the challenge and arrived on the 



ionge ab uxore ablegabat. Ilia, viri moerens de- 
siderio, coeuntes passeres conspicata : « Abite i 
inquit, c ne si vos socrus conspiciat, et vos alio 
f in di versa distrahat loca. » 

ecu 

DE DUORUH CONTENTIONS PRO EODEM INSIGNI ARMORUM 

Genuensis onerariae navis patronus, qui in 
Gallia conductus a Rege adversus Anglicos navi- 
gavit, gestabat scutum in quo bovis caput depi- 
ctum erat. Conspicatus hunc Gallicus Nobilis, 
cum illud armortim insigne sibi vindicaret, orta 



124 TRK FACBTIiE 

ground without any show, while his foeman 
came with a grand display of magnificence. 
< Well,» enquired the Genoese, « what is it we 
» are going to cross swords about to day ? 
» — I assert, » replied the Frenchman, « that 
» those insignia of yours were mine and my 
» forefathers' before ever being in your fami- 
ly ly. — Very good, » retorted the first speaker, 
« but what are they ? — A bullock's head, » 
was the rejoinder. — « In that case, » said 
the Genoese, « we have nothing to fight 
» about ; for mine are not a bullock's, but a 
» cow's head. » Thus was the Frenchman's 
vainglory wittily dirided. 



altercatione^ Gallicus Genuensem ad certamen 
provocavit. Genuensis, accepta provocatione, in 
campum ad certamen nullo apparatu descendit : 
alter multis impensis ornatissimis in campum 
constitutum venit. Tum Genuensis : c Quid est, i 
inquit, « propter quod certaturi hodie invicem 
1 sumus? » Ille : — cAssero, » inquit, c tua in- 
» signia mea meorumque prius quam tuorum 
1 fuisse. f Cum Genuensis quaenam sua esse 
diceret : — t Caput bovis, » ait. Hie Genuensis : 
— c Non est opus certamine aliquo. i inquit; 
c nam hoc, quod porto, non bovis, sed vaccae est 
» caput, f Faceto dicto inanis Gallici jactantia est 
elusa. 



OF POGGIO 125 



CCIII 

JOKE OF A PHYSICIAN, WHO USED TO PRESCRIBE 
MEDICINES BY LOT 

It is the custom in Rome to send to the 
Physician some of the patient* s urine, with 
one or two silver coins, in order to have a 
consultation. A certain medical man, of my 
acquaintance, used to write down, at night, 
on slips of paper, which they call prescriptions, 
various remedies for sundry diseases, and 
throw them pell-mell into a bag. In the 
morning, when the urines were brought him, 
and he was asked to prescribe, he thrust his 
hand into the bag, and extracted the first 
paper which happened to come between his 
fingers, saying in Italian to his client : « Pre-- 

CCIII 

FACETUM HEDia QUI SORTS MEDELAS DABAT 

Mos est in urbe Roma, ut infirini urina mitta- 
tur ad Medicum, cum uno aut duobus argenteis 
nummis, ut consulat sanitati. Quidam Medicus, 
quern ipse novi, varia n<jcte remedia morbis 
scribebat in cedulis (quas receptas vocant). Eas 
omnes in sacculum ponebat. Mane cum urinae ad 
eum deferrentur, postulato remedio, ille manum 
ponebat ad sacculum, casu quae in manus incedi- 
ret sumpturus, dicens, inter capiendum, petenti, 
vulgaribus verbis : c Prega Dio te la mandi 

II If. 



126 THE FACETIA 

» ga Dio te la mandi buona, n which means: 
« Pray to God that you may draw a good 
» one. » A sorry condition for those poor 
people, whose recovery was dependent upon 
chance, not upon reason. 

CCIV 

A WORD OF COMFORT TO A MAN WHO WAS SAD 
BECAUSE IN DEBT 

An inhabitant of Perugia was going along 
the streets, wrapped in thought and melancho- 
ly, and, being met by some one who enquir- 
ed the motive of his concern, replied that he 
owed money which he could not pay : — 
a Phsaw, » said his interlocutor, « leave that 
» anxiety to your creditor. » 

» buondy » id est : c Roga Deum ut sortiaris bo- 
» nam. » Misera eorum conditio, quibus non ra- 
tio sed fortuna opitulabatur. 

CCIV 

EZPLORATIO AD HOMINEM TRISTEM OB PECUNIAM DEBITAM 

Deambulabat Perusinus quidam per vicum co- 
gitabundus ac moestus, quern cum obvius interro- 
gasset quid eum torqueret, atque ille respondis- 
set se pecuniam deberequam nequiret ei^solvere: 
— .« Vah, » inquit,.f stulte, relinque has cogita- 
» tiones creditori. » 



OF POGGIO 127 



CCV 

PENALTY INFLICTED UPON GREEK 
AND GENOESE MURDERERS 

Some Genoese of Pera, a Genoese district 
near Constantinople, went to town on busi- 
ness, and, in consequence of a fray with 
some Greeks, had part of their number killed, 
others wounded. Justice was demanded on 
the murderers, and the Emperor promised it 
should be promptly done; he then ordered 
that the Greeks, as a punishment for their 
offense, should have their beards shaven off, 
which is, by them, looked upon as an igno- 
minious penalty. The Genoese Magistrate, 
thinking he had been trifled with, promised 
the relatives of his countrymen that he would 

CCV 

DE PCENA IMPOSITA CRvEClS ET GENUENSIBUS HOMICIDIS 

Quidam Genuenses habitantes Perae (ea est 
Genuensium civitas prope Constantinopolim) 
cum, negotiandi causa, Constantinopolim diver- 
tissent, orta inter eos ac Graecos discordia, par- 
tim ex eis interfecti, partim vulnerati sunt. Cum 
peteretur ab Imperatore justitiam de homicidis 
fieri, ille prompte se id facturum pollicitus, bar- 
bam Grsecis, in poenam sceleris, radi jussit, quae 
mulcta apud eos ignominiosa habetur. Praetor 
Genuensium, qui erat Perae, se delusum putans, 



128 THE FACETIA 

himself avenge the outrage. Somewhat later, 
the Genoese entered Constantinople, and 
slew or wounded some Greeks. The Emperor 
immediatly lodged an energetic complaint 
with the Magistrate of Pera, and requested 
the punishment of the guilty parties. The 
Magistrate assured it should be an exemplary 
one, and, on the appointed day, had the 
murderers and their accomplices conveyed to 
the public square, as if their heads were going 
to be cut off. The news of the execution had 
brought together a crowd of Greeks and the 
whole population of Pera, in the expectation 
of the capital punishment ; priests were on 
the spot, with their crosses, as if to carry 
away the corpses. The Magistrate then, hav- 
ing prescribed silence through the public 
crier, ordered the backsides of all the culprits 

consanguineis Genuensium promisit ut ipsemet 
suas injurias ulcisceretur. Sumpto itaque tem- 
pore, Constantinopolim ingressi nonnuUosGrscos 
occiderunt ac vulneraverunt. Ingens querela sta- 
tim ad Praetorem Perae ab Imperatore defertur, 
pcenam maleficii postulante. Hie se puniturum 
maleficos libere asserens, die ad poenam prae- 
stituta, captos homicidas reliquosque in publi- 
cum produci jussit, tanquam illos capite mul- 
ctaturus. Convenerant ad famam rei tum Grsci 
permulti, tarn populus universus Perae, exspe- 
ctantes poenam; sacerdotesque aderant parati 
cum.crucibus, veluti elaturi cadavera mortuorum. 
Tum Praetor, silentio per praeconem facto, om* 



OF POGGIO 129 

to be shaved, saying that the Genoese wore 
their beards, not on their faces, but round 
their buttocks, and that, by this shaving of 
faces and bottoms, the same penalty had been 
applied to the same ofifenses. 



CCVI 

A JEST AT THE ROMANS WHO EAT C VIRTUES I 

On the first of May, the Romans cook and 
eat in the morning various kinds of veget- 
ables, which they call virtues. This custom 
was one day mentioned, among friends, in 
the presence of Francesco Lavegni, a Mila- 
nese. — « No wonder, » said he laughing- 
ly, « that the Romans should have dege- 
» nerated from their forefathers, since, every 

nibus maleficii reis culum radi fecit, asserens 
Genuenses barbam, non in facie, sed circa nates 
ferre. Ita rasura ,et faciei et culi squata maleficii 
poena est. 

CCVI 

FACETUH CONTRA ROMANOS QUI EDUNT C VIRTUTES » 

Calendis Maii, Romani varia leguminum ge- 
nera, quae virtutes appellant, simul coquunt mane 
eduntque. Franciscus Lavegnis, Mediolanensis, 
per jocum, cum is mos recitaretur inter socios : 
— c Nequaquam mirum est, i inquit, c Romanes 



l3o THE FACETIA 

» year, they destroy their virtues by eating 
9 them. » 

CCVII 

SOMEONE WHO VOWED A TAPER 
TO THE VIRGIN MARY 

During my stay in England, I was told an 
amusing sally of an Irishman, who was the 
Captain of a merchant-man. His ship was 
assailed at sea by a violent storm, and half 
shattered by the furious waves ; the crew gave 
themselves up for lost. The Captain made a 
vow that, if he escaped from shipwreck, he 
would offer up to the Virgin Mary, Mother of 
God, at a certain church noted for like mi- 
racles, a taper as high as his main mast. His 

I a superioribus degenerasse, cum singulis annis 
» eorum virtutes edendo absumant. » 

CCVII 

DE QUODAH QUI VOVIT CANDELAM VIRGINI MARIf 

Cum essem in Anglia, audivi facetum dictum 
cujusdam Magistri onerariae navis, qui erat 
Hibernicus. Jactabatur magnis in mari fluctibus 
navis, et tempestate quassabatur, adeo ut salu- 
tem omnes desperarent. Magister, si salva navis 
evaderet tempestatem, cuidam ecclesiae, Dei Geni- 
tricis Virginis Maris, quae ante ob similia mira- 
cula insignis erat, vovit candelam ceream, instar 



OF POGGIO l3l 

mate blamed him for the rashness of a vow so 
hard of fulfilment, since there was not, in 
the whole of England, enough wax to make 
such a taper with. — « Hold your peace, » 
replied the Captain^ « and let me promise the 
» Mother of God what I please, provided we 
» get out of danger. When once we are safe, 
» she will content herself with a penny 
» taper. » 

CCVIII 

ANOTHER JEST OF SOMEONE WHO MADE A VOW 
TO SAINT CYRIACUS 

A certain merchant of Ancona laughed in 
the same manner at Saint Cyriacus, the pa- 
tron of that city, where he is depicted with a 

mali navis. Turn socius cum votum culparet ut 
difficillimum factu, cum in tota Anglia tantum 
cerae non esse affirmaret ut talis candela posset 
confici : — c Oho ! tace, i inqUit Magister, « et 
» quantumlibet Matri Dei poUicear, dummodo 
» periculum evadamus, sine. Nam si salvabimur, 
» candela parvi nummuli contenta erit. » 

CCVIII 

FACSTUM ITEM DE ALIO QUI FEaX YOTUM 
8ANCTO CTRIACO 

In eamdem sententiam Anconitanus quidam 
mercator in Sanctum Cyriacum (quem civitas 
barba promissa depictum patronum colit), joca- 



l32 THE FACETIA 

long flowing beard. His ship being tossed 
about by a tremendous sea, he thought his life 
imperilled, and vowed that he would give a 
house to Saint Cyriacus within a certain 
time, which he declared. The limit being 
overstepped, he went to his parish church, 
and confessed what had taken place. The 
Priest, with an eye to his own interest, urged 
him to fulfil his vow. The merchant promis- 
ed to discharge his conscience of such a 
weight; frequent and sharp remontrances 
however did not prevail upon his dilatoriness. 
And, one day, whether he was annoyed at 
the Priest's importunate reminders, or intend- 
ed to make a show of impiety : — a Oh! 
enough, » he exclaimed, « don't bother me 
» any more about tl>at business; I have 
D gulled before this many a longer beard 
» than your Saint's. » 

tus est. Jactata magnis aliquando fluctibus navi, 
mortem veritus domum Cyriaco infra certum 
tempus se daturum vovit. Eo elapso, id Antistiti 
ecclesiae per confessionem fassus est. Sacerdos 
(utile enim id sibi futurum erat) ad exsolvendum 
votum hortatur. Ille se tanto onere exsoluturum 
poUicitus, cum saepius, et non absque reprehen- 
sione promissi nimium dilati, admoneretur, seu 
molestia Sacerdotis tarn frequenter monentis, seu 
impietate motus, semel interpellatus : — f Ohe ! 
» ne me amplius hac de re obtundas, » ait, c nam 
» majorem, quam qua Cyriacus est^ jam barbam 
» decepi. » 



OF POGGIO l33 

CCIX 

A WIDOW WHO WANTED TO MARRY AN ELDERLY MAN 

Said a Widow to her neighbour : « Although 
» the life of this world has no more interest 
» for me, yet I should like to marry a quiet, 
elderly man, rather for company's sake 
» and with a view to the better providing for 
B our common wants, than from any other 
» motive; for it is time I should think of the 
» salvation of my soul in preference to the 
9 gratification of the flesh. » The neighbour 
promised to find the desired husband : on the 
following day she came, and told the Widow 
she had discovered one endowed with all the 
requisite qualities, and especially with that 

CCIX 

MULIER VIDUA QU£ CUPIEBAT HABERE VIRUM 
PROVECTA JETATE 

Mulier Vidua cum diceret vicins^ se, licet jam 
de vita hujus saeculi non curaret, cupere tamen 
vinim quietum provecta aetate, societatis potius 
et communis vitae subsidii^ quam alterius rei 
causa, cum potius de salute animae quam corpo- 
ris lascivia esset cogitandum : ilia inventuram 
se ejusmodi virum pollicita, postridie ad Viduam 
redit, et se comperisse virum testatur, in quo 
omnes, quas cuperet, virtutes inessent, et ilium 
imprimis, quod ipsa optare videretur, mancum 

It ta 



l34 THE FACETIJE 

which her friend had seemed particularly 
anxious for, namely elOfete manhood. — a I 
» would never have him at any price, » ex- 
claimed the Widow; « for, lacking the Peace- 
» maker » (thus she described the Begetter 
of mankind) a and considering that a woman 
9 should live peaceably with her husband, 
» what Mediator could restore peace between 
B us in case of any serious quarrel or dis- 
» pute? » 

ccx 

A FRIAR WHO GOT AN ABBESS WITH CHILD 

The Abbess of a certain convent in Rome, 
whom I well knew, was wooed by a Minorite 
Friar, who frequently entreated her to let 

virilibus esse. Tum Vidua : — f Istum, » inquit, 
c ego virum nullo pacto voio. Nam si Facialis t 
(ita enimhominumappellavitGenitorem) c desit, 
» quis Mediator (pacifice enim cum viro viven- 
» dum est), si quando, ut fit, altercatio gravior 
» aut discordia invicem oriretur, constitueret 
i inter nos pacem ? » 

CCX 

DE QUODAM FRATRE ABBATISSAM IMPRJEGNANTE 

Abbatissam certi monasterii de Urbe, quam- 
novi, cum amaret Frater Ordinis Minonim, 
petiit saepius concubitum ejus. Id deneganti mu- 



OF POGGIO l35 

him sleep with her. She refused, from fear ot 
becoming pregnant and tiius incurring punish- 
ment. He then promised to give her a brevet^ 
as they say, which, tied round herneck with a 
silken ^thread, should ensure her against 
child-bearing, and thus allow her to have free 
intercourse with whomsoever she pleased. 
She easily believed what she at heart desired, 
and repeatedly gratified the Friar's lust. Three 
months later, she became aware that she was 
pregnant; as soon as the Friar had an inkling 
of the thing, he ran away. The Abbess, see- 
ing herself betrayed, untied the brevet, and 
opened it to see what was written in it. She 
read the following in dog Latin : Asca imba- 
rasca, non facias te supponi M non implebis 
tascam. An unimpeachable incantation against 
prolificacy. 

lieri, eo quod vereretur ne conciperet, et exinde 
poenam metuenti, pollicitus est Prater quoddam 
breve, ut appellant, se illi daturum, quod si ad 
coUum filo sericeo suspensum ferret, prohiberet 
prolem, ut eo modo secura coire cum quocumque 
vellet posset. Credidit ilia quod optabat : Prater 
mulierem saepius compressit. Post tres menses, 
mulier gravida comperta est. Id resciscens Prater 
aufugit. Abbatissa se delusam conspiciens, breve 
illud dissolvit, aperuitque, ut videret quid intus 
esset scriptum. Verba haec erant vulgaria : Asca 
imbarasca, non facias te supponi, et non implebis 
tascam. Optima ad prohibendam fecunditatem 
incantatio. 



l36 THE FACETIJB 



CCXI 

SURPRISING REPLY OP A CHILD 
TO CARDINAL ANGELOTTO 

Angelotto, a Roman Cardinal, of a sar- 
castic turn of mind and chiding disposition, 
was never short of words, but sometimes of 
discretion. He was one day visited, during 
Pope Eugene's stay in Florence, by a very 
clever child, ten years old, who addressed 
him a short, but neat compliment. Surprised _ 
at the child's earnestness and facility of ^ 
speech , Angelotto put to him several questions, « 
which were cleverly answered. Turning to ^ 
the assistants : « With those who, from child- — 
» hood, show so much wit and proficiency, » -^ 

CCXI 

CUJU8DAH PUERI MIRANDA RESP0N8I0 IN ANGELOTTUM 

CARDINALBM 

Angelotto, Cardinali Romano, homini mordac ==i 
et ad jurgandum prompto, verborum satis, pru — - 
dentiae parum erat. Ad eum, cum Pontifex Euge — =— - 
nius esset Florentiae, accessit visitandi grati=^^ 

puer decennis, admodum scitus, usus paucis vei ^- 

bis, oratione satis luculenta. Admiratus Angelo^^* 
tus pueri gravitatem suavitatemque dicendi, v^ < 
nonnulla percunctatus ad quae puer scite rti- ■ 
spondit, versus ad astantes : f Simili ingenio ^t 
i ita docti a pueritia, » inquit, c crescentibu.^ 



OF POGGIO iSy 

said the Cardinal, a intelligence decreases as 
» the years increase, and they come to be but 
» fools in their old age. — Why then, » im- 
mediately retorted the child, « you must 
» indeed have been most preeminent for 
* learning and wisdom in your tender years. » 
The Cardinal was dumfounded at the sudden 
and witty reply; he had got himself rebuk- 
ed for his stupidity by a mere infant. 

CCXU 

A COBBLER^S APPRENTICE WHO HAD TO DO 
WITH HIS master's WIFE 

The apprentice of a cobbler in Arezzo fre- 
quently returned to his master's residence, 
under pretence of finding there more con- 



» annis decrescunt intellectu, et stultiores pro- 
> vecta aetata evadunt. i Turn puer extemplo : — 
c Doctissimus ergo profecto sapientissimusque 
f prae caeteris vos in teneris annis esse debuistis. » 
Obstupuit subito faceteque responso Cardtnalis, 
stultitias ab illo reprehensus, quern ferme infan- 
tem videbat. 

CCXII 

DE DISCIPULO CERDONIS QUI SUBAGITABAT 
UXOREM MAGISTRI 

Aretii disci pulus cerdonis saepius domum re- 
dibat^ simulans se ibi commodius calceos auere. 

II 12. 



l38 THE FACETI^ 

venience for the stitching of shoes. The cob- 
bler's suspicions were aroused by such repeat- 
ed going to and fro, and, coming home one 
day unexpectedly, he caught the lad making 
himself quite intimate with the housewife. 
« That's a stitch, » he exclaimed, « for which 
» you shall have no money of mine, but 
shall have to pay me for. » 

CCXIII 

A JOLLY STORY OF A YOUNG WOMAN WHO FARTED 

A young married woman, on her way to 
her parents' house, went through a wood with 
her husband, and seeing rams that were leaping 
ewes, inquired why they chose them in pre- 

Orta ex frequent! recessu suspicione, cerdo 
domum cum ii^sperato redisset, discipulum suba- 
gitantem uxorem deprehendit, in quern conversus 
cerdo : f Pro istiusmodi sutura, i inquit, t ne- 
» dum pecunias dem tibi, sed habeto gratias 
» malas. » 

CCXIII 

FACETIA CUJUSDAM ADOLESCENTUL^ QU.E 
EMITTEBAT PETUM 

Nupta adolescentula ad parentes proficiscens, 
cum per sylvam iter cum viro faceret, conspectis 
nonnullis bvibus quas arietes subigebant, quae- 
sivit cur potius cum illis quam cum aliis coirent. 



OF POGGIO iSg 

Ference to others : — « Because, » answered 
her husband joking, « as soon as an ewe 
o farts, the ram leaps her. — And with men 
» is it the same? » she asked. — « Yes, » was 
the reply. She immediately let a fart, and the 
husband, taken at his word, had to pay the 
penalty of his joke. They had not proceeded 
much further, .but she farted again ; and he 
went through a second performance. The 
skirts of the wood were well nigh reached, 
vrhen the female, liking the fun of the game, 
gave a third fart . But he , fatigued by the 
-walk and by his two previous operations, 
exclaimed : « If you were to blow out your 
y> very soul, I should not stir again. » 



Vir,. jocando : — « Quae crepitum facit ovjs, » 
inquit, f statim comprimitur ab ariete. i Petiit 
ilia numquid et viris id moris esset. Cum vir 
annuisset, ilia statim crepitum edidit; vir joco 
suo deprehensus uxorem cognovit. Cum deinde 
paulumviaeprocessissent, iterum mulier pepedit. 
Vir denuo matrimonio usus est. Cum jam ad 
finem nemoris pervenissent, foemina, tali ludo 
gaudens, tertio petum emisit. Tunc vir , coeundo 
et ambulando fessus : c Non si cor cacares^ » ait, 
c te amplitis subagitarem. i 



140 THE FACETI^ 



CCXIV 

WHICH IS MORE ACCEPTABLE TO GOD, HE WHO SAYS, 

OR HE WHO DOES? ' 

A jolly blade of my acquaintance asked a 
Monk which was more acceptable to God, he 
who says or he who does? — « He who does,» 
replied the Friar. — « Well then, » retorted 
the wag, « the man who makes a chaplet is 
9 more deserving than he who says it. » 

ccxv 

AN EGYPTIAN WHO WAS INCITED TO CONVERT 

A Christian urged a heathen Elgyptiao, 
with whom he had been long connected and 



CCXIV 

QUID SIT ACCEPTIUS DEO, DICERE AUT FACERE? 

Facetus quidam notus meus petivit a Religioso, 
utrum esset Deo acceptius, dicer e aut facere ? Ille 
facere cum dixisset : — c Ergo, » ait alter, 
€ plus meretur qui facit Pater Noster, quam qui 
> dicit. » 

CCXV 

DE JEGYPTIO HORTATO AD FIDEH 

Hortatus est Christianus quemdam infidelem 



OF POGGIO 141 

who had come over to Italy, trying to per- 
suade him once at least to enter a church 
during the celebration of a solemn Mass. The 
Elgyptiau assented, and attended Mass with the 
faithful. Somewhat later, at a party, he was 
asked what he thought of the ceremonies and 
solemnity of the Service : — « It is all very 
» good and correct, » said he, a save one 
» thing : I utterly miss the observance of 
» charity at that Mass. There is only one 
» man who eats and drinks, where so many 
» are hungry, and he leaves them not a 
9 crumb of bread nor a drop of wine. » 



iEgyptium, quocum sibi diutina vitae consuetude 
fuerat, cum is in Italiam venisset, ut semei inte- 
resset in ecclesia, dum Missa solemnis celebra- 
retur. Assentitur ille, et Missse interfuit cum 
Christianis. Rogatus deinde in coetu, quid sibi de 
caerimoniis et solemnitate Officii videretur, re- 
spondit omnia recte et ex ordine praeter unum 
sibi videri facta; nullam enim caritatem in ea 
Missa esse servatam, cum unus solus, reliquis 
esurientibusy comedisset ac bibisset, nulla por- 
tione cibi ac potus reliquis impensa. 



144 'I'HE FACETIA 

number of legs than usual. He felt one, and 
asked. whose it was. — « Mine, » replied the 
Prelate. The querist felt a second leg, then 
a third, then a fourth, and the Archbishop 
kept saying they were his. When the simple- 
ton, rising precipitately, rushed to the 
window, and halloed out : o Come one, come 
» all, and witness a marvellous and novel 
» prodigy : our Archbishop has become a 
» quadruped! » Thus exposing his master's 
pranks. More foolish than fools are those who 
delight in fools' company. 



sivit, cujusnam is pes esset. Suum esse respondit 
Archiepiscopus. Cum alterum, deinde tertium, 
quartumque tetigisset, omnes Archiepiscopus 
respondit suos esse. Turn ille festinus surgens ad 
fenestram prodiit, magna voce exclamans : c Ac- 
» currite omnes ad videndum novum et insuetum 
» monstrum. Noster enim Archiepiscopus qua- 
» drupes factus est! » Ita patroni turpitudinem 
detexit. Insanior est certo fatuo, qui fatuis dele- 
ctatur. 



OF POGGIO 145 

CCXVIII 

POPE MARTIN JEERING A TROUBLESOlfE AMBASSADOR 

An Ambassador from the Duke of Milan was 
most urgently asking of Pope Martin V some- 
thing or other which he had decided not to con- 
cede. The Ambassador insisted with importu- 
nity, following the Pontiff even to his bed-room 
door. There the Pope resolved to rid himself 
of such obtrusion, and putting his hand to his 
cheek : « Oh ! » he exclaimed, « how my teeth 
» ache ! » and entered his apartment. 

CCXVIII 

PACETUM MARTINI PONTIFICIS <IN ORATOREH MOLESTUH 

Petebat a Pontifice Martino V. Orator Ducis 
Mediolani nescio quid instantius, quod ille con- 
cedere nolebat. Cum Orator importunius instaret, 
sequebatur petehdo Pontificem usque ad cubiculi 
fores. Tum ille ut se ea molestia eximeret, posita 
ad genas manu : c Ho! dentes summe doleo, » 
inquit, relictoque' Oratore cubiculuin ingressus 
est. 



II i3 



I4<> THE FACETIiE 

CCXIX 

A CONDEMNER OF CARDINAL AMGELOTTO's LIFE 

Someone was heaping obloquy on the life 
and morals of the deceased Cardinal Angelot- 
to, who had indeed been a rapacious, violent, 
and utterly unprincipled man. « I verily be- 
» lieve, » said one of the bystanders, « that 
» the Devil has already eaten and ejected 
» him many a time for his villany . » To which 
another wag replied : — « His flesh was so 
» unsavoury, that no Demon, however good 
» his stomach, would have dared to eat it, 
» for fear of vomiting. » 

CCXIX 

DB QUODAM QUI DAMNABAT VITAM CARDINALIS ANGELOTTl 

Damnabat quidam multis verbis vitam et mo- 
res Angelptti Cardinalis defuncti. Fuit enim ra- 
pax et violentus, ut cui nulla esset conscientia. 
Tum ex adstantibus unus: c Opinor, » inquit, 
c Diabolum jam vorasse et cacasse eum ssepius 
» ob scelera sua. » Alter, vir facetissimus : — 
c Adeo mala caro ejus fiiit, » inquit, c ut nullus 
» Daemon, quamtumvis bono stomacho^ illam 
» prse nausea comedere auderet. » 



OF POGGIO 147 

ccxx 

A JOKER WHO USED TO JEER A FLORENTINE KNIGHT 

There was formerly in Florence a Knight 
whom we knew, of very small stature, and 
with a rather long beard. A jester began to 
ridicule him, making him a laughing-stock, 
whenever they met, on account of his dimi- 
nutive size and long beard, and with such 
importunity that he became quite a bore. The 
Knight's wife took the thing to heart, and, 
having sent for the fellow, stuffed him out 
with a good meal and made him a present of 
a coat, with the request that he should no 
further molest her husband. He promised 
faithfully, and when, by chance, he fell in 

CCXX 

OE FATUO QUI MILITEM FLORENTINUM IRRIDEBAT 

Erat olim Florentiae Equestris ordinis vir no- 
bis notus, statura admodum parvus, et barba 
utebatur paulum prolixa. Quidam fatuus eum ir- 
ridere coepit, et in staturam ac barbam jocari, quo- 
ties in ipsum in via incidisset, adeo importune, 
aliquando ut molestus esset. Hoc Equitis sentiens 
uxor, fatuum ad se vocatum optimo cibo farsit, 
vestemque dedit, rogans ne amplius illuderet 
viro. Promisit iile, et cum ofFenderet aliquando 
hominem, tacitus praeteribat. Hoc admirati ad- 



148 THE FACETIiE 

with the Knight, went on his way without 
saying a word. People wondered, and incited 
him to speak, asking why he no longer prattl- 
ed as before. Putting his finger to his lips : 
— <K I have had my mouth crammed, » said 
he, <c and cannot speak in consequence. » 
Treating is therefore the best means of con- 
ciliating good will. 



CCXXI 



.»„ 



A WOMAN S PLEA WITH HER FATHER 
FOR BEING BARREN 

The wife of a certain Nobleman was, after 
a few years, rejected and repudiated by her 
husband, on account of her unfruitfulness. 
She came home to her fathter's house, who 
secretly reproached her for not having contriv- 



stantes ad loquendum irritabant: simul quaeren- 
tes cur nil, ut antea, loqueretur. Turn ille, digito 
ad OS posito : — t Obturavit, » inquit, c os meum, 
» ut amplius nequam loqui. 9 Optimus ergo ad 
conciliandam benevolentiam opifex est cibus. 

CCXXI 

EZCUSATIO STERILITATIS FILIiE AD PATREM 

Domini cujusdam uxor rejecta ac repudiata 
est a viro post annos aliquot ob sterilitatem. 
Cum in domum paternam rediisset, objurgavit 



OF POGGIO 149 

ed to get with child, were it by the instru- 
mentality of others than her rightful lord. — 
« Father, » she replied, « it is really no fault 
» of mine; for, I have tried erery man-servant, 
» even to the stable-boys, and all to no pur- 
» pose. » The father condoled the misfortune 
of his daughter, who was so free from blame 
for being barren. 

CCXXII 

GIOVANNI ANDREA TAKEN IN THE ACT OF ADULTERY 

Giovanni Andrea, the far-famed Bolognese 
Doctor, was taken by his wife in the very 
act of criminal intercourse with the maid- 
servant. The lady, stupefied at the unwonted 



cam secreto pater, quod non, et cum aliis, cre- 
andis liberis operam dedisset. Turn ilia : — c Mi 
9 pater, » inquit, c nulla hujus rei residet in me 
9 culpa : omnes enim famulos, etiam stabularios 
9 sum experta, an possem concipere, et nullius 
» usus profuit mihi. » Doluit filiae fortunam 
pater procul existentis a sterilitatis culpa. 

CCXXII 

JOHANNIS ANDREiE ADULTERIUM DEPREHENDITUR 

Joannem Andream, Doctorem Bononiensem, 
cujus fama admodum vulgata est, subagitantem 
ancillam domesticam uxor deprehendit. Re in- 

II i3. 



|5o THE FACETI-C 

scandal, turned to her husband : «t Where 
» now, Giovanni, » she asked, « where is that 
» precious wisdom ? — Here, in this hole, » 
was the cool reply, « and right comfortable 
» too. » 

CCXXIII 

A MINORITE FRIAR WHO MADE A CHILD'S NOSE 

A very witty Roman, with whom I was 
conversing at a party, told me a most amus- 
ing thing which had happened to a woman in 
his neighbourhood : « A Minorite Friar, Lo- 
renzo by name, had cast his eyes, » said he, 
« upon a handsome young woman, the wife 
of one of his neighbours » (whose name he 
mentioned to me). « To serve his own ends, 



sueta stupefacta mulier, in virum versa : c Ubi 
» nunc, » ait, c Joannes, est sapientia vestra ? » 
Ille nil amplius locutus : — < In vulva istius^ » 
respondit, c loco admodum sapientiae accommo- 
» dato. » 

CCXXIII 

DE FRATRE MINORUM QUI FECIT NASUM PUERO 

Romanus vir facetissimus, in coctu mihi confa- 
bulanti, retulit historiam risus plenam quae 
acciderat vicinae suae : f Fratcr, » inquit, c Ordi- 
nis Minonim, nomine Laurentius, oculos conje- 
cerat in adolescentulam formosam nuptam vi- 



OF POGGIO l5l 

he asked the husband to let him stand god- 
father to his first child. From constant obser- 
vation he guessed that the woman was preg- 
nant; he came to her, in her husband's pre- 
sence, and, as if he could see into the future, 
told her she was in the family way, and would 
give birth to a child that would be to her a 
source of great grief. The woman, suspecting 
he alluded to the birth of a girl : — « If even 
» a female, » she said, « she will be most wel- 
» come. » The Friar, with sad looks, assured 
her it was worse than that ; she requested to 
know all about it; but, the more she urged 
him, the more he declined to speak. At last, 
anxious to ascertain what calamity was in 
store for her, she sent for the Friar, unknown 
to her husband, and, by dint of entreaties, 
persuaded him to disclose to her the impend- 



cino 9 (et nomen retulit) c meo. Quaerens uherius 
progtedi, petivit a viro, ut primae prolis compa- 
ter.esset. Praesentiens Frater, qui omnia vestigia 
adolescentulae observabat, illam esse praegnan- 
tem, Yiro praesente, accessit ad mulierem, et 
tanquam futurorum divinator, dixit et gravidam 
illam esse, et parituram quod plurimum mcesti- 
tiseafferret. Mulier de focmina suspicans dictum : 
— € Etiam si foemella fuerit, » inquit, « erit 
» gratiftflima. » Aliud quid gravius moesto vultu 
Frater asseverans, scrupulum, quid esset, no- 
scendi injecit mulieri; sed quo instantius futura 
rogabat, ille constantius se dicturum negabat. 
Tandem sua mala noscendi cupida mulier, clam 



l52 * THE FACETIAE 

ing danger. After impressing upon her the 
necessity of secrecy, Lorenzo told her she 
would be delivered of a male, but that the child 
would be without any nose, a most shocking 
deformity in the human face. Dreadfully 
frightened, the poor woman enquired if there 
was no means of averting such a misfortune; 
he replied there was, but, that to apply it, it 
was necessary they should appoint a day 
v(rhen he could sleep with her, to make good 
her husband's deficiency and add a nose to 
the child. Although a hardship, she consent- 
ed, lest her infant should be deformed, and, 
on the appointed day, yielded to the Friar, 
who, under pretence of perfecting the nose, 
frequently renewed his visits. From a sense 
of shame, she moved not : and the Friar earn 
moveri jubebaty ut ex confricatione the nose 

viro, accersito Fratre, multis precibus impetravit, 
ut sibi, quid id monstri esset, referret. Ille silen- 
tio opus esse dictitans, tandem ait illam mascu- 
lum parituram et absque naso, quae est turpis- 
sima omnium in facie hominis nota. Exterrita 
adolescentula, et, numquid remedii adhiberi 
posset, petente, annuit ille, sed certa die opus 
esse, ut cum ea concumberet, et se suppleturum 
viri defectum, et puero additurum nasum. 
' Quamvis durum id foeminae videretur, tamen, ne 
infans informis nasceretur, praestituta die, se 
subdidit Fratri. Et, cum ille nondum nasum 
perfectum esse diceret, saepius cum muliere con- 
cubuit. Ilia, prae verecundia, cum staret immobilis, 



OF POGGIO l53 

should become more adherent. At last, as 
chance would have it, she was brought to bed 
of a boy with a most prominent nose, and, as 
she wondered at it, the Friar said it was owing 
to the excessive pains he had been at in the 
process of manufacture. She herself related 
the facts to her husband, convinced that it 
would have been most abominable for her 
child to be born without a nose ; he com- 
mended her for what had taken place, and 
nowise slighted his helpmate's workmanship. 

CCXXIV 

A FLORENTINE WHO WAS A GREAT LIAR 

There lived in Florence a man so addicted 
to lying, that never a word of truth escaped 

Frater moveri earn jubebat, ut ex confricatione 
magis nasus cohsereret. Tandem casu masculus 
ortus est, et naso admodum protento. Id admi- 
rante muliere, Frater nimiam naso perficiendo 
operam impensam dixit. Hoc ipsamet viro retu- 
lit, existimans rem infandam,filium absque naso 
deformatum nasci ; quod et maritus laudavit, et 
operam compatris non est aspernatus. » 

CCXXIV 

Dl MENbACISSlMO FLORENTINO 

Erat Florentiae quidam adeo mendaciis assue- 
tus, ut nunquam verum ex ore suo prodiret. 



l54 THE FACETIA 

his lips. A friend of his, whom he had repeat- 
edly deceived, met him one day, and as he 
was about to speak : « You lie, » said he. — 
c How could I, 9 retorted the other, « since 
» I have not yet said anything? — I mean, » 
replied his friend, « that you will lie as soon 
» as you speak. » 

CCXXV 

A JEALOUS MAN WHO EMASCULATED HIMSELF 
TO TEST HIS wife's HONESTY 

An inhabitant of Gobbio, named Giovanni, 
an exceedingly jealous man, racked his brains 
for a way of ascertaining, without the shadow 
of a doubt, whether his wife had an intimacy 
with any other man. By a deeply matured 
contrivance, well worthy of a jealous mind, he 

Unus quocum saepius consueverat, multisque fal- 
laciis usus erat, cum ei semel mendax obviam fie- 
ret, tamquam locuturus : c Mentiris, » inquit ille. 
— f Quomodo mentior, » ait, c qui nihil dixi? i 
Tum alter : — c Ego, si quid loqueris, aio. 9 

CCXXV 

ZELOTYPUS QUIDAH SE CASTRAVIT UT UZORIS 
PROBITATEH COGNOSCERET 

Quidam in civitate Eugubii admodum zeloty- 
pus, Joannes nomine, nesciebat quo maxime 
modo animadverteret, si uxor cum altero aliquo 
consuevisset. Excogitata calliditate zelotypis di- 



OF POGGIO l55 

emasculated himself with his own hands : 
«r Now, » he thought « if my wife becomes 
9 with child, she will not be able to deny her 
» adultery. » 

CCXXVI 

I 

A REPLY TO THE PRIEST'S WORDS AT THE OFFERTORY 

A Florentine Priest, during a solemn ser- 
vice, was receiving, as usual, the gifts of the 
faithful at the Offertory, and to each he 
addressed the customary words : « // shall be 
returned you a hundred-fold, and you shall 
enjoy life everlasting, » Hearing which, an 
old Nobleman, who was giving a silver coin, 
said : « I shall be well satisfied if I only get 
» back the capital, as they say. » 

gna se ipsum castravit, eo consilio ut, si uxor 
postmodum concepisset, in adulterio fuisse con- 
vinceretur. 

CCXXVI 

SACSRDOS OFFERENTIBUS QUID DICEN8 AUDIVERIT 

Cum quidam Sacerdos Castri Florentini, in 
Offertorio, quod die solemni ex consuetudine 
recipiebat a populo, illud de more diceret offeren- 
tibus: f Centum pro uno accipietis, et vitam after" 
> nam possidebitis, t unus senex Nobilig qui 
nummum dabat, auditis his verbis : c Satis dt- 
» cerem, » inquit, c si tantum capitate (ut vulgo 
» dicitur) redderetur mihi* » 



l56 THE FACETI^ 

CCXXVII 

A PRIEST, WHO, WHILST PREACHING , MADE A MIS- 
TAKE IN HIS NUMBERS y 
INSTEAD OF C THOUSAND 9 



TAKE IN HIS NUMBERS y AND SAID C HUNDRED I 



Another case of the same family. A Priest 
was expounding to his congregation the pas- 
sage of the Gospel wherein is recited that our 
Saviour fed five thousand people out of five 
loaves, and, by a slip of the tongue, instead 
of five thousand, said five hundred. His clerk, 
in a low whisper, called his attention to the 
mistake, reminding him that the Gospel 
mentioned five thousand : — « Hold your 
» peace, you fool, » said the Priest; « they 
» will find it hard enough to believe even the 
» number I said. » 



CCXXVII 

SACERDOS PR^DICAVIT ET IN NUMERO ERRAVIT, 
« CENTUM f PRO « MILLE n DICENS' 

In eadem sententia Sacerdos quidam, cum ex- 
poneret populo suo Evangelium, referens Salva- 
torem nostrum quinque panibus quinque miilia 
hominum saturasse, errore dixit pro quinque 
millibus quingentos. Tum clericus suus cum 
submurmurans dixisset eum in numero errasse, 
cum quinque miilia Evangelium referret : — 
€ Tace, » inquit, c stulte, nam vix numerum, 
» quem dixi, credent. » 



OF POGGIO l57 



CCXXVIII 

A SENSIBLE REPLY OF THE CARDINAL OF AVIGNON 
TO THE KING OF FRANCE 

I have thought fit to recall, among these 
anecdotes, a tart reply of the Cardinal of 
Avignon, a most sensible man. When resid- 
ing in Avignon, the Popes used to have, in 
advance of their retinue, a number of led 
horses, with gorgeous housings and trappings, 
to enhance the magnificence of their train. 
The King of France, one day, indignantly 
asked the Cardinal if the Apostles had ever 
resorted to such a display : — oc By no means, » 
replied the Eminence, « but the Apostles be- 
» longed to a time when Kings also lived 



CCXXVIII 

SAPIENS DICTUM CARDINALIS AVINIONKNSIS 
AD REGEM FRANOiE 

Visum est mihi in has confabulationes nostras 
conferre salsum dictum Cardinalis Avinionensis, 
vih prudentissimi, quem, cum Pontifices Avinione 
morarentur, cum equi plures, strati phalera- 
tique VACui sessoribus pro magnificentia prsei- 
rent, rogavit cum Rex Franciae indignabundus, 
numquid Apostoli ea pompa usi essent. Turn 
Cardinalis : — c Nequaquam, » respondit, c sed 
» Apostolos eo quoque fuisse tempore, » inquit, 

11 14 



l38 THE FACETIiE 

» Otherwise, being only sheplitttls and cow- 
» keepers. » 

CCXXIX 

A HORRXSLE THING WHICH TOOK PLACE 
Iff SAINT JOHN OF LATERAN 

Not indeed for the entertainment of my read- 
CTf , but with a view to deterring them from 
wickedness, I must relate a prodigious fact. A 
Roman Austin Friar was preaching to the faith- 
ful, in my presence, during Lent last, and, to 
incite them to confession, told them he had, six 
years before, witnessed the following miracle. 
He had got up, after midnight, to sing matins 
with his fellow-friars in the basilic of Lateran, 



» quo at Reges aliis moribus viverenty cum pa- 
» stores essent et armentorum custodes. i 



CCXXIX 

TERRIBILE FACTUM IN LATERANENSI ECCLESIA 

Non confabulandi , sad a sceleribus deterrendi 
gratia, res monstro similis refertur. Quidam 
Religiosus, ax Ordine Augustinensium, Romanus, 
dum verba haberet ad populum hac Quadragesi- 
ma, me adstante, hortareturque ad confessionem 
peccatorum, hoc miraculum sibi accidisse sex 
annis antea dixit. Cum noctu in basilica Latera- 
nensi cum aliis surrexisset post mediam noctem , 



OF POGGIO 1.59 

ivhen suddenly, from a tomb where a Roman 
citizen had been eigtheen days buried, arose 
a voice calling to them, and repeatedly , 
beseeching them to draw near. The Friafs 
were startled at first ; but, taking heart, went 
to the spot whence the voice proceeded : a Do 
» not fear, » said the corpse, a but go and 
». fetch the chalice, bring it here, and raise 
D the stone. » When this was done, the dead 
man arose, and spat into the chalice the con- 
secrated wafer that had been given him before 
death ; and then he said : « I am damned, 
» and endure the most excruciating torments, 
9 for that I had carnal knowledge of both 
» mother and daughter, and never confessed 
» myself thereof. » Having said which, the 
corpse lay down again. 



ad matutinas horas Deo canendas, ait vocem e 
sepulchro, quo antea 18 diebus quidam Romanus 
civis conditus fuerat, prodisse, saepius compel- 
lantem ut ad se adirent : illos ad primam vocem 
territos, tum paulum confirmato animo, quo vox 
trahebat, accessisse, ac subinde mortuum dixisse 
ne timerent, sed irent, calicemque afFerrent et 
lapidem submoverent. Quo facto , surrexisse 
mortuum ac hostiam sacratam, quam ante mor- 
tem sumpserat, in calicem spuisse : tum dixisse 
se damnatum ma^imis cruciari poenis, eo quod 
matrem filiamcjue cognoverat, quae sceiera nun- 
quam jfiiisset confessus : hie dictis cadaver recu- 
buisse. 



iJjf .V 



l6o THE FACETIiE 

ccxxx 

HOW WAS PUT TO CONFUSION A BAWLING PREACHE^*^ ^ 



A Friar, who frequently preached, wj 
given to screaming, as is the wont of fool^^ 
and a woman of the congregation wept at xh* -^ 
sound of his fierce exclamations. Having ^ 
frequently noticed her, the Friar was con — 
vinced that she was moved to tears by hi ^ 
eloquent appeals to the love of God and tc7 
the awakening of the conscience ; so he called 
her aside, inquired the motive of her groans, 
and asked her if his words worked upon her 
mind and called forth what he took for pious 
tears. The woman replied that she was pain- 

CCXXX 

PR£D1CAT0R MULTUM CLAMANS QUOMODO CONFUNDEBATUR 

Quum Religiosus ad populum praedicans sae- 
pius , ut stultorum mos est , magna voce clami- 
taret, quaedam ex astantibus foeminis ad excla- 
mantis veluti rugitum plorabat. Hac re saepius 
animadversa, Religiosus, existimans mulierem 
verbis suis, ex zelo Dei et conscientia, motam 
flere, ad se vocatam rogavit quae causa esset ge- 
mitus , et num verbis suis mentis spiritu agitata, 
lacrymas illas pias, ut putabat, effunderet. Ilia 
vero vocibus et clamoribus ejus impulsam se 
acriter animo commoveri et dolere respond! t : se 



OF P.OGGIO l6l 

fully disturbed and aggrieved by his shrieks 
and screams : « I am a widow, » said she, 
« and my departed husband had left me an 
» ass which helped me to get my living; the 
» poor beast used, nfght and day, to bray 
u just like you; now it has died, and I remain 
». forlorn and destitute. So, when I hear you 
» preach so loud, your voice reminds me of 
» my -poor ass, and I am fain to cry, whether 
» r will or. no. » Thus was put to confusion 
the foolish man, who might more correaly 
have been styled a barker than a preacher. 



enim viduam esse cui dim ^sellus a marito esset 
relictus, ex quo partem sui victus traheret; eum 
saepius, ut Religiosus ille consueverat, rugire die 
noctuque solitum : hunc defiinctum se miseram 
sine subsidio reliquisse. Itaque cum praedicantem 
ilium audiret magnis vocibus resonantem, similem 
ilium voce asino suo videri, cujus recordatione 
commota ad flendum, etiam invita, impelleretur. 
Stultus ille, latrator potius quam praedicator, sua 
stultitia confusus abiit. 



II 14. 



- _**■'■ ^-i-*..^^. 



l62 THE FACBTI^ 

CCXXXI 

A YOUNG WOMAN BALKED BY AN OLD HUSBAND 

An elderly Florentine had married a young 
woman, who, instructed by matrons to resist 
the first onset and not to surrender to one 
summons, declined the proferred conference. 
The husband had prepared for the cruise, 
and was carrying a press of sail ; surprised at 
the denial, he asked why she would not 
comply with his wish. The girl having alleged 
a head-ache, he disarmed, turned round, and 
slept till day-break. The young wife, seeing 
she was no further pressed, regretted that she 
had followed the advice given and repelled 
the advances made her; so she awoke her 

CCXXXI 

DB ADOLESCENTULA PER SENEM MARITtJH DELUSA 

Florentinus, jam senex, uxorem duxit adoles- 
centulam, quae a matronis edocta , ut prime in- 
sultu noctis obsisteret viro , neque primo praelio 
arcem traderet, renuit congressum. Vir, ad navi- 
gandum plenis ad id impensa opera velis paratus, 
ubi illam renitentem cognovit, quaesivit cur sibi 
non obsequeretur. Cum virgo dolorem capitis 
causata esset, vir, demissa virga, in aliud latus 
revolutus , usque ad diluculum dormivit. Puella 
sentiens se non amplius peti, dolensque consilium 
datum, et se postulanti non <^onsensisse, excitato 



OP POGGIO l63 

husband, and told him her head no longer 
ached : — « Very good, » he replied, « but now 
> I doleo caudam, » and he left her with her 
maidenhood. It is therefore but wise to take, 
when offered, a thing that is acceptable. 

CCXXXII 

A Minorite's breeches made relics of 

A very laughable thing, which deserves to 
be here recorded, took place at Amalia some 
time ago. A married woman, impelled, I 
have no doubt, by conscientious motives, 
confessed her sins to a Friar of the order of 
Minorites. Whilst words were being exchang- 
ed, the Friar was inflamed by carnal con- 

viro, dixit, se non amplius dolere caput. Turn 
ille : — f At ego nunc doleo caudam, » respondit, 
uxore virgine, ut erat, relicta. Sanum igitur con- 
silium est accipere rem proficuam, cum datur. 

CCXXXII 

DE RELIQUIIS BRACARUH CUJUSDAM MINORIS 

Res digna risu et "ut confabulationibus insera- 
tur nuper accidit Ameliae. Nupta mulier et mota, 
ut existimo, bene agendi conscientia, confitebatur 
peccata sua Religioso ex Ordine Minoruni. Hie, 
inter loquendum , exarsit in concupiscentiam 
carnis, et, tandem multis verbis muliere in to- 
luntatem suam traducta , quserebatur facultas et 



164 THE FACETIiE 

cupiscence, and, by degrees, induced the wo- 
man to comply with his wishes. They sought 
for convenient place and time, and it was 
agreed between them that she should pretend 
to be ill, and send for him as her Confessor; 
for it is usual to leave Confessors alone with 
their penitents, that they may freely converse 
with them about what concerns their souls. So 
she simulated sickness, took to her bed as if in 
great pain, and sent for her Confessor. As soon 
as he came, everyone withdrew, and he availed 
himself, several times of the privacy. As they 
had had a rather long interview, someone 
entered the room, and the Friar took, leave, 
saying he would come again the next day to 
hear out the confession. And so he did, laid 
his breeches on the woman's bed, and went 
through her sins by the same process as the 
day before. But the husband, wondering at 

locus rei conficiendae. Placuit ut mulier, seaegram 
fingens, hunc Fratrem pro Confessore ad se voca- 
ret : consuesse enim solos ejusmodi homines 
relinqui, ut, remotis arbitris, quae ad animam 
spectant libera sit loquendi facultas. Ilia, ficta 
aegritudine corporis, lectum ingreditur, dolorem 
pergrandem simulat, Confessorem accersit, quit 
ut ad eam venit, cum caeteri abissent, solus solam 
saepius cognovit. Cum diutius morarentur, inter-' 
ventu aliorum, Frater, veluti nbndum perfecta 
confessione, abiit, postridie reyersunis. Redit, 
mulieris supra lecticam bracis positls, priorique 
modo peccata examinat. Vir nonnihil suspicans 



OF POGGIO l63 

uch a lengthy confession, rushed into the 
oom ; terrified by the sudden irruption, the 
''riar took to his heels, leaving his breeches 
)ehind. The husband caught sight of them, 
nd vowed the runaway was no Friar but 
•nly a rake ; the whole household inspected 
he breeches and cried for vengeance. The 
Qjured man at once hied to the convent, com- 
tlained bitterly to the Prior of the indignity he 
lad suffered, and threatened to take the offen- 
.er^slife. The Prior, and old man, soothed his 
lassion, represented him that by making an 
lutcry he would only be bringing down shame 
ipon himself and his family, and argued that 
liscretion and reticence were necessary to 
insure secrecy. The husband rejoined that 
he finding of the breeches had already made 
he thing so public, that there was no concedi- 
ng it. The old man, however, took upon 

le tam longa confessionis mora, <:ubiculum in- 
rreditur. Ille, subito interventu perculsus, bra- 
as oblitus abiit. Maritus, bracis visis, exclamat 
idulterum, non Fratrem esse, totaque domus ad 
>racanim aspectum facipus indignum conclamat. 
Z vestigio Primarium conventus Fratrum vir 
ilamitans convenit, indignum factum queritur, 
nortem malefico minatur. Alter, qui senex erat, 
ram comprimit, asserens ilium in propriae fami- 
iae suumque dedecus exclamare; taciturnitate et 
"eticentia esse opus, ut contegeretur crimen. Hie 
ta rem palam esse, repertis bracis, ait, ut nequeat 
elari. Senex ad id remedium profitetur : asser- 



l66 THE FAGBTIA 

himself to settle that difficulty : he would say 
that the breeches were those of Saint 'Francis, 
which the Friar had taken with him to heal 
the woman, and would go, with great pomp, 
to fetch them away processionally and carry 
them back to the convent. The husband 
having assented^ the Prior called together all 
his Friars, and robed in his sacred vestments, 
with the cross borne before him, repaired to 
the house, devoutly took the breeches, carri- 
ed them, like holy relics, on a silken napkin, 
with uplifted hands, put them to the lips of 
the husband, the wife, the passers-by, brought 
them into the convent with full ceremony 
and singing of hymns, and laid them in the 
sanctuary with the other relics. The fraud was 
subsequently detected, and deputies from the 
town came to complain of it. 

turum se enim illas S. Francisci bracas esse^ 
quas Frater ad liberandam mulierem portavit : 
accessurumque eo cum processione et pompa, 
bracasque publice exinde reportaturum. Probato 
consilio, Primarius Fratres convocat, ac cum 
cruce vestibusque sacris domum illius accedit; 
bracasque devote capiens, et, tanquam reliquias 
religiosas, super peplum sericum suspensis ma- 
nibus ferens, turn viro, tum matri, tum reliquis 
obviis exosculandas porrexit, et magna cum cseri- 
monia et cantibus ad conventum deductas in 
sacrario cum cseteris reliquiis locavit. Detecto 
postmodum dolo, oratores ejus, urbis questum 
eam injuriam venerunt. 



OF POGGib 167 



CCXXXIII 

A f BREVET » AOAINST THE PLAGUE, TO BE CARRIED 

ROUND THE NECK 

Lately, having gone to Tivoli to see my 
children, whom I had sent away from Rome 
on account of the plague, I heard a laughable 
story, which is well worthy of figuring with 
these tales of ours. A few days before, one of 
those itinerant Friars, who go from village to 
village preaching to the countrypeople, pro- 
mised to give them what they call a brevet, 
which would ensure against the plague, then 
already foreseen, all such as should carry it 
round their neck. The foolish clodhoppers, 
believing in the pretended virtue of the 
article, bought brevets according to their 

CCXXXIII 

BE C BRBVI • CONTRA PE8TBM AD COLLUM SUSPENDBNDO 

Nuper, cum ivissem Tibur, cupidus videndi 
liberos, quos eo pestis causa ex Urbe miseram, 
audivi rem dignam risu et confabulationibus 
nostris. Paucis antea diebus , Prater quidam , ex 
his circulatoribus , in vicinis castellis ad rusticos 
prsdicans, pollicebatur (erat enim pestis suspicib) 
se daturum eis certum, ut aiunt, breve, quod ad 
collum qui gestarent, nunquam peste possent 
perire. Stulta plebecula, hac spe commota, pretio 
quo poterant brevia redimentes, ad collum filo 
virgineo suspendebant. Edixerat autem Prater, 



l68 THE FACETIiE 

means, and tied them round their necks with 
maiden thread. The Friar, however^ had 
declared that none was to be opened till after 
a fortnight ; by any transgression of this re- 
commendation their efficiency woud be lost. 
Having collected a good round sum, he went 
away. But, so great is human curiosity, that 
the brevets were read shortly after; on them 
was written in Italian : 

Donna, sefili, e cadeti lofuso, 
Quando tefletti, tien lo culo chiuso. 

Which means : 

Woman, if you spin and let fait your distaff, 
When you stoop, keep your bottom tight. 

That beats all medical prescriptions and 
remedies. 



ne quis breve ante diem decimum quintum rese- 
raret; id si fecissent, virtutem amissurum. Multis 
contractis nummis, Frater recessit. Brevia post- 
modum lecta sunt, ut est cupiditas hominum 
nova cognoscendi; in eis vulgaribus verbis scri- 
ptum erat : 

Donna, sefili^ e cadeti lofuso, 
Quando tefletti, tien lo culo chiuso. 

Haec sunt Latine : 

Mulier, sifilas^ et cadit tibi fusus, 
Quando te flectis, tene culum clausum. 

Hoc omnium Medicorum prsecepta exsuperat et 
medelas. 



OF POGGIO 169 



CCXXXIV 

RDINAL ANGELOTTO'S MOUTH WHICH WAS OPENED 
AND SHOULD RATHER HAVE BEEN KEPT CLOSED 

Angelotto the Roman was a very loqua- 
3US and slanderous man, who spared no- 
•dy. When, through unfortunate circum- 
inces, not to say by the folly of men, he 
IS made a Cardinal, he remained silent for 
tne time in the secret consistory, according 
custom ; for it is the rule that newly pro- 
oted Cardinals should not speak until the 
>pe gives them leave so to do. Cardinal 
into-Marcello was asked one day what had 
jen going on in the Consistory : — « We 
have opened Angelotto's mouth, » said he. 

CCXXXIV 

ANGELOTTI CARDINALIS OS POTIUS CLAUDENDUBf 

APERIEBATUR 

Angelottus Romanus, admodum loquax et ma- 
dicus, nemini parcens erat. Cum culpa tem- 
>ris, ne dicam stultitia hominum, Cardinalis 
ctus asset, aliquandiu, ut moris est^ in secreto 
»nsistorio Cardinalium tacuit : vulgo enim 
ausum OS tenere novos Cardinales aiunt, donee 
Dntificis permissu loquantur. Cardinalis Sancti 
arcelli certo die, cum ab eo quis petisset quid- 
am in consistono egissent : — f Os, » inquit, 
aperuimus Angelotto. » Turn ego : — t Satius, » 

II i3 



170 THE FACETI£ 

— « Oh! » I exclaimed, « it would have been 
» far better to shut it up vfilh a good pad- 
» lock. » 

ccxxxv 

RIDOLFO*S WAY OF SUPPLYING AN EXQUISITE HORSE 

HE WAS ASKED FOR 

Ridolfo of Camerino, whom we have pre- 
viously mentioned, was asked for a horse by 
a Picentine Nobleman, who wanted it so 
handsome, so perfect in every respect, that it 
was utterly impossible for the Prince to find 
such marvel in his stud. In order to meet 
the indiscreet application, Ridolfo picked out 
a mare and a stallion which he forwarded 
with a message, saying that he sent the Noble- 

inquam, t consultiusque fuisset iili os sera vfl' 
9 lida occlusisse. » 

CCXXXV 

EQUUM EZQUtSITUM PRJESTAVIT REDOLPHUS BE PETENTI 

t 

Ab Redolpho Camerinensi^ cujus supra mein|' 
nimus, quidam Nobiiis ex Piceno dono petivit 
equum, cui tot conditiones ad pulchritudinem 
virtu temque adjecit, ut nullo pacto talis equus 
inter sua armenta reperiri posset. Turn R^ol- 
phus, quo illius voluntati satisfieret, equam ^^ 
stallonem (ut vulgo aiunt) ex suis elegit, atqu^ 
ad ilium destinavit : inquiens se ei instrumeota 



OF POGGIO 171 

man wherewhith to get a horse made accord- 
ing to his wishes, not having been able to 
find out one that combined all qualities 
required. A warning not to make demands 
which either are difficult to comply with, or 
can be civilly refused. 

CCXXXVI 

A QUARREL BETWEEN WOMEN, WHICH ELICITED 
A MOST AMUSING SALLY 

A woman we knew in Rome, and who made 
a living by her body, had a handsome, grown 
up daughter, whom she had devoted to Venus. 
She o;ice fell out with a neighbour who plied 
the same trade as herself; it came to high 
words and to abusive language. The neigh- 

mitterCy quibus equum suopte modo conficeret, 
cum nullus ejusmodi prout postulasset inter suos 
reperiretur. Haec verba monent, ne adeoexquisita 
petamus, ut, aut difficilia sint, aut negentur ho- 
Dcste. 

CCXXXVI 

CONTENTIO MULIERUM EXTORSIT DICTUM RISU PERDIGNUM 

Qusdam in Urbe ( quam novimus) mulier 
:orporis questu vitam ducens, habebat filiam 
zrandiorem natu, admodum puichram, quam 
Veneri dedicaverat. Orta inter ipsam aliquando 
et vicinam suam ejusdem professionis conten- 



172 THE TACETIM 

bour, relying on some protection in influen- 
tial quarters, launched threats at both mother 
and daughter. The mother, however, laying 
her hand on the upper part of the girl's thighs, 
exclaimed ; a May God but save and preserve 
9 this for me,, and then I can well afford to 
» scorn your abuse and your threats. » A very 
clever retort, showing her trust in a most effi- 
cient patronage that many delighted in. 

CCXXXVII 

A PRIEST FRUSTATING A LAYMAN WHO WANTED 
TO CATCH HIM AT FAULT 

A Priest was lying, at noon-day, with the 
wife of a rustic, who had hidden himself under 
the bed in order to take him in the fact. The 



tione, ad jurgia et verborum contumelias perve- 
nerunt. Cum vicina, quorumdam majorum auxi- 
lio confisa, matri et filiae acriter minaretur, tunc 
ilia, tacto filiae desuper femore : c Hoc mihi salvet 
1 et custodiat Deus, » inquit, c quam tuta omnia 
» tua verba et minas contemno. » Optime quidem 
respondit; nam egregid patrocinio, et quo multi 
delectabantur, fidebat. 

CCXXXVII 

SACERDOS LAICUH DELUSIT SE. CAPERE VOLENTCM 

Sacerdos quidam meridie cum uxore rustici 
jacebat in lecto^ sub quo latebat rusticus, ut Sa- 



OF POGGIO 173 

Priest, from excessive labour may be, fell into 
a sort of trance, and, unaware of the hus- 
band's presence under the couch, exclaimed : 
« Oh ! I feel as if the whole universe were 
» before my eyes. » The rustic, who had lost 
his ass the day before, forgot all about the 
injure he had sustained : « Holloa! » quoth 
he, « just look, please, if you happen to see 
» my donkey any where. » 

CCXXXVIII 

A MARVELLOUS ADVENTURE WHICH BEPEL AN ENGLISH 
FULLER WITH HIS WIFE 

During my stay in England, a fuller met 
with a laughable adventure which should not 
be excluded from these tales. A married man, 



cerdotem deprehenderet. Cum Sacerdos labore 
forsan nimio in quamdam levem vertiginem in- 
cidissety nescius virum sub lecto absconditum : 
c Ho ! totum orbem terrarum mihi videor con- 
I spicere, > inquit. Turn rusticus, qui pridie asi- 
num perdiderat, injuriarum oblitus : — c Ho! 
I respice, quseso, > ait, c an sicubi asinum meum 
I forsan videas. > 

CCXXXVIII 

FULLONI IK ANGLIA ACCIDIT RES MIRANDA CUM UXORE 

Cum essem in Anglia, fuUoni res ridenda, et 
baud rejicienda a nostris confabulationibus, con- 

II i5. 



174 THE FACETI^ 

he had in his house many young men and 
maid-servants, and, among the latter, cast his 
views upon one, the prettiest and comeliest to 
his taste. Having been the object of repeated 
and urgent demands on his part, she related 
all to her mistress, by whose advice she 
assented to a private interview. On the ap- 
pointed day, and at the time agreed upon, in 
a remote and dark place, the lady concealed 
herself in stead of her servant. The man came 
and went through his business, little suspect- 
ing he was dealing with his wife. He then left 
the room, related his feat to one of his young 
men, and urged him to go and do likewise. The 
youth acted up to the advice, and the lady, tak- 
ing him to be her husbajid, made no objection. 
The fuller again sent in another young man, 
and the lady quite unsuspectingly submitted 



tigit. Is cum uxorem haberet, multosque pr*- 
terea in familia juvenes atque ancillas, injecit 
animum in unam earum, quae pulchrior atque 
venustior videbatur. Cum cam super coitu requi- 
sivisset saepius, ilia rem detulit ad matronatn* 
Ejus consilio assentitur patrono. Praestituta die 
atque hora^ in locum secretum ac subobscuruni} 
matrona latuit pro ancilla. Accessit vir, mulie- 
remque cognovit, nesciens uxorem esse. Peracto 
opere, exiens a conclavi, quid egisset narravituni 
ex junioribus, eumque hortatus estut etiam ipse 
ancillam, prout credebat, subagitaret. Accessit 
ille, quern mulier pro viro accepit, nihil locuta. 
Cum post eum et item alter a viro missus esset, 



OF POGGIO 175 

third onslaught; she thought all the 
t was her husband, and the youths 
^d she was the maid. She contrived to 
:he place unperceived, and, during the 
rebuked her husband, so cool towards 
', for being in such love with a servant 
lave gratified his wife three consecutive 
in the belief that he was caressing the 
The husband kept to himself his mis- 
id his wife's offence, which he himself 
ought about. 

CCXXXIX 

J8CAN CONFESSION WHICH BECAME AT LAST 
A CANDID ONE 

an, who had criminally assaulted his 
came to Rome to confess his guilt, and 



existimans maritum esse, tertium con- 
n passa est : et ipsa virum, et illi ancillam 
inati. Digressa occulte postmodum a loco 

noctu maritum redarguebat, qui in se 
missus, et in ancillam adeo libidinosus, 
die ter se pro ancilla cognovisset. Dissi- 
: vir errorem suum, et uxoris, cujus ipse 
iisset, peccatum. 

CCXXXIX 

CONFESSIO TUSCA, ET POSTEA BRUSCA 

im, qui sororis pudicitise non pepercerat, 



176 THE FACETI^ 

sought for a Confessor who should be aTu^"* 
can. He went to one he was told of, and, fir^^^ 
of all, asked if he could speak Tuscan. Bein ^ 
answered in the affirmative, he confesse ^^ 
various sins, and then acknowledged thaC^^^ 
finding himself one day alone with his siste^=:^^ 
in the same room, he had bent, his bow an«^ -^ 
shot an arrow at her : — « What a dreadfu^c:^^ 
» crime ! » quoth the Confessor, « and di*^^--*J^ 
» you kill your sister? — Not at all, » repIi-J 
ed the penitent, « but you don't understand 
» Tuscan. — Yes, I do, » rejoined the Priest 
« for I am a native of Tuscany. Did you n( 
» tell me that, your bow being bent, an arro^ 
» had struck your sister ? — That is not whi 
» I want to convey, » said the man; « I sa7 
» that I bent my bow, laid an arrow and sencr^J^^ 
» it at my sister. — Did you wound her, in -^tin 




Romam accessit, criminis confitendi causa, 
fessofcm quaerens, qui Tuscus esset. Ostenso h 
mine, accessit, primum petens an Tusce loq 
nosset. Annuente illo, inter caet&ra delicta dixi' 
se, cum esset in cubiculo solus cum sorore, ten 
balista sagittasse illam. Turn Confessor : c 
I scelus! » inquitj^ c numquid sororem occidist 
» — Minime, > respondit ille, c sed tu non inte 
» ligis sermonem Tuscum. — Novi satis, i alt 
ait, c cum sim ibi genitus; nempe dixisti, ten 
» te balista sagittasse sororem. — Non, » ait ill 
c ita intelligo, sed dico me tetendisse balistam, 
I imposuisse sagittam, et in sororem misisse. 
I Num tu vulnerasti earn, i inquit, c aut facienrm^ 





OF POGGIO 177 

face or anywhere else? » enquired the 
*ssor. — « Oh! » replied the hypocrite, 
1 really cannot speak Tuscan. — I per- 
tly understand what you say, » reiterated 
*riest, « it is you perhaps who cannot 
ak it. — I do not say I wounded my sister, » 
ed the penitent, « but that I let fly an 
DW after bending my bow. » The Con- 
• pretended not to know what was meant, 
he man kept repeating that the Priest 
ot understand Tuscan, and talking of his 
md arrow : — « If you do not make use 
>ther expressions, » said at length the 
t, et I shall never know what you mean. » 

culprit, after fencing for a long time 
gh shame, at last said, in so many words, 
le had ravished his sister : — « Now, in- 
1, you speak Tuscan to a Tuscan, » replied 



aliquod membrum laesisti? — Oh! i re- 
it ille, c nescis sane loqui Tusce. i Atqui 
— f Verba quae dicis novi, sed cave ne tu 
li Tusce ignores. — Non dico, » inquit, c me 
rem vulnerasse, sed sagittam tensa balista 
iisse. » Cum Confessor dissimularet se 
ire quae dicerentur, ille vero iteraret Con- 
em non intelligere Tuscam linguam, repe- 
)alistae et sagittae casum : — c Nisi aliis 
is utaris, > ait Sacerdos, c .quid sentias 
ro. I Turn alter, cum diu pudore tergiver- 
esset, tandem vulgaribus verbis dixit aperte 
m suam se compressisse. Hie alter : — 
c tu loqueris Tusce apud Tuscum, » in- 



178 THE FACETliC 

the Confessor, « I perfectly understand you, «. -a, 
and having prescribed a penance, he witM'-n^^l: 
drew. Such bashfulness in words does nm .crzic 
tally with immoral and criminal deeds. 

CCXL 

A BATTLE BETWEEN MAGPIES AND JAYS 

In the month of April of the prese^^^en 
year 145 1, a marvellous thing took place ^ 01 
the confines of France and of the counter" -tr} 
which is now known by the name of B: ^Bri- 
tanny. Magpies and jays, after forming in 

battle array on high, uttered shrill scre anrrjn s, 
and fought desperately all day long. T I3rhe 
jays had the best of the contest ; two thousa^^^nd 

quit, c te plane intelligo, » et imposita err( -oris 

poenitentia recessit. Mali animi est pudoi=='eni 
verbis ostendere, cum opere impudicus fueri^^as ac 
scelestus. 

CCXL 

DE PR£LI0 PICARUM ET GRACULARUM 

Hoc anno niillesimo quadringentesimo q«xi/i- 
quagesimo primo, mense Aprili, res monstro s/- 
milis accidit in confinibus Galliae, et ejus <iuas 
nunc dicitur Britannia. Picae et graculae tives, 
aciebus instructis in acre, immenso clangore, per 
universum diemacriter pugnarunt. Victoria penes 
graculas stetit : exeis ad duo, ex picis ad quatuor 



or poGGio 179 

of them, and four thousand magpies were 
found dead on the ground. Time will show 
the import of that prodigy. 



CCXLI 

A GOOD JOKE OF FRANCESCO ABOUT THE CHILDREN 

OF GENOESE 

Francesco Quartense, a Florentine mer- 
chant, resided in Genoa with his wife and 
family. His children were thin and lank, 
whilst those of the Genoese are generally 
hale and hardy. He was asked one day why 
his children were so spare and of such a 
weak constitution, it being the reverse with 
the young Genoese : — « The reason is easily 
» given, » said he. « I work alone at 

millia, in terra mortuae sunt repertse. Quid id 
prodigium ferat tempus ostendet. 

CCXLI 

PACETUM DICTUM FRANCISCI GENUENSIUM FILIIS 

Fran^iscus Quartensis , mercator Florenti- 
nus^ morabatur Genuae cum uxore et familia, 
Filii sui macilenti erant et graciles corpora, Ge- 
nuensium autem filii habitiores sunt et robus- 
tiores. Petivit quidam ex els ab Francisco, cur 
filii ejus ita tenues essent, et natura imbecilles, 
Genuensium vero non ita. Turn ille : — c Causa 
f est , I inquit^ c in promptu. Ego enim solus 



( 



l8o THE FACETIiE 

9 manufacturing my children, but you have 
9 quite a number of assistants in the making 
» of yours. » It is a fact that, soon after their 
wedding, the Genoese take again to the sea, 
and leave their wives, for many years in 
succession, to the care of other men, as 
they say. 

CCXLII 

A SIGNIFICANT, BUT COARSE, GESTURE 
OF A FLORENTINE 

The following was one day related to me, ^ 
in company, by a friend of mine : A Floren- — 
tine of his acquaintance had a handsomer 
wife who was courted by a crowd of admirers.-i» ^ 
Some of these frequently serenaded her, as^ 
they say, with the customary lighted torches^ - 

» filios meos creo : vobis vero ad filios pr 
I creandos multorum subsidia opitulantur. 
Genuenses quippe, sumpta uxore, paulo post na 
vigant, uxores desolatas viris aliorum prsesi— 
dio, ut aiunt, annis pluribus relinquentes. 

CCXLII 

DE FACTO CUJUSDAM FLORENTINI JUSTO, BED BRUTO 

Retulit in ccetu hominum mihi familiaris, Flo- 
rentinum quemdam, quem nosset , uxorem for- 
mosam habuisse, quam multi proci sequerentur. 
Ex eis quidam serenatas (ut aiunt) cum saepius 




OF POGGIO l8l 

Street opposite her house. One night, 
husband, a most jolly fellow, aroused 
f^^^^^rxi his sleep by the sound of trumpets, 
3^5" *^^*^ ped out of bed, came to the window with 
"--■-^ "wife, and seeing the noisy and frolicsome 
^^^^mblage, requested them, with a loud 
^^^^i<:ic, to look up in his direction. All eyes 
J'^'"^ ^«^^ instantly turned towards him, when he 
f^J*-^^ hold of a most respectably sized tool of 
^^ ^ and exhibited it erect out of the window : 
r^ <* You are taking pains to no purpose, » said 

^^ > « for, as you see, I am better provided 
^^^'"ith the means of satisfying my wife than 
u can be yourselves. I therefore advise 
u to spare me a repetition of this 
xinoyance. » This amusing sally put a stop 
^ny further pursuit. 



» 

t. 



tu, accensis cereis, ut moris est, in via prope 

um facerent, vir admodum facetus, semel 

^nim cantu excitatus, cu-m surexisset de lecto, 

-^ ^^nestram cum uxore accessit , conspectaque 

^^^^^Xultuantium et lascivientium turba, magna 

^^^^ astantes rogavit, ut ad se paulum respice- 

^"*^t. Cum oculos omnes ad cam vocem sustulis- 

^"^Xt, ille, exerto, et extra fenestramporrecto, cu- 

\^^ erat copiosus, Priapo, inanem laborem et 

^^Utilem sumere illos ait, cum viderent se ha- 

^^Te unde, etiam uberius quam ipsi possent, 

^Xori satisfaceret ; itaque consulereuthuic eorum 

molestiae parcerent non profuturae. Quo perfacete 

dicto, ab superflua cura destiterunt. 



tt t6 



iS? THE FACETIiG 



CCXLIII 

AMUSING. APPLICATION OP AN IMPOTENT 
OLD MAN 

A friend told us another similar story o^ ^ 
Florentine, a neighbour of his, who, oi 
mature age, had married a young wif^* 
Ricardo degli Alberti, a handsome young 
nobleman, soon fell in love with her, ari<li 
like the others, frequently roused the husband 
from his slumbers by the noise of instruments 
and singers mustered at night in the street. 
The would be sleeper at last went to Bene- 
detto, Ricardo's father, reminded him of their 
previous intimacy, of their mutual good 
offices, and, after a lengthy preface, bitterly 

CCXLIII 

FACETA PETITIO SENIS LABOREM COPULJE 
NON POTENTIS 

Adjecit et alter similem fabellam Florentini 
quoque vicini sui, qui, cum esset state matura, 
uxorem duxerat juvenem. Hanc amare ccepit Ri- 
cardus de Albertis, adolescens nobilis ac pulcher, 
qui similiter sono et cantu perstrepentibus in via 
plurimis, noctu hominem a somno saepius exci- 
tabat. At is demum ad Benedictum adolescentis 
patrem profectus, narrata priori eorum consue- 
tudine, et mutuis officiis, post longam querelani) 
graviter questus est se nihil commeruisse, cur 



OF POGGIO l83 

'Sued that he had not done anything to 
-Serve death at the young man's hands. The 
ther, amazed and quite upset by the com- 
vinication, vowed that he would take good 
i^fe to prevent such a crime, and asked for 
cietailed narrative, which should enable him 
put his son under closer restraint : — « Well,» 
plied the complainant, « your son is 
A^iolently in love with my wife, and is 
continually startling us both in the night 
hy the row he makes with his flutes and 
other instruments; so that, when awake, I 
am induced to ply my wife oftener than 
my strength warrants, to avoid her co- 
veting other embraces. As the thing is of 
frequent recurrence, I feel I am not ade- 
quate to the task; and, if your son does 
not desist from his enterprise, such sleep- 
less nights will surely bring nie to my 
grave. » The father ordered his son to 

us filius se vellet occidere. Ad hasc pater stu- 
ins, idque aegro animo ferens , respondit se id 
cinus prohibiturum, et simul rem sibi narrari 
)stulat , quo filium posset acrius compescere. 
um alter : — t Uxorem meam, » inquit, t de- 
perit filius tuus, saepiusque suis tibiis et sonitu, 
me et uxorem noctu dormientes suscitat , quo 
fit ut vigilans, ultra quam vires feratit, uxo- 
rem, ne alium appetat, coner subagitare. Quod 
cum saepius accidat. jam defidunt ad id opus 
vires. Ita ni tuus filius ab inceptodesistat, jam* 
jam tali vigilia peream necesse est.* Quo jod 



184 THE FAGETIJE 

give up the joke, and quiet was restored to 
die old man. 



CCXLIV 

WITTY SAYING OF A WHORE ABOUT THE VENETIANS 

During my stay at the baths of Petriolo, I 
was told by a well informed man an amusing 
saying of a whore, which is not unworthy of 
being recorded in the company of our other 
tales : There was in Venice, said he, a 
common prostitute who was visited by men 
belonging to every clime; somebody asked 
her, one day, which nation she thought was 
provided majori membro virili. — « The 
» Venetians, » was her unhesitating reply. 
And she stated, as follows, the motive of her 

genere Ricardus, patris monitu, baud amplius 
illi molestus fuit. 

CCXLIV 

FACETUM DICTUM MBRETRICIS ADJOCANS VENETIS 

Cumessemin balneis Petriolanis, audivi a quo- 
dam erudito viro dictum meretricis facetum sane 
et baud indignum reliquarum confabulationum 
nostrarum societate. Scortum erat, ait, Venetiis 
vulgare, ad quod cum diversarum gentium viri ac- 
cederent, quaesivit ab eo aliquando quispiam, qus 
«ibi hominum natio majori membro virili esse vi- 
deretur. Mulier e vestigio Venetos respondit. Cum 



OF POGGIO l85 

opinion : « Theirs is of such a length, » she 
said, « that although frequently away in 
» distant parts, even beyond the seas, they 
» yet cultivate their wives and get them with 
» child. » Thus cracking a joke at the wives 
of Venetians, who are left to the care of 
others by their husbands while on their 
travels. 

CCXLV 

A GOOD JOKE OF AN IGNORANT MAN WHO PUT DOCTORS 
OUT OF COUNTENANCE 

Several Clerks were discoursing the age 
and labours of Our Saviour, and his having 
begun to preach when he was past thirty. An 
illiterate man, who was with them, asked 
which was the first thing of all which Jesus 

causa postularetur : — t Quoniam, » inquit, t tain 
» longo sunt Priapo, ut cum saepius in remotissi- 
I mis et ultra mare sitis provinciis versentur, 
I tamen cum uxoribus coeant et procreentfilios.i 
Jocata est in illorum uxores, quas viri provecti 
peregre relinquunt aliorum curse. 

CCXLV 

FACETUM DICTUM INDOCTI DOCTIORES CONFUNDENS 

Cum plures Religiosi de aetate et operibus Sal- 
vatoris Nostri, et quomodo post trigesimum an- 
num praedicare ccepisset, coUoquerentur, quidam 

II i6. 



l86 THE FACETIiE 

had done, as soon as he had reached the end 
of his thirtieth year. Some of the Clerks 
were staggered, some gave various opinions : 
— « With all your learning, » quoth the 
man, <c you are ignorant of a fact which is 
» easily ascertained. — Well, what was it he 
» did first ? » enquired the Clerks. — « Why, 
» he began by entering upon his thirty-first 
» year, » was the' reply. Every body laughed, 
and the sally was found witty. 

CCXLVI 

SMART REBUKE OF A MERCHANT WHO CHARGED 
OTHERS WITH INSANITY 

Carlo Gerio, a Florentine merchant, one 
of those bankers who follow the Roman 

rudis litterarum astans, quaesivit ab eis, quid 
primum Jesus fecisset, postquam trigesimum 
annum excess! t. Cum aliihaesitarent, alii varia sen- 
tirent ; — « Nescitis, » inquit ille , « cum vestra,, 
» doctrina, rem cognitu facilem. » Petentibuss. 
illis quid primum egisset : — « Trigesimuni pri— 
J mum annum ingressus est,» ait. Omnes, oborto 
risu, facetum hominis dictum commendarunt. 

CCXLVI 

SALSUM HOMINIS DICTUM CONTRA MERCATOREM ALIOS 

ACCUSANTEM 

Carolus Gerii, mercator Florentinus, ex his men- 



OF POGGIO 187 

had been to Avignon, as usually do 
who trade in various districts. On his 

to Rome he was asked, at a friendly 
linment, about the doings and mode of 

of the Florentines who were staying 
gnon, and replied that they were all 

and full of fun, adding that one year's 
a. the place was enough to make any 
ad. Aldighiero, one of the guests, who 
ry fond of a joke, asked him how long 
I stayed there himself, and, being told 
nths only : — « Well, you have indeed 
'^ed yourself quick and sharp, » said he, 
e you have achieved in six months time 
t it takes others a whole year to 
in. » We all « laughed at the smart 
ec. 



]ui Romanam Curiam sequuntur, accessit 
nem, prout moris est mercatorum, qui in 
s provinciis negotiantur. Romam deinde 
IS, in convivio domesticorum, cum quaere- 
b CO inter loquendum de vita et moribus 
tinorum qui Avinione commorabantur , 
dit, gaudere omnes et alacres esse. Nam 
ique ibi per annum fuissent, dementes effi- 
ir. Turn Aldigherius quidam ex convivis, 
perfacetus, rogat Carolum, quanto tem- 
>idem commoratus esset. Cum sex menses 
I Carolus respondisset, tum alter: — c Pci^ 
no, » inquit, c ingenio, Carole,- extitisti, 
|uod alii anno solent, tu sex mensibus perfe- 
» Risimus omnes salsum hominis dictum. 



l88 THE FACETI^ 



CCXLVII 

BECOMING REPLY OF A LADY TO A YOUNG MAN WHO 
WAS ARDENTLY IN LOVE WITH HER 

A young man in Florence was intensely 
enamoured with a noble and virtuous lady, 
whom he used to follow into the churches 
and other places she frequented ; and he told 
his friends that he was anxious for a favourable 
opportunity which should allow him to 
whisper into the lady's ears a few words he 
had prepared and learned off by heart. One 
holiday, the lady went to the church of 
Santa-Lucia, and as she was alone, threading 
her way towards the holy-water font, one of 
his mates told the youg man this was his 

CCXLVII 

BELLUM MULIERIS RESPONSUM, AD JUVENEM SUO AHORE 

FLAGRANTEM 

Juvenis quidam Florentiae amore calebat mu- 
lieris nobilis atque honestae, quam ad templaet 
quocumque diverteret frequentius sequebatur. 
Hie cum sociis tempos sibi et facultatem dari opta- 
batj quo mulierem paucis verbis a se ad id prs- 
meditatis et compositis posset alloqui. Cum se- 
me} ad templum Sanctae Luciae festo die mulier 
accessisset, tempus loquendi adesse ex sociis unus 
ait, cum vidisset earn solam ad fontem adire 
aquae benedictae. lUe, velut amisso spiritu stu- 



OF POGGIO 189 

to speak. Dumb-founded and losing all 
posure, incited and impelled by his 
id, he approached the sweet object of his 
; but he had forgotten the compliment 
ad prepared, and dared not open his lips, 
friend kept urging him to say something : 
St : « Madam, » he muttered, « I am your 
rvant. » Smiling, the lady replied : — 
irvants I have at home, and more than 
lOugh, who sweep the house and wash up 
e plates and dishes : I want no more. » 
young man's friends laughed at his 
idity, and admired the appropriate re- 
der he had drawn upon himself. 



8, hortante atque impellente socio, prope 
ierem adiit; oblitusque eorum quae cogitave- 
cum neque auderet loqui, socius autem in- 
it ut saltem verba funderet, tandem ille : 
mina, • inquit^ c ego sum vester servitialis. i 
]uae verba subridens foemina : — c Satis su- 
rque satis famulorum habeo, • inquiti 
mi, qui et earn verrant, et scutellas ac inci- 
ria lavent, ut pluribus mihi servitialibus 
•n sit opus.i Riserunt socii et hominis stupi- 
:em, et bellum mulieris responsum. 



igO THE FACETIiE 



CCXLVIII 

A NOBLEMAN IN THE TIME OF THE &MPEROR FRE- 
DERIC, WHO MADE A GREAT SHOW OF PUGNACITY, 
BUT DID MOT FIGHT AT ALL 

At the time when the Emperor Frederic, 
who died in Buonconvento, a town on the 
territory of Sienna, came as an enemy and 
pitched his camp before Florence, at the 
second mile-stone, a great-many Noblemen 
took up arms for the defence of their country, 
and assaulted the hostile intrenchments. A 
braggart, who belonged to an illustrious 
family, buckled on his armour, bestrode his 
charger, and rushed tantivy out of the gates, 
chiding the rest for being slow, blustering 
that they proceeded at snail's pace, as if they 

• 

CCXLVIII 

DE NOBILI QUODAM TEMPORE FRIDERICI IMPERATORIS IN 
ARMIS PRJESUMENTI, 8ED NIL FACIENTI 

Tempore quo Fridericus Imperator ( qui in 
Bonconvento, oppido Senensium, defiinctas est) 
prope Florentiam ad secundum lapidem, ut hos- 
tis, castra posuit^ multi Nobiles ad tuendam 
patriam arma sumpserant, castris hostium insul- 
tantes. Tum quidam ex nobili familia jactabun- 
dus, ascenso equo armatus, extra portam extenso 
cursu ferebatur, increpans tarditatem caetero- 
rum,qui veluti timidi tardius incederent, seque, 
vel solum, clamitans cum hostibus congressu- 



OF POGGIO 191 

ifraid, and vowing that he was going to 
5 the enemy, if even he were alone to 
the attempt. When he had covered the 
nile, at full gallop all the time, and 
ing his strength in bravadoes, he fell in 
iome wounded coming back from the 

he then moderated his pace, and soon 
ned it altogether. But when he heard 
in of battle and saw from afar the 
OTii fight going on, he came to a full 
People, who had heard his extravagant 
ng, asked him why he did not proceed 
e part in the fray. He mused awhile, 
tien said : — « I do not feel so stout 

so courageous in armour as I had 
:ied. » One should always weigh care- 
lis moral and physical strength, and not 
sc more than he can perform. 

Cum milliaris spatium currendo et vires 
io transegisset , videns quosdam vulneri- 
nfectos ab hostibus reverti, coepit paulatim 
re tardius, lentoque passu proficisci. Au- 
to hostium cum civibus pugnantium cla- 
conspectaque a longe praeliantium pugna, 
n fixit immobilis. Cum quidam, qui ejus 
s verba audierant , cur non ulterius pro- 
stur ad pugnam, rogarent, tum ille , cum 
ndiu siluisset, tandem : — c Non sentio 
ta fortem et strenuum armis esse, • ait, c ut 
laseram mihi. » Pensitandae sunt animi et 
is vires, nequeplus promittendum quam 
^raestare. 



\ 



192 THE FACETIiE 





CCXLIX 

A MAN WHO, DURING THE SPACE OF TWO TEARS, 
HAD NEITHER MEAT NOR DRINK 

What I am now about to relate, will, 
fear, seem still more fabulous than my other 
tales, for it is repugnant to nature and ma] 
appear too marvellous; yet, its truth has s( 
clearly been shown that it cannot be deniec:^^ 
with good grace. A man named James, wh( 
at the time of Pope Eugene, was on the sta' 
of the Roman Curia, as a copying clerLe^^ 
returned to his native place, Noyonin Franc- ^ 
and there had a severe and long illness, yt 
would take up a great deal too much of rmiy 
space if I were to relate all that he said befkl 

CCXLIX 

DB HOMINE QUI PER BIENNIUH CIBUM NON SUMP8IT, 

NEQUE POTUH 

Vereor, ne id quod his nostris confabulationi- 
bus inseram, caeteris fabulosius videatur, cum et 
natura repugnet, et praeter modum videatur mi- 
randum : ita tamen verum esse compertum est,ut 
impudens videatur id negare. Quidam, Jacobus 
nomine, qui tempore Eugenii erat in Romana 
Curia, ex his qui vocantur copistae , cum ad pa- 
triam Noviomum in Galliam redisset, incidit in 
morbum gravem et diuturnum. Longior esset fii- 
tura narratio , si omnia recensere velim , qus 



\ 



OF POGGIO igS 

him during that illness. A very long time 
afterwards, during the fifth* year of the Pon- 
tificate of Nicholas V, he wished to visit the 
grave of Our Saviour, and came back to the 
Curia, poor and half-naked, for, on the way, 
he had fallen in with robbers. He called 
upon members of the Curia, neighbours of 
mine and most respectable, who had known 
him formerly, and told them that, for the 
last two years, since leaving his sick-bed, he 
had not been able to eat or drink any thing, 
although he had often tried. Extremely thin ; 
he is a priest and quite right in his mind, 
since he follows the service with great 
assiduity, and has heard Mass in my presence. 
Theologians and medical men have conversed 
with him most earnestly : they say the case 
is unnatural, but so much a fact that it were 



sibi in morbo asserit contigisse. Tandem post 
annos multos, anno sexto Nicolai Quinti Pontifi- 
cis, reversus ad Curiam, ut iret ad sepulcrum 
Salvatoris nostri, nudus et inops (nam in itinera 
inciderat in latrones) divertit apud Curiales, vi- 
cinos m6os, honestissimos viros, quibus antea 
fuit notus. Is biennio jam post morbum dicit se 
neque comedisse, neque potasse , cujus rei peri- 
culum factum est saepius. Homo macerrimus est, 
sacerdos, et sanae mentis, ut qui Officium conti- 
nue dicat, et Missam» me vidente, audierit. Plu- 
res et Theologi et Physici cum eo serio locuti 
sunt; rem contra naturam aiunt, sed ita certa 
est, ut pervicacis sit id non credere. Concursus 

II 17 



194 'I'HE FACETIiE 

mere obstinacy to deny it. A crowd of people 
come daily to question him, and opinions 
differ much : some believe his body is in- 
habited by the Demon; but there are no 
signs of his being any thing but a discreet, 
honest, and pious man; at present he still 
gets his living by his pen. Others assert that 
die melancholic substance of his humours 
provides for his food. I have often entered 
into conversation with him myself, not 
believing what was reported of him. He says 
his own case surprised him as much as any 
one; that he did not, however, leave off 
eating and drinking all of a sudden, but got 
into the habit by degrees. My astonishment 
would be greater still, had I not read, wheo^Km 
looking through some annals which I formerly 
copied in France, that a similar case hac 





fit ad eum quotidie hominum pefcontantiui 
Multi varia de hoc sentiunt. Sunt qui existimei 

corpus illud a Daemone habitari. Sed nulla si( 

in eo apparent nisi prudentis viri , probi et rel — 3- 
giosi, qui hodie quoque scribendi exercitio vart^ r. 
Alii humorem melancholicum asserunt praebezi^Ere 
nutrimentum. Cum ipso egomet saepius sum co- ^- 
locutus, falsa existimans quae dicebantur. Is qik> o- 
que non minus quam reliquos se ex hoc adnm. i- 
rari dicit. Non tamen subito, sed paulatim in 
hanc consuetudinem descendit. Ego rem ha nc 
magis admirarer, nisi revolvens nuper quosda.XD 
annales, quos in Gallia olim transcripsiy le§;j^ 
sem idem tempore Lotharii Imperatori^ , et Pas- 



OF POGGIO 195 

been known in the time of the Emperor 
Lothair and of Pope Pascal, in the year of 
Our Lord 822 : a little girl of twelve, at 
Commercy, on the territory of Toul, after 
taking the holy communion at Easter, went 
"Without bread first during ten months, then 
^without meat or drink during three years, 
and, afterwards, resumed her former way of 
living. Our friend hopes it will be the same 
ygnth him. 

CCL 
C3.EVER Maying of a man who promised to teach 

A DONKEY 

A certain Lord, anxious to confiscate the 
property of one of his vassals, who boasted 

chalis Papae^ anno Domini octingentesimo vice- 
simo secundo^ contigisse. Puellam scilicet duo- 
decim annorum in territorio Tullensi, villa 
Com./nertiaci , post assumptam in Paschale sa« 
cram communionem , primo per decern menses 
pane, deinde triennio potu et cibo abstinuisse, 
postea redisse ad priorem vitam. Quod et iste de 
se sperat fiiturum. 

CCL 

FACETUM HOMINIS DICTUM A8INUM ERUDIRE PROMITTENTIS 

T3rrannus ad exhauriendum bona subditi, qui 
se multa facturum jactabat, sub gravi poena prse- 



196 THE FACETIiE 

of his varied abilities, ordered him, under a 
heavy penalty, to teach a donkey to read. 
The man declared the thing to be impossible 
unless a long delay were allowed him for the 
instruction of the animal, and, being told to 
state the time he wanted, required ten years. 
Every one laughed at him for having un- 
dertaken an impossibility. He comforted his 
friends, however, saying : « I have nothing 
» to fear; for, between this and then, either 
» I shall be dead, or the ass, or the Lord. » 
Thus showing the wisdom of protracting and 
deferring a difficulty. 



cepit ut asinum litteras doceret. Ille impossibile 
ait fore, nisi multum temporis sibi in enidiendo 
asino concederetur ; petere quantum vellet jussus, 
decennium impetravit. Deridebatur ab omnibus, 
quoniam rem impossibilem suscepisset. lUe ami- 
cos solatus : — c Nil timeo,» inquit; c nam inte- 
» rim, aut ego moriar, aut asinus, aut Dominus.i 
Quibus verbis ostendit salutare esse rem diffici- 
lem in longum protrahi ac differri. 



OF POGGIO 197 



CCLI 

A PRIEST WHO DID NOT KNOW WHETHER THE EPIPHANY 
WAS A MAN OR A WOMAN 

On the occasion of the Epiphany, a friend 
of mine told me of the laughable silliness of a 
Vicar, his fellow country-man, when advising 
his congregation of the approaching cele- 
bration of the Epiphany : « To morrow, » 
said the Priest, « you will honor the Epi- 
» phany with the utmost devotion, for it is 
» an especial, a grand festival : I know not 
» whether it was a man or a woman : but, 
» no matter which, the day must be observed 
» with the greatest reverence. » 



CCLI 

DE SACERDOTE EPIPHANIA AN VIR ES8ET VEL FCEMINA 

IGNORANTE 

Socius quidam, in festo Epiphaniae, narravit 
mihi stultitiam ridiculam Sacerdotis contribulis 
sui. c Sacerdos fuit, » inquit, c qui populo nun^ 
tians Epiphaniae celebritatem futuram : c Cras^i 
ait, csumma devotione veneremini Epiphaniam; 
i maximum est enim et praecipuum festum : 
i nescio autem vir fuerit an foemina , sed quis- 
i quis extiteritf a nobis est summo timore hie 
i dies custodiendus. » 



II 17. 



igS THE FACETIAE 



CCLII 

A USURER WHO SIMULATED REPENTANCE AND 
AGGRAVATED HIS FORMER WAYS 

Some one, coining to ask some money, at 
a high interest, of an old usurer who pretended 
to have given up his trade, wanted to pledge 
for the amount a silver cross wherein was 
inserted a small splinter of the cross of Our 
Saviour. When he was asked for a loan 
thereupon : — « I have long renounced the 
1 sin of usury, » said the old man; « but 
» apply to my son, such a one » (telling him 
the name), « who is engaged in the ruin and 
» perdition of his soul; he will accommodate 
» you; » and he sent a servant with the 
borrower, to show him the house. They were 

CCLII 

FCENERATOR FICTE PCENITENS IN PEJUS RECIDIVAT 

Ad senem quemdam foeneratorem qui artem se 
desiisse simulabat, accessit homo pecuniam sub 
foenore sumpturus, tulitque in piguus crucem 
argenteam, in qua erat portiuncula ligni crucis 
Salvatoris Nostri. Cum peteretur a sene, ut pecu- 
niam mutuaret : — < Ego, • inquit, c ab hoc foe- 
1 nerandi peccato jam destiti : sed vade ad filium 
imeum, lait (et nomen dixit), cquianimam 
J profligavit ac perdidit, ut mutuet tibi ; » misit- 
que domesticum cum illo domum filii monstra- 



OF POGGIO 199 

already at some distance, when calling back 
his servant : « Ho! » shouted he, « tell my 
» son to mind and not forget to deduct the 
» weight of the wood, » The old rogue, 
whilst pretending to have repented, was 
anxious lest his son should pay, as silver, the 
wood of the cross, which he valued less than 
the metal. One easily falls back into his old 
bent. 

CCLIII 

BIRDS WHO TALKED UNDER A DELUSION 

A man was taking birds one by one out of 
a cage and putting them to death by squeezing 
their heads with his fingers; whilst proceeding 
with the operation, he appened to shed tears. 



tunun. Cum jam abissent longius : — c Heus tu,» 
inquit domestico, c die filio, ut meminerit dedu- 
» oere de pretio ligni pondus. » Noluit qui ad 
conscientiam se redisse finxerat, ut filius lignum 
crucis aestimaret pro argento, id villus argento 
putans. Facillime res in suam naturam redit. 

CCLIII 

DK AVICULIS FABULOSE IT FALSE LOQUENTIBUS 

Quid&m aviculas capiens in cavea reclusas, 

stricto manibus capite, interficiebat. Interim casu 

acrymas coepit emittere. Turn una ex reclusis 



200 . THE FACETIAE 

One of the captives then said to the otl: 
« Be of good cheer, for I see him wee 
» and he takes pity on us. » But the c 
replied : — « My child, look not at his 
» but at his hands, » showing that deeds 
words should be taken into account. 



CCLIV 

A MAN WITH MANY CHAINS ROUND HIS NECK 
MERELY THOUGHT MORE CRAZED FOR HIS PA 

A certain Milanese Knight, a bra^ 
soldier, who had come to Florence a 
Ambassador, exhibited every day, thr 
ostentation, new chains of various patt 
which he carried round his neck. Ni 
Niccoli, a well informed and ready m 

ait reliquis : c Bono sitis animo^ nam, ut 
» lacrymantem, nostri miseretur. i Hie s 
ex eis : — c O fill, » inquit, c non ad oculc 
» spice, sed ad manus ; • non ad verba, sed c 
monstrans esse a nobis respiciendum. 

CCLIV 

CATENIS VARUS COLLUM CINGENS STULTIOR iESTIM 

Ordinis j^questris quidam Mediolanensis 
glbriosus, qui Orator Flbrentiam venerat, 
tidie in ostentationem diversas varii genei 
collum catenulas deferebat. Hujus inanen 
tantiam videns Nico],aus Nicolus, vir doctisi 



"•V*-- • 



OF POGGIO 201 

inaii, seeing the Knighf s ridiculous vanity, 
remarked : — « Other mad men are bound 
^ but with one chain ; this man is so insane 
* that one is hot enough for him. » 



CCLV 

^ Good thrust of ridolfo, lord of camerino. 
At an ambassador who had inveighed against 
All lords in general 

During the war which was waged between 
^e Florentines and Pope Gregory, the 
^sitrict of Piceno and nearly all the Provinces 
*^^ the Roman Church seceded from their 
^Icgiance to the Pope. An Envoy sent to 
'^'^lorence by the inhabitants of Recanati 
^^pressed to the Priors his fellow-citizens' 



ad jocos promptus : c Caeteri stulti, » inquit, 
^ unica catena se vinciri patiuntur ; hujus autem 
^ insania tanta est, ut non sit una catena conten- 
^ tus. » 

CCLV 

FACETUM REDOLPHI DOMINI CAMERINI IN ORATOREM 
-CONTRA OMNES DOMINOS INVSCTUM 

Bellum quod inter Pontificem Gregorium XI et 

^orentinos est gestum, Piceni, et omnes ferme 

^Ecclesiae Romanae provinciae a Pontifice descive- 

runt. Orator Racanatensium, Florentiam missus, 

gratulatus est apud Priores ob restitutam eis 



202 THB FACETIiE 

gratitude to the Florentines for their assistance 
towards the recovery of their liberty, and 
inveighed at length against the Pontiff and 
his ministers, especially against all Lords and 
Princes, cursing their bad government and 
their crimes, without heeding in the least the 
presence of Ridolfo, Lord of Camerino, who, 
by virtue of his rank as a General in the 
Florentine service, attended the audiences 
given to Ambassadors. Rodolfo enquired of 
him which science or art he had cultivated; 
the Envoy replied that he was a Doctor of 
civil law, and, being asked how much time 
he had spent upon his studies, averred he had 
devoted to them more than ten years of his 
life. — « What a pity, » rejoined Ridolfo, 
« that you did not give, were it but a twelve- 
V month, to the acquisition of discretion! » 
He thus gave him plainly to understand how 

Florentinorum ope libertatem, multisque verbis 
in Pontificem suosque ministros, et praecipue 
contra dominos omnes et tyrannos invectus est, 
m^lum eorum regimen et facinora detestatus, 
nulloque adhibito respectu Redolphi Domini Ca- 
merini, qui tum Dux Florentinorum aderat, cum 
ejusmodi legati audirentur, diutius versatus est 
in eorum detractione. Tum Redolphuspetensab 
Oratore illo, cujus facultatis aut artis esset, cum 
ille Doctorem juris civilis se diceret, quaesivit 
quantum tempus legibus operam dedisset. Gum 
ille amplius decennio respondisset : — c Quam 
» vellem, » inquit, c ut saltern annum discretionis 



OF POGGIO 203 

illy he had been with his outburst of in- 
rectives against Noblemen, in the presence 
>f one of their number. 



CCLVI 

AN ARBITRATOR IN WHOSE HOUSE A PIG SPILLED 

SOME OIL 

A man who had been appointed arbitrator 
between two litigants, received a jug of oil of 
3ne of the parties who, by that means, hoped 
:o secure a sentence in his behalf; the fact 
^xne to the ears of the other party, who 
fastened to sent a fat pig, requesting favour 
in his own interest. The arbitrator pronounced 
bimself for the pig. He who had given the 
oil oime to him, and complained of the 
result, reminding him of the present and of 



1 studio vacasses ! » Stultum ilium judicans qui 
tain multa, se praesente, contra Dominofi effii- 
dis^t. 

CCLVI 

DE ARBITRO IN CUJUS DOMO PORCUS OLEUM EFFUDIT 

Quidam arbiter inter duos litigantes datus ac- 
cepit ab uno urceum olei, ea spe et pollicitatione 
ut pro se judex sententiam ferret. Hoc sentiens 
alter porcum pinguem misit judiei^ rogans ut 
si hi faveret. Tulit ille sententiam pro porco, quod 
sentiens alter cum et fidem datam^ et oleum mis* 



204 '^^^ FACETIiS 

the promise made : ^- « Well, » said the arbi- 
trator, « a certain pig entered my house, and 
9 finding your oil in the way, broke the jug 
» and spilled the contents on the floor, so 
» that I forgot you. » A most appropriate 
reply in the mouth of a venal judge. 



CCLVII 

A. BALD man's FACETIOUS RETORT TO TWO YOUNG 

FEMALES 

Two young women were leaning out of a 
window looking into a garden, when the 
gardener, a bald old man, went out to get 
his meal; the two wenches, seeing his bald 
pate, asked him if he would like to have a 
recipe for making the hair grow agaio. He 



sum apud judicem quereretur : — t Porcus, » in- 
quit, cquidam domumvenit, et invento oleovas 
» effregit , atque oleum dissipavit , adeo ut tul 
» fuerim oblitus. » Optima venalis responsio. 

CCLVII 

JUVENCULARUM A CALVO QUODAM FAGETA DELUSIO 

Juvenculse duse cum essent ad fenestram domus 
supra hortum sitae, exibat hortulanus senex et 
calvus ad sumendum cibum; quern cum ills 
vidissent calvitie deformem,petiyeruiit, numquid 
cuperet scire quo pacto pill nascerentur. Assen- 



OF POGGIO 205 

tiled in the affirmative, and they, for a bit 
fun, advised him to bathe his head now 
1 then with his wife's urine. Setting him- 
f full in front of them : — « That your 
'emedy is no good, » said the gardener 
ghing, « the following fact clearly proves: 
or the last thirty years my wife has been 
)athing this friend of mine » (and his hand 
istrated his words), or yet never a hair has 
;rown on it. » 

CCLVIII 

C MESSER PERDE IL PIATO » 

ilnrico de Monteleone, a barrister with the 
man tribunal, was of advanced age and 
skilled in his profession, so that he was 



ite illo, joci causa diterunt, ut caput ali* 
.ndo urina lavaret uxoris. Tum ille ad eas 
sus : — c Hanc vestram medelam, » ridens 
uit, cnequaquam veram esse, uxoris meae 
ictum comprobavit, quae, licet hunc socium 
leum » (Priapum manu ostendens) c jam tri- 
tnta laverit annis , tamen nulli in eo pili 
corti sunt. » 

CCLVIII 

DB « MESSER PERDE IL PIATO i 

enricus de Monteleone causarum procurator 
in Romana Curia , senex admodum , et pa- 

ti i8 



206 THE FACETIiE 

commonly nicknamed Messer perde il piatOy 
that is to say « Mister Cause-loser. » He was 
asked one day why he was continually suc- 
cumbing in all the law-suits he was engaged 
in : — « Because, » said he, « nobody comes 
» to require my services but for the support 
» of unjust claims; so that I must needs be 
» worsted, since my causes are always bad. » 
Amusing reply of an ignoramus. 

CCLIX 

A GRATEFUL SONG TO INN-KEEPERS 

A hungry way-farer entered an inn where 
he stuffed himself out with meat and drink, 
and, when handed the bill, said he had no 



mm in ea facultate sdtus ; unde Messer Perde il 
Piato vulgari verbo appeliabatur, id est, jDomj- 
nus perdens lites. Cum semel ab eo postularetur, 
cur in singulis semper causis succumberet : — 
c Quoniam nullus, » inquit, c nisi injustitiam 
» petens, litigaturus patrocinium meum petit, ut 
» necesse sit me semper esse in causa iniqua 
f inferiorem. t Faceta ignorantis hominis re- 
sponsio. 

CCLIX 

DE CANTILENA TABERNARIIS PLACITA 

Viator quidam esuriens, cum divertisset ad 
cauponulam, ventrem cibo potuque farcivit* Pe^ 



OF POGGIO 207 

money, but would pay for his meal by 
singing some songs. The inn-keeper replied 
that he must have money, not songs. — « But 
» if I sing you one that pleases you, » re- 
joined the debtor, a will you take it for 
» money's worth? t Mine host assented, and 
the traveller began singing, and asked if that 
song was approved of. Negative was the 
reply, and he kept on first with one, then 
with another. As none met with the landlord's 
approbation : — « Well, » said the way-farer, 
« I will now give you one that shall certainly 
» please you. » And, purse in hand, as if 
about to untie the strings, he began the 
usual ditty of travellers : Metti mano alia 
horse e paga I'oste, that is to say : Take 
your purse and pay the host, — « Is that one 



tente pecuniam caupone, ait nullos sibi esse 
nxmimos, sed cantilenis se satis esse facturum. 
Tabernarius non cantu, sed pretio sibi opus esse 
respondit. Turn alter : — c Si eam cantionem 
f dicam, quae placeat tibi, num ea pro pecunia 
» contentus eris? » Annuente caupone, coepit 
viator canere; et, an ea placeret, interrogavit. 
Cum abnuisset caupo, unam et deinde alteram 
cecinit. Nullius cantu sibi satisfied ille testatus 
est. Hie viator : — cDicam ergo nunc, » inquit^ 
c eam quas tibi sit placitura. t Et, arrepto mar- 
supio, dissolventi similis^ ccepit cantionem, qua 
viatores uti consueverunt : Metti mano alia borsa 
e paga Voste, hoc est : Mitte manum ad bursam, 
et satisfac hospiti, Hac dicta, numquid ilia sibi 



208 THE FAGETIiS 

» to your taste ? » he asked when he had done : 

— « To be sure, » replied the landlord. 

c Then, according to agreement, we ar^ 
» quits, » said the traveller, a since that son^^ 
9 has pleased you. » And he went away scotr-* 
free. 

CCLX 

A JEER AT A THIN MAN 

One of our fellow-citizens, an intimate 
friend of mine, is extremely thin and lean. 
Some one was wondering what could be the 
reason of such spareness : — « It is the plain- 
» est thing of the world, » replied a wag : 
« the man sits half an hour when taking his 
» food, and two hours, when ejecting it. » It 

placeret, rogat : — c Placet haec, » inquit hospes. 
Turn viator : — c Satisfactum est tibi ex pacto,i 
ait, c postquam hsec cantio placuit tibi. > Ita 
absque solutione discessit. 

CCLX 

DE GRACILI QUODAM FACETA RESPONSIO 

Civis noster, mihi amantissimus , est admo- 
dum gracili corpore ac macilentus. Admirante 
quodam hujus rei causam, facetus quidam : — 
c Quid miraris, t inquit, c quod est in promptu? 
» Semihoram quippe hie in cibo capiendo sedet: 
» in secessu ad emittendum duas. t Mos enim 



OF POGGIO 209 

Vras a fact : my friend his usually a long time 
9t clearing his bowels. 



CCLXI 

WITTY REPLY OF A LADY WHOSE INKSTAND 

WAS EMPTY 

A highly respectable lady, of our acquain- 
tance, was asked by a messenger if she had 
no letter to give him for her husband, who 
had been abroad for some time as Ambassa- 
dor of the Republic : — a How could I write, » 
said she, a since my husband has taken away 
» the pen, ^nd left the inkstand empty? d A 
witty and honest reply. 



illi est, ut plurimum temporis in purgando ven- 
trem impertiatur. 

CCLXI 

FACETA RESPONSIO MULIERIS PUGILLARE VACUUM 

HABENTIS 

Matrona e nostris honestissima mulier, quae- 
renti tabellario numquid litterarum ad maritum 
dare vellet, aberat enim longius Reipublicse 
Legatus : — c Quompdo, 1 inquit, « possum scri- 
1 bere, cum vir calamum detulerit secum, pu- 
1 gillare vacuum reliquerit ? t Faceta atque ho- 
nesta responsio. 



11 18. 



210 THE FACETI^ 



CCLXII 

A GOOD JOKE ON THE LIMITED NUMBER 
OF GOD^S FRIENDS 

One of our fellow-citizens, a very witty 
man, whilst labouring under a painful and 
lengthened illness, was attended by a Friar 
who came to comfort him, and, among other 
words of solace, told him that God thus espe- 
cially chastens those he loves, and inflicts his 
visitations upon them. — « No wonder then, » 
retorted the sick man, « if God has so few 
» friends; if that is the way he favours them, 
» he ought to have still less. » 



CCLXII 

RIDENDA DE PAUCITATE AMICORUM DEI RESPONSIO 

Ad aegrum quemdam civem nostrum perface- 
tum, qui gravi morbo diutius torquebatur, ac- 
cessit Religiosus, hortandi gratia. Cum vero, in- 
ter caetera consolationis verba, dixisset solere 
Deum, quos diligeret, hoc pacto castigare, et in- 
commodis afficere : — c Non mirum est, i inquit 
asgrotus, c si tam paucos amicos habet, habiturus, 
1 si ita tractaret eos, etiam pauciores. » 



OF POGGIO 211 

CCLXIII 
A FRIAR OF S. ANTHONY, A LAYMAN AND A WOLF 

A Friar, one of those gatherers who ask 
harity in the name of S. Anthony, persuad- 
d a farmer to give him a certain quantity of 
rheat, by promising that all his chattels, and 
specially his sheep, should be safe and thriv- 
ig the whole year round. The farmer, con- 
nding in the assurance thus given him, al- 
)wed his sheep to roam more freely, and 
lany of them were eaten by a wolf. The 
easant was indignant, and when, the year 
>llowing, the gatherer came again for some 
'heat, he protested that he would not give 
ay, and reproached him with the inanity of 

CCLXIII 

DE 8ANCTI ANTONII FRATRE ET LAICO AC LUPO 

Religiosus, ex his quaestuariis, qui pro Sancto 
ntonio eleemosynam petunt, .agricolae ad dan- 
jm sibi nescio quid fnimenti persuasit, ea pol- 
citatione, ut assereret res omnes suas, et oves 
[-aesertim, per eum annum salvas atque inco- 
imes fore. Hujusmodi rusticus promissis fidens, 
im oves licentius vagari permisisset, lupus plu- 
s exeis comedit. Qua ex re indignatus villicus, 
im anno altero quaestuarius pro frumento re- 
ret, negavit se quicquam daturum , et simul 



212 THE FAGETIiE 

his former promises. In reply to the gatherer's 
enquiries, he told him of the sheep the wolf 
had despoiled him of. — « The wolf? » 
exclaimed the Friar; « hoi hoi that is a wick- 
» ed and faithless beast wich you must 
» beware of. It would cheat not only 
» S. Antony, but Jesus-Christ himself, if it 
» could. » It is the act of a fool to trust people 
who make deception a trade. 

CCLXIV 

SINGULAR BALANCE OF COMPENSATION BETWEEN 
CONFESSOR AND PENITENT 

A certain person, whether in earnest or for 
a lark, went to a Priest and told him he 



questus est inanes suas fuisse poUicitationes. 
Sciscitantt causam respondit ab lupo oves suas 
raptas.— c Lupus ? t inquit alter, c ho I ho! mala 
» ea bestia est, et absque fide : cave tibi ab ea. 
f Non enim Sanctum Antonium tantum, sedip- 
f sum Christum, si posset, falleret. » Sultum est 
in his fidere quorum exercitium in fraudando 
consumitur. 

CCLXIV 

DE MIRABILI CONFITENTIS ET CONFESSORIS RECIPROCil 
PRO SATISFACTIONE RECOMPENSA 

Quidam, seu serio, seu Sacerdotis eludendi 
causa, ad eum adiit, asserens se peccata sua con- 



OF POGGIO 2l3 

wanted to confess his sins to him. Requested 
to recite those that occurred to his memory, 
he said that he had stolen something or other 
from a man, but that this one had plundered 
him to a much greater extent. — « There is 
9 compensation, » said the Priest ; « you paid 
» each other out. » The penitent went on to 
say that he had struck someone else, but that 
he had also been thrashed by him ; the Priest 
declared that both fault and penalty had 
been equal. Several similar acknowledgments 
met with the same response : that there was 
compensation. « There still weighs on my 
» conscience, » continued the penitent, « a 
9 heinous offence I blush at, and dare not 
» speak, especially to you whom it particu- 
» larly concerns. » The Priest urged him to lay 
aside all feelings of shame, and to make a 



fiteri velle. Jussus dicere quae meminerit, ait 
nescio quid se ab altero clam furatum, sad ilium 
multo plus eripuisse sibi. Turn Sacerdos : — 
c Alterum^ » inquit, c pro altero computetur, 
» quoniam pares in facto estis. t Addidit etiam se 
alium quempiam verberasse, et se quoque ab eo 
vapulasse : eodem modo Sacerdos parem fuisse 
culpam et poenam dixit. Plura simili modo cum 
retulisset, semper Sacerdos alterum pro altero 
compensandum respondebat. Tum ille : — c Re- 
» Stat nunc peccatum, » inquit, c ingens, quod di- 
» cere vereor atque erubesco, tibi praesertim ad 
» queih maxime spectat. i Cum hortaretur eum 
Sacerdos ad deponendam verecundiam et libere 



214 "^^^ FACBTIiS 

clean breast of it; the man obstinately declin- 
ed ; at last, moved by his Confessor's entrea- 
ties : « I slept with your sister, » said Jie. — 
« And I, » retorted the Priest, « slept many a 
» time with your mother ; so that, here again, 
» the sin of the one washes away that of the 
» other. » Thus parity in guilt absolves the 
culprits. 

CCLXV 

WITTY SALLIES OF TWO YOUNG FLORENTINES 

A young Florentine was going down to the 
river Arno with one of those nets in which 
they wash wool, and met a frolicsome boy, 
who, out of fun, asked him what birds he was 
going to catch with that net of his?— « I am 



profitendum crimen, et ille diutius recusasset, 
tandem motus exhortantis Sacerdotis verbis : — 
c Ego, I inquit, c sororem tuam cognovi. i Turn 
Sacerdos : — c Et ego matrem tuam ssepius futui, 
» itaque ut de reliquis alterum alterius culpam 
f luat. » Ita paritas criminum peccatorem ab- 
solvit. 

CCLXV 

DUORUM FLORENTINORUM ADOLESCENTUM DICTA 
SALE RESPERSA 

Adolescens quispiam Florentiee deferebat ad 
Arni fluvium .retia quibus lavantur lanae. Huic 
obvius dicax puer, ridendi illius gratia : ( Ad 



OF POGGIO 2l5 

J to the Brothers outlet, » replied the 
« to spread my net there, and catch 
mother. — Mind you search the place 
ully, » retorted the boy, « for you will 
.re to find yours there also. » Tit for 



CCLXVI 

fusion of a young man who, during 
:rtainment, made water on the table 

ung Hungarian, of gentle birth, asked 
ler by a Nobleman of still higher 
, with whom he was somewhat connect* 
le on horse-back, a long distance, with 
/ants. As soon as he alighted, the whole 



cum isto rete pergis aucupium ? » inquit. 
e : — f Ad exitum Lupanaris vado, ut ex- 
ibi rete capiam matrem tuam. » E vestigio 
- c Heus tu, f inquit, c pulsa locum dill- 
is; nam et ibi quoque reperies tuam. » 
iem sale respersa dicta. 

CCLXVI 

ESCENTIS CONFUSIO SUPER MENSAM MINGENTIS 
IN CONVIVIO 

is in Hungaria adolescens a quodam No- 
quocum sibi affinitas erat, ad prandium 

, accessit cum famulis, equester, cum 
longius. Cum ex equo descendisset, viri 



2l6 THE FACETIiE 

company, men and women, came to greet 
him, and, it being rather late, at once led 
him into the dining-room. When he had 
washed his hands, he was seated at table 
between two handsome young ladies, the 
daughters of his host. Distressed by a press- 
ing need which he had not mentioned from 
a sense of shame, and having found no oppor- 
tunity of secreting himself for one moment, 
he was in such pain as not even to think of 
eating. Every one noticed his preoccupation, 
his indifference to the various viands, and 
urged him to do honour to the repast. Final- 
ly, unable to bear the suff'ering any longer, 
he slipped his right hand under the table, 
and Priapum occulte exertum demisit into 
one of his boots, in order to satisfy nature. 
At that very moment, his pretty right hand 

mulieresque obviam prodeunt, adolescentemquc 
e vestigio (nam hora erat tardiuscula) ad tricli- 
nium convivio paratum deducunt. Lotis deinde 
manibus, in mensa inter duas formosas adoles- 
centulas, hospitis tilias, adolescens collocatur. 
Qui, mittendae urinae cupiditate, prae pudore ta- 
cita, neque ulla data divertendi facultate, inter 
edendum, mingendi cruciatu ita vexabatur, ut 
ciborum cogeretur obiivisci. Cum omnes sus- 
pensum animi remissicremque in sumendo cibo 
viderent, ac hortarentur ad edendum, ille, dolore 
motus, dextra manu subtus mensam posita, 
Priapum occulte exertum in alteram ocrearumi 
mingendi gratia, demisit. Adolescentula dextrae 



OF POGGIO 217 

side neighbour, saying : a Now, do eat, » 
suddenly laid hold of his arm, and brought 
up his hand on the table, whith what was in 
it; the cloth was wetted all over. Such an 
unusual sight cialled forth a general fit of 
laughter, and the poor young man was put 
to confusion. 

CCLXVII 

ARTFUL TRICK OF A FLORENTINE WOMAN 
TAKEN IN THE FACT 

The wife of an inn-keeper, in the neigh- 
bourhood of Florence, an unscrupulous wo- 
man, was in bed with her accustomed par- 
amour, when another man came with the 
intention of taking the former's place. Hear- 



proxima : c Heus! ede alacriter, t inquiens, bra- 
chiumque subito prehendens, manum extulit 
supra mensam virilia tenentem mingentia,.ex 
quo urina mensam respersit. Ad tarn insolitum 
spectaculum risere omnes, adolescente admodum 
verecundia perfuso. 

CCLXVII 

CALLIDA GONSILIA FLORENTINJE F(EMIN£ 
IN FACINORE DEPREHENS^ 

Mulier, prope Florentiam, public! hospitis uxor 
admodum liberalis, cum quodam cujus usu te- 
nebatur^ cubabat in lecto. Accessit interim de 

II 19 



2l8 THE FACETIiE 

ing Irim come up the stairs, she went to meet 
him, rated him soundly and forbid him go 
any further : « I cannot satisfy you at pre- 
» sent, » she said, « be off with you. » The 
altercation and dispute lasted such a length 
of time, that the husband came and asked 
what it was all about. The woman soon con- 
trived a way out of the difficulty : — « This 
» man, » quoth she, « is in a passion'and insists 
» upon coming upstairs to do bodily harm 
» to another who has taken refuge here^ and 
» I am restraining him, to prevent the com- 
» mission of such an outrage in our house. » 
On hearing these words, the lover who was 
hiding took heart, and began to threaten 
that he would resent the insult. Meanwhile, 
the other man likewise pretended to lanch 
out into threats, and to try and force an 

improYiso et alter, idem quod prior facturus^ 
quem praesentiens scalas ascehdentem mulier, 
atque obviam facta, acriter eum jurgare, et ulte- 
riore aditu arcere co^pit, asserens non esse tempus 
quo ei satisfieri posset, rogansque ut e vestigio 
abiret. Renitendo altercandoque cum aliquandiu 
tempus tereretur, superveniens vir quid sibi ea 
vellet concertatio quaesivit. Foemina ad fallendum 
prompta : — « Hie, » inquit, c irato animo vult 
» superius ingredi, ad vulnerandum quemdam 
» qui in domum confugit, quem adhuc continui, 
» ne tantum facinus hie patraretur. » Ille qui la- 
tebat, his auditis verbis, sumpto animo, coepit 
minari, se ulturum injuriam dictitans. Alter in- 



OF POGGIO 219 

entrance . The foolish husband inquired 
the motive of the quarrel, and took upon 
himself to settle matters satisfactorily. He 
consequently entered into a parley with 
the two disputants, brought about peace, and 
even treated them to a glass of wine, thus 
supplementing his wife's adultery at the 
expense of his cellar. Women taken in the 
deed are never at a loss for some clever con- 
trivance. 

CCLXVIII 

A LIVING CORPSE, ON THE WAY TO HIS GRAVE, 
SPEAKS AND SETS PEOPLE LAUGHING 

There was in Florence a sort of fool, Ni- 
gniacca by name, not quite out of his mind, 

terim priori vim et minas intentare se simulabat. 
Vir stultus, quaesita causa dissentionis, onus rei 
componendse suscepit, et cum ambobus una col- 
locutus, pacem composuit, solvens etiam de sue 
vinum, ut uxoris adulterio adderet jacturam 
potus. Callida profecto sunt foeminae consilia in 
focinore deprehensae. 

CCLXVIII 

OE MORTUO VIVO AD SEPULCHRUU DEDUCTO1 
LOQUENTE ET RI8UM MOYENTE 

Erat Florentise stultus, cognomine Nigniaca; 
haud nimium insanlens, et satis jucundus. Ju- 



222 THB FACBTIiE 

» cold, his speech is impeded, his eyes are 
» dimmed, he is breathing his last! Let us 
» close his eyes, arrange his hands, and 
» convey him to his last abode. What a loss! 
» He was a good fellow, a true friend! i And 
they exchanged words of comfort. 

Meanwhile, Nigniacca, corpse-like, said not 
a word, and verily believed he was dead. He 
was put into a coffin, and borne through the 
city by the young men, who, in answer to all 
inquiries, said they were carrying Nigniacca 
to the burialrground. On the way, many 
people joined the procession to share in the 
sport, and every one kept saying that Ni- 
gniacca was dead and was being conveyed to 
his resting-place. A publican shouted :« What 
» a nasty beast, and what a thief he was! He 
» certainly deserved to be hanged by the 

» Claudamui igitur oculos, et componamus ma- 
» nus, et ad sepeliendum feramus, » et : < 
» quam magna jactura in istius obitu facta est! 
» Bonus enim et amicus noster. » Et se invicem 
consolabantur. 

Stultus, ut defunctus, nihil locutus, persuaserat 
sibi ipsi mortuum se esse. Posito in feretro, cum 
juvenes illi per urbem portarent, petentibus ce- 
teris quidnam rei esset, se Nigniacam mortuuia 
ad sepulchrum ferre dicebant. Inter petendumi 
multi ad ludum concurrebant, cum omnes Ni- 
gniacam mortuum ad sepulturam deferrc dice* 
rent. Unus ex tabernariis : c O quam mala bestia 
) fuit, et fur pessimus, » ait, « dignus certe sus- 



OF POGGIO 223 

;k ! » On hearing those words, the fool 
I his head : — a If I was alive, instead 
3eing dead, » he exclaimed, a I should 
you, you scoundrel, that you lie in your 
oat. » The bearer roared with laughter, 
eft the man there and then in his bier. 



CCLXIX 

A DOUBTFUL ARGUMENT 

o friends, whilst out together, for a walk, 
arguing as to which afforded the greater 
tion of pleasure, sexual intercourse or 
earing of one's bowels, when they caught 
of a woman who had never turned up 
lose at masculine company. « Let us 



ii laqueo! » Tum stultus cum haec audis- 
ecto capite : — c Si vivus essem, sicut sum 
tuus, » inquit, t dicerem, furcifer, te per 
m mentiri. » Qui eum portabant, oborto 
laximo, hominem in feretro reliquere. 

CCLXIX 

DE DUBIO SOPHISUATE 

• 

erebant ambulantes socii duo, utrummajor 
coitusne voluptas, anne ventris secessus. 
ecta muliere, quae congressum hominum 
ispernata fuerat : c Percunctemur hanc, » 
it, c utramque rem expertam. — Minime, » 



224 '^^^ FACETIiE 

» ask her, »said one of the men,cshe is expert 
9 in both matters. — She is no judge, > 
replied the other, « for she f....d much oftener 
9 than she c....d. » 



CCLXX 

A MILLER DIDDLED BY HIS WIFE, WHO GAVE HIM 
FIVE EGGS FOR BREAKFAST 

The following relates a fact well known in 
Mantua. Near the bridge of that town is a 
mill that belongs to a man named Cornicolo. 
One summer's day, as the miller was sitting 
on the bridge, he saw a young peasant girl 
of comely age, who was crossing it, and who 
looked as if she had no home. It was late, the 
sun was setting, and he urged her to go to 



inquit alter, c haec est idonea ad hanc rem judi- 
» candam : multo enim fiituit saepius quam ca- 
1 cavit. » 

CCLXX 

DE MOLENDINARIO AB UXORE DECEPTO ET QUINQUE 

OVIS REFEGTO 

AUicietur superioribus confabulatio Mantus 
inter omnes nota. Est juxta urbis pontem mola, 
cujus magister Cornicula dicebatur. Is in ponte 
post ccenam, ut aestas erat, sedens, transeuntem 
puellam rusttcanam setate maturam, veluti erra- 
bundam, conipicatus, hortatur, cum hora esset 



OF POGGIO 225 

his wife. She closed with the offer : so, he 
called his man, and told him to introduce 
the girl to his mistress, let her have supper, 
and show her into a particular room where 
she should sleep. The house-wife soon dis- 
missed the man-servant, and, suspecting her 
husband's inclination for the girl, put her 
into her own bed and repaired to the one 
which had been made up for the young 
stranger. The miller purposely stayed out 
very late, and, when he thought his better 
half fast asleep, went quietly home, entered 
the room he had had prepared, and, utterly 
unconscious of the substitution that had been 
practised, silently busied himself with his 
wife, who said not a word. He then left the 
room, related his exploits to his man, and 
.urged him to follow suit; a piece of advice 
which was diligently acted upon. In the 

tarda, et sol in occasum vergeret, ut apud uxorem 
diverteret. Cum annuisset ilia, accito famulo, 
duci eam ad uxorem jubet, darique ccenam, et in 
certo cubiculo locari. Remisso famulo, cum in- 
telligeret uxor virum ad adolescentulam adjecisse 
animum, ea in suo lecto collocata, ipsa in idem 
cubiculum dormitum proficiscitur. Vir de indu- 
stria ad multam noctem cum vigilasset, existi- 
mans dormitare uxorem, clam domum reversus, 
cubiculum ingreditur, ignarusque doll, uxorem 
tacitus tacitam subagitavit. Egressus, quod egerat 
femulo dixit, ipsum ad idem certamen cohorta- 
tus : ipse patroni uxorem cognovit. Cornicula, 



226 THB FACETIiE 

meanwhile, Cornicolo had gone into his own 
room, and sli[^;>ed carefully into the bed, lest 
he should wake his wife, who, he thought, 
was sleeping by his side. He got up at early 
morn; and went out quietly, fully convinced 
that it was the girl he had caressed. At break- 
fast time he came home, and his wife imme- 
diately gave him five new-laid eggs to sup. 
Surprised at this novel attention, he asked 
the meaning of it : — « I give you one egg,> 
said she smiling, « for each mile you got over 
» last night. » He clearly saw that he bad 
fallen into his own trap, took upon himself 
the full authorship of the high deeds he was 
credited with, and supped the eggs. It fre- 
quently happens that the wicked are caught 
in their own toils. 



ad solitum cubiculum divertens, lectum silens 
intravit, ne uxor, ut putabat, excitaretur. Mane 
quam primum surgens, tacitus abiit> existimans 
se puellam cognovisse. Hora deinde prandii, cum 
redisset ad domum, uxor in primis sibi quinque 
recentia ova ad sorbendum dedit. Admiratus vir 
rei novitatem^ cum quid id sibi vellet perconta- 
retur, ilia, vultu hilari, pro numero milliarium, 
quae ea nocte confecerat, totidem ova sibi offerre 
inquit. Sensit ille se suo laqueo captum, ac si- 
mulans ab se solo uxorem cognitam, tamen ova 
sumpsit. Accidit plerumque ut suomet dolo casti- 
gentur improbi. 



OF POGGIO 227 

CCLXXI 

A PRETTY WAY OF DENYING BEAUTY 

Two friends were walking and chatting 
together in a street of Florence; one of them, 
who was tall and stout, with a swarthy com- 
plexion, saw a young girl passing by in her 
mother's company : « There goes a lovely, 
» charming beauty, » he observed, by way of 
jest. — « As much cannot be said of you, at 
» all events, » retorted the girl saucily. — 
« Oh! yes, it could, » he rejoined, if any 
B one were inclined to lie as I have done. » 

CCLXXI 

PULCHRUM DICTUM PULCHRITUDINEM MENTIENS 

Ibant per viam Florentiae coUoquentes socii 
duo, quorum unus erat oblongus et corpulentus, 
ac facie subnigra. Is, conspecta adolescentula cum 
matre ambulante : c Haec, » inquit jocandi gratia, 
( juvencula formosa est admodum ac venusta. » 
Ilia ad haec verba insolentior facta : — c Nequa- 
» quam hoc de vobis dici posset, » respondit. — 
< Imo recte, » inquit alter, < si quis, prout ego 
> feci, vellet mentiri. » 



228 THE FACETIiE 



CCLXXII 

A woman's amusing, but rather IMPROPERi 

ANSWER 

A friend of mine, a Spaniard, told me a 
witty retort of a woman, which will not be 
out of place in this collection. An elderly 
man had married a widow, and, the first 
night, when performing his matrimonial 
office, found a wider berth than he hiKi 
expected. Said he : « Wife dear, your fold is 
» too large for my flock. » Replied the lady: 
— « That is your fault ; for my poor deceased 
» husband (God have mercy on his soul!) so 
» well filled the fold that, for want of room, 
» the kids had frequently to leap out of the 



CCLXXII 

FACETUM MULIERIS RESPONSUM, SED PARUM HONISTDK 

Narravit mihi quidam familiaris Hispanus 
dictum mulieris salsum, quod mihi visum est 
nostris confabulationibus adjiciendum. Duxerat 
viduam in uxorem vjr quidam aetata provectior, 
qui prima nocte, dum matrimonio ^n^ereturi 
percipiens uxoris cellam uberiorem quaxn puta- 
rat : t Mea uxor, » inquit, t haec tua curia am- 
» plior est numero gregis mei. » Tum inulierJ 
— € Hoc,^» ait, € tua culpa accidit. Nam vir TOffi^ 
» qui obiit (misereatur Deus animae suae!) ita haac 
) adimplebat curiam, ut haedi persaepe extra ta* 



OF POGGIO 229 

» enclosure. » A smart and appropriate 
reply. 

CCLXXIII 

A RIBALDISH COMPARISON ABOUT LOOSE TEETH 

I knew an old Bishop who had lost some of 
his teeth, and complained of others being so 
loose that he was afraid they would soon fall 
oat I — « Never fear, » said one of his 
£umliars, e they won't fall. — And why 
» not? » enquired the Bishop. Replied his 
comforter : — « Because testiculi ntei have 
» been hanging loose for the last forty years, 
» as if they were always going to fall off, and 
» yet, there they are still. » 

» bulata pro loci angustia prosilire cogerentur. t 
Responsum salis et venustatis plenum. 

CCLXXIII 

DK DENTIBU8 CA8UM MINANTIBUS SIMILITUDO OBSCENA 

Episcopus mihi notus senior querebatur quos- 
dam denies sibi cecidisse, quosdam ita labare, 
ut eoruxn.casum timeret. Turn uhus e familia: 
c Ne timeatis, » inquit, c dentium casum. ) — 
Petenti causam Episcopo : — € Quia testiculi 
I mei^ » respondit, < jam quadraginta annis pe- 
I penderunt, casuris similes^ et tamen nunquam 
» ceciderunt. ) 

11 20 









CONCLUSION 



I think I should not omit to mention 
the place where most of the above tales 
were related, I might almost say, act- 
ed. That place is our Bugiale, a sort 
of laboratory for fibs, which the Pope's 
Secretaries had formerly instituted for 
their amusement. Until the reign of 
Pope Martin we were wont to se- 
lect, within the precincts of the Court, 
a secluded room where we collected 



CONCLUSIO 



Visum est mihi eum quoque nostris confa- 
bulationibus locum adjicere, in quo plu- 
res earum, tanquam in scena, recitatse sunt. 
Is est Bugiale nostrum, hoc est, mendaciorum 
veluti officina qussdam, olim a Secretariis in- 
stitutum, jocandi gratia. Consuevimus enim, 
Martini Pontificis usque tempore, quemdam 



THB FACBTLE OF POGGIO 23 1 

die news of the day, and conversed 
on various subjects, mostly with a 
view to relaxation, but sometimes also 
with serious intent. There nobody 
was spared, and whatever met with 
our disapprobation was freely censur- 
ed; oftentimes the Pope himself was 
the first subject-matter of our criti- 
cism, so that many people attended 
our parties, lest they should themselves 
be the objects of our first chapter. 
Foremost among the relaters were 
Razello of Bologna, many of whose 
contributions are found in our tales; 
Antonio Lusco, a most witty man, 
whom we have frequently referred to ; 

eligere in secretion aula locum, in quo et 
nova refercbantur, et variis de rebus, turn 
laxandi ut plurimum animi causa, turn serio 
quandoque, coUoquebamur. Ibi parcebatur 
nemini, in lacessendo ea quae non probaban- 
tur a nobis, ab ipso persaepe Pontifice initio 
reprehensionis sumpto : quo fiebat ut plures 
eo convenirent, veriti ne ab eis ordiremur. 
Erat in eo princeps fabulator Razellus Bo- 
noniensis, cujus nonnuUa in confabula- 
tiones conjecimus; Antonius item Luscus, 



232 THB FACBTIf OF POGGIO 

and the Roman Cincio, who was also 
very fond of a joke; I have also added 
some good things of my own. Now 
that those boon companions have de- 
parted this life, the Bugiale has come 
to an end : whether men or the times 
are to be held responsible, it is a facf 
that genial talk and merry confabula- 
tion have gone out of fashion. 

qui saspius inseritur, vir admodum facetus; 
Cinciusque Romanus, et ipse joci$ deditus. 
Nos quoque plura e nostris addidimus non 
insulsa. Hodie, cum illi diem suum obierint, 
desiit Bugiale, turn temporum, turn homi- 
num culpa, omnisque jocandi con&bulan- 
dique consuetude sublata. 



THE END 



INDEX 

TO PROPER NAMES 



Alberti (Ricardo degli), a Florentine Nobleman, 

Vol. II, p. 182. 
Albi:(^i (Roberto degli), a Florentine Nobleman. 

I, ig^- 
Aleth (Bishop of)* — Peter Assalbit, of Limosin 

I, 149- 
Alexander II J, Pope. II, 16. 

Angela, Bishop of Arezzo; his name was Angelo 
de' Fiedindacii e Ricasoli. 1,47. 

Angelotto, Bishop of Anagni. I, 170. 

Angelotto Fusco, a Roman, Bishop of Cavi, and, 
later, Cardinal of Saint-Mark; he was so 
miserly that he used, at night, to go and steal 
the oats of his horses, and that a stable-boy 
was wellnigh cudgelling him to death; a fact 
which Moli^re has turned to good account. It 
is most likely him. that Poggio alludes to, 
without giving the name, in Facetia lxx, 
where he introduces a member of the Curia 
who drinks his servants wine, under pretence 
of tasting it. I, 49, 56, 58; II, 117, i36, 146, 
169.. 

II 20. 



234 INDEX 

Apostles, mendicants thus styled. I, 22. 
Avignon (The Cardinal of)- n> iSy. 

B 

Barbavara (Francesco), the favourite of Philip- 
Marie Visconti, Duke of Milan. I, 36. 

Bari (The Cardinal of). — Ludolfo Maramori, 
Archbishop and Cardinal of Bari, one of the 
Fathers of the Council of Constance. Poggio 
had been on his staff before being attached 
to the Pontifical Chancery. II, 107. 

Baronto. II, 5g. 

Bartolommeo de* Bardi. I, 40; II, 10. 

Bessarion (Cardinal). II, 117. 

Biancardo (Ugolotto), Governor of Vicenza. 
I, 162. 

Biraco (Tommaso), Barrister with the Roman 
Court. 1, 45. 

Bonaccio de* GuascL I, 14. 

Boniface IX, Pope. I, 63 ; II, no. 

Bordeaux (The Cardinal of). — Francesco degli 
Aguzzoni, Archbishop. I, 86; II, i3. 



Cane delta Scala, Lord of Verona, who harboured 
Dante, whilst an exile. I, 96, 97, i83. 

Cecchino, an Arezzo Physician. 1, 142. 

Cecolo (Simone). I, 142. 

Cicero, Vicar of Saint-Mark, in Perugia. II, 4. 

Cincio Rustico, of an ancient Roman family, 
Apostolic Secretary and a colleague of Poggio. 

I, 168, 170; II, 232. 

Cologne (The Archbishop of). II, 143. 

Conti (Alto de'), a Roman Nobleman, of an 



TO PROPER NAMES 



235 



andent family which has given to the Church 

a number of Cardinals and high dignitaries. 

11,24. 
Confi (Cardinal de*). 11, 22. 
Cyriaco of Ancona, an Italian traveller, the 

author of a long valued Guide through Italy, 

I, i3i. 

D 

^cono degli Ardinghelli, a Florentine. II, 1 13. 
Aw/e, the illustrious Florentine poet. I, 96, 97; 

II, I. 



EugeniusIV, Pope. II, 70, i36, 192. 



Facino Cane, a noted Italian condottiere. I, 43; 

«,44. 
Filelfo (Francesco), a man of great learning in 

the 1 5** century, a personal enemy of Poggio, 

who scarcely mentions his name in his Facetioe 

but to hold him up to ridicule, thus making 

a sequel to his Invectives, I, 84; II, 20, 104, 

io5. 

Florence (The Cardinal of). — Francesco Zaba- 
rella. Cardinal of Santo-Como and Santo- 
Damieno, better known as Cardinal of Flo- 
rence, one of the greatest friends of Poggio, 
who wrote his funeral oration. II, no. 

Francis VII, Duke of Padua. II, 34. 

Frederic II, Barbarossa, Emperor of Germany. 
II, 16. 



238 INDEX 

N 

Naples (The Cardinal of). — Tommaso Bran- 
caccio, the nephew of Pope John xxiii. I, i5o. 

Niccolo d*Anagni. I, 57. 

Niccolo Niccoli, a celebrated Italian man of 
learning, Poggio's friend. II, 200. 

Nicholas V, Pope. II, igS. 

O 

Ortana (Francesco di), Governor of Perugii. 
II, 26. 



Paolo, a waggish preacher. I, 80. 

Pascal, Pope. II, 195. 

Pasquino; of Sienna, II, 92. 

Patriarch (A Cardinal surnamed the). — Vide 
Vitelleschi, 

Paul of Florence. I, 10. 

Pa^^i (Nereo de'), a Florentine Nobleman, of a 
family especially noted for the conspiracy 
attempted against the Medici, and wherein 
was implicated one of Poggio's sons. I, 242* 

Philip, styled the Spaniard. II, 40. 

Pietro di Luna, antipope. I, i5i. 

Q 

Quartense (Francesco). II, 179. 

R 
Raudenense (Antonio). II, 89. 



TO PROPER NAMES 23g 

Uo (Carlo), of Bologna, Poggio's colleague 
he Pontifical Chancery. I, 145, 164. 
(Rosso de*), a Florentine Knight. I, i36. 
'fo di Varano, Lord of Camerino, a noted 
ian condottiere. I, 88, go, 91, 92; II, 170, 
• 
t, of Rouen, Poggio's colleague. I, 154. 



^'Marcello (The Cardinal of). II, 169. 
ati (Bonifazio). I, 84. 
mund, Emperor of Germany. I, 55 ; II, 40. 
( (The Cardinal of). I, 44. 



icelli (The), a family to which belonged 
>e Boniface IX, and which he scandalously 
ged. I, 63. 
iriQO (The Cardinal of). II, 24. 



U 



n V, Pope. II, 7. 
n VI, Pope. I, 46. 



mti (John-Galeas), Duke of Milan. 1, 41. 
mti (John-Marie), Duke of Milan, the son of 
n-Galeas. He hunted down his serfs with 
mds in his park, and, as if by way of 
ipensation, caused to be buried alive a 
ar who denied burial to the poor. Bandello 
related that anecdote. I, 83. 
nti (Gianozzo), Lord of Milan. I, 38. 



240 INDEX TO PROPER NAMES 

Viscwiti (Barnabo), Lord of Milan, the uncle of 
John-Galeas. I, 34, 36 ; II, 8. 

Vitelleschi {GioYtinni), Oirdinal of Florence, and 
Patriarch of Alexandria, surnamed the Pa- 
triarch. More of a condottiere than of a Prelate, 
and commander in chief of the Holy See's 
forces, he was Eugenius IV 's right arm, and 
turned the streets of Rome into shambles, 
when the Pope, who had been expelled by his 
subjects, entered the city by force of arms. 
Suspected of treason, he was arrested by order 
of Eugenius, as he was going to take to flight, 
was stabbed all over his body whilst endeavour- 
ing to defend himself, and died of his wounds 
in the castle of St.-Angelo. Poggio was charged 
by Lorenzo Valla with having forged the 
warrant for his apprehension; .but historians 
have rejected the slanderous imputation. That 
singular Prelate's memory" was ever present to 
the people's minds, as is testified by the curious 
legend related by Poggio. II, j3. 

Viti (Pietro de'), Chancellor to the Emperor 
Frederic 11. II, 16. 



Zuccharo. I, 25; II, 3 1. 







CONTENTS 

OF THE SECOND VOLUME 

Page 

CXXI. A joke of the celebrated Dante .... i 
CXXII. A woman* s humorous answer to a 
man*8 enquiry whether his wife 
could be confined at the end of a 

twelve-month 3 

CXXIII. An indiscreet question by a Priest. . 4 

CXXIV. An amusing jeer upon a Perugian 

ambassador 5 

CXXV. Perugian Ambassadors to Pope Ur- 
ban 6 

CXXVI. Foolish words of Florentine Ambas- ' 

sadors 8 

CXXVII. Humorous saying of Giovan-Pietro of 

Sienna 10 

CXXVIII. A man who had made his wife a 

present of a costly dress is 

CXXIX. A pleasant story of a Surgeon .... i3 

CXXX. A man who found gold during his 

sleep 14 

CXXXI. A Secretary to Emperor Frede- 
ric II 16 

CXXXII. A Florentine who unconsciously ate 

a dead Jew 18 

CXXXIII. A Vision of Francesco Filelfo .... 20 

CXXXIV. A toper 21 

CXXXV. A joke of Everardo, Apostolic Se- 
cretary, who let a fart at a Car- 
dinal 22 

II 2t 



24^ CONTBNTS 

CXXXVI. Ajnusiog joke of another Cardinal . . ^m- 
CXXXVII. A woman who, wishing to hide her 

head, exhibited her bottom .2^ 

CXXXVI 11. Funny story of a man who wrote to 

his wife and to a merchant 3 £ 

CXXXIX. Story of a certain Dante who fre- 
quently scolded his wife sS 

CXL. An old man's will in favour of hit 

wife 5o 

CXLI. A narrative of Zuccaro's about a 
woman who asked a Priest for a 

recipe 3i 

CXLII. A Hermit who had intercourse with 

a great number of women 34 

CXLIIL A youii^ Florentine who fornicated 

with his step-mother 36 

CXLIV. A discussion between Minorites about 

a picture of S. Francis 38 

CXLV. A Florentine Priest who had gone to 

Hungary 39 

CXLVI. A rustic's reply to his landlord ... 41 
CXLVII. A ridiculous remark by a fool .... 4^ 
CXLVm. ScofQng at a man who intended to kill 

a pig 43 

CXLIX. A jest of Facino Cane 4^ 

CL. An inexperienced youth who did not 
make the acquaintance of his wifie 
during their first wedding-night . . 4^ 

CLI. A shepherd's wife who had a child 

by a Priest 4^ 

CLII. A peasant who brought donkeys 

loaded with wheat 49 

CLIII. Funny reply of a pauper to a rich 

man who was cola j^ 

CLIV. A mountaineer who thought of 

marrying a girl ^^ 

CLV. A Priest who ordered a young woman 

to pay him the tithe 52 

CLVI. A Physician who ravished a tailor's 

sick wife 53 

CLVn. A Florentine betrothed to a widow's 

daughter 55 



OF THE SECOND VOLUME %43 

Page 

CLVIII. A usurer in Vicenza 58 

CLIX. Most amusing story of Giannino, the 

cook 59 

CLX. A stupid Venetian, who, when rid- 
ing, >6arried his spur in his breast- 
pocket 61 

CLXI. A doltish Venetian made a fool of by 

an itinerant quack 62 

CLXII. A Venetian, who, on his way to 
Treviso, got his back struck dy a 
stone which his servant nad 

thrown 64 

CLXIII. A fo]^ pursued by hounds, and hidden . 

in straw by a peasant 63 

CLXrV. A Florentine who had bought a 

horse 67 

CLXV. A joke of Gonnella the juggler. ... 68 
CLXVI. Another practical joke at the expense 
of a man who wished to become a 
diviner 69 

CLXVII. Prodigies reported to Pope Eugene. 70 

CLXVIII. Marvellous to behold 72 

CLXIX. A deceitful Notary in Florence. ... 73 
CLXX. A Friar who introduced per fora- 
men tabula Priapum 77 

CLXXI. Shocking story of a boy who used to 

eat little children 80 

CLXXII. A Florentine Knight, who made a 

Eretence of gomg out, and hid 
imself in the bed-room unknown 

to his wife 82 

CLXXIII. A fellow who wanted to keep up 
appearances of extreme chastity, 
and was taken in the act of for- 
nication 84 

CLXXIV. On the same subject 85 

CLXXV. A poor fellow who got his living as 

a ferry-man 86 

CLXXVI. A foolish Milanese who wrote down 

his sins for a Priest 88 

CLXXVII. A man who. whilst on a visit to his 
bride's relations, had asked his 
friend to set him off 90 




246 CONTENTS 

Pa 

CCXX. A joker who med to jeer a Florentine 
Knight 

CCXXI. A woman's plea with her father for 

being barren 

CCXXII. Giovanni Andrea taken in the act of 

adultery 

CCXXni. A Minorite Friar who made a child's 

nose I — ^f 

CCXXIV. A Florentine who was a great liar. . i ^53 
CCXXV. A jealous man who emasculated 

himself to test his wife's honesty. . l S^ 
CCXXVI. A reply to the Priest's words at the 

Offertory m. 5i 

CCXXVII. A Priest, who, whilst preaching, 

made a mistake in his numbers, ana 

said « hundred • instead of 

« thousand » 1 55 

CCXXVIII. A sensible reply of the Cardinal of 

Avignon to the King of France. . . 15; 
CCXXIX. A horrible thing which took place in 

Saint John of utteran 1 58 

CCXXX. How was put to confusion a bawling 

Preacher 160 

CCXXXI. A young woman balked by an old 

husband i53 

CCXXXII. A Minorite's breeches made relics of. i63 
CCXXXIII. A brevet against the plague, to be 

carried round the neck. 1^7 

CCXXXIV. Cardinal Angelotto's mouth which 
was opened and should rather have 
been kept closed i59 

CCXXXV. Ridolfo's way of supplying an 

exquisite horse he was asked Tor. . 17^ 

CCXXXVl. A quarrel between women, which 

elicited a must amusing sally. ... 17^ 
CCXXXVII. A Priest frustrating a layman who 

wanted to catch him at iault .... 17' 
CCXXXVIII. A marvellous adventure which befel 

an English fuller with his wife. . . 17^ 
CCXXXIX. A Tuscan confession which became at 

last a candid one 17' 

CCXL. A battle between magpies and jays . . i7^ 



Ku 



OF THE SECOND VOLUME 247 

Page 

CCXLI. A good joke of Francesco about the 

children of Genoese 179 

CCXLII. A significant, but coarse, gesture of a 

Florentine 180 

CCXLIII. Amusing application of an impotent 

old man 182 

CCXLI V. Witty saying of a whore about the 

Venetians 184 

CCXLV. A good joke of an ijgnorant man who 

put doctors out ofcountenance. . . i85 
CCXLVI. Smart rebuke of a merchant who 

charged others with insanity .... 186 
CCXLVIL Becominc reply of a lady to a young 
man who was ardently in love with 
her 188 

iCXLVin. A Nobleman in the time of the Empe- 
ror Frederic, who made a great show 
of pugnacity, but did not nght at all. 190 
CCXLIX. A man who, during the space of two 

years, had neither meat nor drink. 192 

CCL. Clever saying of 9 man who pro- 
mised to teach a donkey 195 

CCLL A Priest who did not know whether 
the Epiphany was a man or a 
woman 197 

CCLU. A usurer who simulated repentance 

and aggravated his former ways . . 198 

CCLIII. Birds who talked under a delusion . . 199 

CCLIV. A man with many chains round his 
neck was merely thoaght more 
crazed for his pains 200 

CCLV. A good thrust of Ridolfo, Lord of 
Camerino, at an ambassador who 
had inveighed against all Lords in 
general 201 

CCLVL An Arbitrator in whose house a pig 

spilled some oil 2o3 

CCLVIL A bald man's facetious retort to two 

young females 204 

CCLVIIL c Messer perde il piato. » 2o5 

CCLIX. A grateful song to inn-keepers. . . . 206 

CCLX. A jeer at a thin man « 308 



248 CONTENTS OF THE SECOND VOLUME 

Page 

CCLXL Witty reply oi a lady whose inkstand 

was empty W9 

CCLXII. A good joke on the limited number 

of God't friends 210 

CCLXIII. A Friar of S. Anthony, a layman and 

a wolf an 

CCLXIV. Singular balance of compensation 

between confessor and penitent. . . 212 

CCLXV. Witty sallies of two young Flo- 
rentines 214 

CCLXVI. Confusion of a young man who, 
during an entertainment, made 

water on the table 2i5 

CCLXVII. Artful trick of a Florentine woman 

taken in the fact 217 

CCLXVIIl. A living corpse, on the way to his 
grave, speaks and sets people 
laughing 219 

CCLXIX. A doubtful argument 223 

CCLXX. A miller diddled by his wife, who 

gave him five eggs for breakfast. 324 

CCLXXI. A pretty way of denying beauty ... 227 

CCLXXII. A woman's amusing, but rather 

improper, answer 228 

CCLXXIII. A ribaldish comparison about loose 

teeth 229 

Conclusion 23o 

Index to proper names 233 



^^f^^ 



Paris. — Typ. Motteroz, 3i, rue du Dragon. 



Isidore LISEUX, Libraire-6diteur 

Rue Bonaparte, n° 2, Paris 



:atalogue complet 

AU I*' AVRIL 1879 



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PETITE 

COLLECTION ELZEVIRIENNE 

Ouvrages curieux, rares ou inSdits, 
tirds d petit nombre sur papier de Hollande. 



Th^blogie 

HISTOIRE ECCL^SIASTIQUE, PROTESTANTISME 

SINISTRARI (Le R. P.). De la D^monia-^ 
iitd et des animaux Incuhes et Succuhes, pu- 
blic pour la premiere fois, d'aprds le manu- 
scrit original ddcouvert k Londres en 1872, 
«t traduit du Latin par Isidore Liseux ; avec 
le texte en regard 5 fr. 

VALLA (Laurent). La Donation de Con- 
stantino premier titre du pouvoir temporel des 



2 — 



Papes, ou il est prouv^ que cette Donation 
n'a jamais exists, et que I'Acte attribue a 
Constantin est roeuvre d'un faussaire. Tra- 
duit en Franjais pour la premiere foiset pre- 
cede d'une etude historique par Alcide Bon- 
neau, avec le texte Latin lofr. 

LES ECCLtSIASTIQUES de France, 
leur nombre, celuy des religieux et des reli- 
gieuses, ce dont ils subsistent et k quoy ils 
servent (xvii* siecle) 2 fr. 

HDTTEN (Ulrich de). Julius, dialogue 
entre Saint Pierre et le Pape Jules II St la 
porte du Paradis; traduction nouvelle par 
Edmond Thien, texte Latin en regard. 3 fr. 5o 

LUTHER. La Conference entre Luther et 
leDiable au sujet delaMesse 4fr« 

THEODORE DE BEZE. EpUre de mattre 
Benott Passavant; traduit pour la premiere 
fois du Latin macaronique de Theodore de 
B^ze, par Isidore Liseux, avec le texte en 
regard 3fr. 5o 

PASSE VENT PARISIEN respondant i 
Pasquin Romain : De la vie de ceux qui sont 
alle!( demourer d Genhfe; faict en forme de 
Dialogue (i556) " 3fr.5o 



— 3 — 



PhiloBophie 



MCEURS ET USAGES, HISTOIRE 



LA MOTHE LE VAYER. Soliloques seep- 
iques 2 fr. 5o 

POGGE. Un vieillard doit-il se marier? 
raduit par Alcide Boimeau 3 fr. 

POGGE. Les Bains de Bade au xv° siecle, 
cene de moeurs de TSge d'or; traduit en 
'ran9ais pour la premiere fois par Antony 
/leray 2 fr. 

ERASME..L« Civilit4 pu4rile^ traduction 
louvelle, texte Latin en regard, par Alcide 
^onneau 4fr. 

HENRI ESTIENNE. La Foire de Franc- 
brt (Exposition universelle et permanente 
lU XVI® sidcle); traduit pour la premiere fois 
)ar Isidore Liseux, texte Latin en regard. 4 fr. 

GESNER (J.-M.). Socrate et V Amour Grec 
Socrates sanctus naiSepaomj^J; traduit en 
?'ran9ais pour la premiere fpis, texte Latin 
jn regard, par Alcide Bonneau. . . 3 fr. 5o 

TACITE. La Germanie, traduction entie- 
•ement nouvelle, texte Latin en regard, par 
E.-P. Dubois-Guchan 3 fr. 5o 



— 4 — 

ULRICH DE HUTTEN. Arminius, dia- 
logue, traduit pour la premidre fois par Ed- 
mond Thion, texte Latin en regard. . 2 fr. 

REMONSTRANCE AUX FRANgOlS, 
pour les induirc a vivre en paix a Tadvenir 
(1576) ifr. 

Po^sie 

DU BELLAY (Joachim). Divers jeux rus- 
tiques 3 fr. 5o 

DU BELLAY (Joachim). Les Regrets. 

3 fr. 3o 
BONNEFONS (Jean). Pancharis. . . 4^^. 

BOULMIER (Joseph). Villanelles, avec 
eau-forte de Lalauze 5fr- 

Gontes et Nouvelles 

ARISTENET. Les J^pistres amoureuses 
(TAristenety tournees de Grec en Francois 
par Gyre Foucault, sieur de la G)udri^re 
(i 597); avec notice par A. P.-Malassis. 5 fr. 

BOCCACE. D^cam&on, traduit par An- 
toine Le Ma9on, 6 vol 3o fr. 

POGGE. Fac^ties. 2 vol. (public ^20 fr.) 

Epuis4, 



— 5 — . 

L'ABBfi FAVRE. Histoire de Jean-Vont- 
pris, conte Languedocien du xviii'' siecle, 
traduit et precede d'une notice par Jules 
Troubat 3 fr. 

VIVANT DENON. Point de Lendemain, 
conte dedie a la Heine, avec fleurons dessinds 
parMarillier; notice par A. P.-Malassis (public 
a 4 fr.) Epuisd. 

CASTI. La Papesse lo fr. 

Philologie, Histoire liti^raire 

GABRIEL NAUDE, Parisien. Advis pour 
dresser une Biblioth^que ". . 4 fr. 

LA MOTHE LE VAYER. Hexam&on 
rustique (public a 3 fr. 5o) J^puis^. 

GRIMAREST. La Vie de M' de Moliire; 
notice par A. P.-Malassis (public k 5 fr.) 

tlpuis^, 

LES INTRIGUES DE MOLIERE et 
celles de sa femme, avec notes par Ch.-L. Li- 
vet (public k 6 fr.) Epuis4, 

MOLlilRE JUGi par ses contemporains ; 
notice par A. P.-Malassis 4 fr. 

ELOMIRE HYPOCONDRE, comedie 
(contre Moliere), avec une note sur les Enne- 
mis de Molidre, par Ch.-L. Livet. . . 10 fr. 



— 6 — 



COLLECTION IN-S^ 

ESTIENNE (Henri). Apologiepour H&o- 
dotCy avec Introduction et Notes par P. Ristel- 
huber, 2 vol 25 ft. 

SINISTRARI (Le R. P.). De la Demonia- 
liti et des animaux Incubes et Succubes, 
premiere Edition (publiee k 10 fr.). Epuis4, 

LOISELEUR. Les Points obscurs de la vie 
de Moli^re (public k 12 fr.) J^puisi, 

LES INTRIGUES DE MOLItJRE et 

de sa femme, avec Preface et Notes par Ch.- 
L. Livet \ 12 fr. 



FORMAT GRAND IN-18 

SAINT-PIERRE (Bernardin de). Paul et 
Virginiey avec huit eaux-fortes de Lalauze. 

25 fr. 
— Les huit eaux-fortes tirees a part, sur 

papier de Chine ou de HoUande. . 10 fr. 

POGGE. Fac4ties, deuxieme edition com- 
pl^te^ avec le texte Latin, 2 vol. . . . 1 5 fr. 



— 7 — 

PIEDAGNEL. Avril^ poesies, avec un fron- 
tispice de Giacomelli, grave a Teau-forte par 
Lalauze 5 fr. 

BOULMIER (Joseph). Villanelles, pre- 
miere edition (avec eau-forte de Lalauze). 5 fr. 

BOUTMY' (Eugene). Dictionnaire de la 
Langue verte typographique 3 fr. 

SINISTRARI. Demoniality^ or Incubi and 
Succubi, now first translated into English', 
with the Latin text. 

POGGIO. The (nFaceticey>, or Jocose Tales, 
now first translated into English, with the 
Latin text. 

TROUBAT (Jules). Plume et Pinceau, etu- 
des de litt^rature et d'art 3 fr. 

DESMARETS. L'ancienne Jonction de 
VAngletcrre d la France^ ou le Detroit de 
Calais, avec deux cartes topographiques. 3 fr. 



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Just published 
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ni MOMALITV 

OR 

Incubi and Succubi 

BY THE REV. FATHER 

SINISTRARI OF Ameno 
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